I'll heal the hole in your heart - Phan
by awesomesockes
Summary: PHAN CHAPTERED! Contains: Friendship, relationship development, fluff, angst, chronic illness. Dan suffers from a really bad heart condition and is all alone until Phil comes along as the new kid. He stays with Dan and they become really close friends. Phil helps Dan through the illness and life's struggles. danisnotonfire, AmazingPhil, Phan
1. Chapter 1

(This story has been compared to TFIOS twice. I haven't read the book, so I'm not trying at all. I swear. I know shit, hahahah)

**Summary about the story:** Dan suffers from a really, really bad heart condition. Phil came in as the new kid when they both were 11 years old and has now made it his personal mission to take care of Dan the only way he can by being his best friend.  
>You're going to read about them growing up together and different episodes happening in their lifes. Phil does his best to help Dan through the illness and life the best way possible.<p>

Eventually friendship isn't enough. What is next?

**Prompt:** "_Could you do a fic where Dan and Phil are kids in primary school and Dan has a bad heart condition so he's not allowed to go outside at break and lunch because he's not allowed to run around and this means he doesn't have any friends really because they think he's a bit weird. Then Phil comes in as the new kid and stays in with Dan and talks to him and they become really close? Then maybe do more parts about them growing up and Phil always being there and staying with Dan when he can't do something."_

Someone asked for this^^ Of course. Here we go!

**A/N:** I have really big plans for this so please stay.  
>(no matter now bad it gets, no one is going to die! Don't worry.)<p>

**Contains: **School AU, Friendship, fluff+, angst, chronic illness.

**Warnings: **Angst/sadness, hospitals.

**Phan status: **Relationship development.

**POV: **Point of view change throughout the story.

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><p><strong><strong>I'll heal the hole in your heart <strong>**chapter 1

**Summary about chapter 1:** (They're 11 years old) Dan suffers from a really bad heart disease and is all alone because he's not allowed to run with the other kids. Until Phil comes along as the new kid. He stays with Dan and they become really close friends.

**Words: **5.506

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><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

"Are you exited?"

"Kind of. I'm really nervous." I rubbed my hands together and looked around at my surroundings. It was a whole new school, a whole new house, and a whole new city. The school was nice though. Not as posh as I was use too, but I didn't mind.

Me and my new teacher, Mr. Jackson, walked down the hall. I had to meet my new classmates now. I had looked forward to it, but it was also really frightening. What would they think about me? Would they find me weird? It was important to make a good first impression.

"It's just down here." Mr. Jackson smiled to me. I nodded nervously and focused straight ahead.

"Sit down kids!" He yelled in a friendly voice to the room. It took them a minute to understand that I was with the teacher. When they saw me they quickly sat down and kept quiet. New kids were always interesting. My heartbeat rose a bit—now all the attention was focused at me. All those eyes, just staring. I tried to smile while I moved my gaze around the crowd. It was just like in my old class. The same types of people, the same types of haircuts, the same type of clothing. Just in a new place.

My eyes fell on a brown-haired boy in the back of the room. He didn't look up like everyone else—he just kept his eyes fixed on the desk beneath. I couldn't quite tell if his clothes were too big or he was just really thin. Was he sad? Or did he just didn't care?

"This is Philip Lester." Mr. Jackson pointed at me and I waved to my future classmates. "And he is the new student we've been talking about. Would you like to tell something about yourself?"

I nodded in his direction before I started. "My name is Phil. My dad got a new job here so we just moved from Manchester." I smiled politely. They all mumbled a hello in response.

The brown-haired boy still didn't look up.

"You can sit down. Beside—" He glared at the class. "Daniel." The name made the brown-haired boy slowly move his gaze from the table and towards me. _Daniel._

"Okay. Thank you." I grabbed my bag and started walking to the back of the room. The closer I stepped the better I could look at him. Daniel was a really thin boy. His skin was pale and he had dark circles around his eyes. He smiled quickly and then looked back down.

I sat down beside him and stretched my hand towards him. "Phil," I told him, asking for a handshake.

"Dan," was all he answered, not looking at me. I pulled my hand back. Maybe he didn't like me. My smile faded away and I turned my attention to Mr. Jackson.

Even though it was a new school the classes hadn't gotten more interesting. Still the same boring stuff.

Luckily the bell saved me.

"Read chapter five for tomorrow!" Mr. Jackson quickly yelled before everyone left.

"Hey, Phil?" The guy in front of me turned around in his chair. "Hey, I'm Simon. Can you play football?" he asked.

"Eeh, I guess, yeah," I responded as I removed my book from my desk. I wasn't _good_ really, but if I could make some friends by playing football, it was worth a try.

"Great. Come on!" Simon ran towards the door along with some of the other boys. I quickly followed. Before I left the room, I gave Dan a quick look. He hadn't moved from his position at all. Why didn't he go with us?

"Phil! Come on."

"Yeah, coming!" I turned around and ran after Simon. We walked outside and past the room we had just been in. Dan was still there, not even bothering to move his book away.

"Why is he not with us?" I asked and pointed inside.

"What? Dan?" Simon grinned, surprised. "He has some sort of heart disease or something, I don't know. He's a bit weird—just stays inside all day."

"Maybe we should ask him if he wants to watch?"

"Good luck mate. He's not allowed outside. Now, come on or we're going to miss the break." They started walking again, but I slowed down. I felt so bad for him.

"I need to use the toilet," I said. "Sorry. I'll meet you there," I assured them as I slowly turned around.

"Whatever." They started running.

I walked back inside. I didn't have to use the bathroom at all. Dan just seemed so depressed—maybe I could help.

He didn't look up when I walked back in.

"Hello," I said as I stepped closer. "Do you want to come with us and play football?" I asked hopefully.

"No thanks," he answered in a small voice, looking up.

"Why? The weather is good." I pointed outside. He sun was shining through the windows.

"I can't," he whispered before moving his gaze back to the desk.

"Why?" I walked closer. Simon told me about a heart condition, but he could be lying or uninformed.

"I have a weak heart..." he mumbled.

"Oh." I knew heart disease was serious, but I didn't know anything else about it. "But can't you go outside anyway?"

He looked up with slight anger in his eyes. "I could, but what should I do? The others don't want to hang out with me anyway!" His face turned back to sad. "I'm a freak."

"No you're not." I sat back down on my chair beside him. "A disease doesn't make you a freak. It's just a mistake in your body." I did my best to cheer him up, but I had never been in a situation like this.

"The others tell me I'm a freak," he whispered.

"Well, I think you're nice." I always wanted to be friends with everyone I meet. I didn't like auguring or fights. No one deserved to feel bad or be left alone, disease or not.

"Thank you." He finally looked at me properly. I don't think anyone had ever told him that. I smiled widely to him. He slowly looked me over and I did the same with him. His eyes were as brown as his hair—the white in them was slightly red, like he hadn't slept in weeks. His skin was even paler now that I got a closer look. Finally I found someone who could match my skin colour.

"Can you tell me about your disease?" I asked nervously. "If you want of course." I had to admit, I was a little curious. From what I could see it seemed really bad. But I had never seen a sick kid my age before.

"I have a hole in my heart," he started. "Which has caused heart failure. They can't close the hole. Maybe one day they can—I don't know yet, I'm still young. But maybe I would need a new heart." He mumbled the last words, making it nearly impossible to understand. "That's why I can't go outside. I'm not allowed to run or anything…" I had never seen a boy this sad. Something happened inside me and I immediately felt protective towards him. He obviously had no friends—I could be his friend.

"But do you want to go with me outside?" I asked quietly. "We can just sit still on a bench. Not running."

"I would love to." He smiled. I watched him as he unsteadily got up from his chair. He was nearly as tall as me, but even thinner looking when he stood.

"Should I help you?" I asked, confused. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to…"

"It's fine." He walked through the room. "I just walk really slow so my heart can follow, but everything else is fine."

"Okay. Okay, just tell me if you need something."

"Relax." He smiled. I followed him outside. It looked like he thought carefully about every single step he took: like it hurt him each time he placed his foot down.

"I'm just not use to… Yeah, I care too much, I'm sorry." I looked down. He was probably sick of my questions.

"No one has actually cared before," he mumbled. "I-I like it. But don't worry." Our eyes met. Had I made a friend on my first day? But more important, Dan had made a friend. Why would people ignore him just because of a heart disease? That was rude. He was really nice and friendly.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked nervously. I didn't answer—just walked in the direction Simon and the other boys had gone. I hoped that we would end in the same place.

Some of the other children were looking at us, whispering things. Dan noticed and focused his gaze on his feet.

This made me angry so I slowed down a little and got right beside Dan, pressing my shoulder against his and matching his pace. I was letting everyone know I was with him.

"You don't have to walk so close to me," he said in a really sad tone.

"But I want to," I answered, determined.

We walked in silence down to the track were the other boys where playing football. I led Dan to the nearest bench and we started watching them play.

"I'm really not into football. I'm really shit. I'm sure I would be kicked off the team if I played with them," I joked.

"I've never played," Dan answered, his eyes fixed on the ball.

"You haven't missed anything really, don't worry. I would much rather stay inside playing videogames all day." That sentence caught Dan's attention way more than everything else I'd said to him.

"You play videogames?" he asked, locking his tired eyes with mine.

"Do I play videogames? How is that a question?" I giggled. "Yes. Way too much."

"That's so cool." Dan looked at me like I was some sort of celebrity. "I-I play too. You know, Sonic and stuff. Basically all kinds of games really."

Even though I felt flattered by the way he looked at me, I couldn't help but feel sad too. He had obviously never really talked properly to another kid his age before.

"Yeah. I play everything too." I smiled. "Maybe we could play something together sometime? If you want."

"Of course." He smiled like he had just won the lottery. I hadn't thought I would get anything out of this day, but it seemed like I just had made someone happier than ever, just by talking about videogames.

We sat in silence, just watching the others play. Dan looked really excited, but if it was because he wanted to play football because he had never tried it before or if it was because he looked forward to us playing videogames at some point later was hard to tell.

After a couple of minutes, the bell rang and I got to stand. Dan did the same.

"Just walk inside. I'll catch up," he told me as he started walking slowly. "I won't be able to make it before the teacher anyway. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"I don't care." My mum wouldn't be happy to hear that I was late to classes on my first day, but I was sure she would understand my reason if I told her about Dan. "I'm following you inside at your own pace. Trouble or not."

Dan sighed softly and walked faster than before, making me speed up. I looked seriously at him until he stopped completely and took some deep breaths. He started walking again, still faster than when we went outside. But soon stopped again to take deep breaths. His face turned a little paler, if that even was possible.

Then it hit me what he was doing and I quickly grabbed his hand, making him stop.

"I don't mind coming late. Just, slow down. Really, I don't mind, Dan." I wrinkled my forehead at him. "It's okay."

He nodded quickly and tried to catch his breath.

"I'm s-sorry," he gasped.

"It's fine. I don't want to see you struggle like this. It's just a stupid class." My heart fell to my stomach. Being so young and not even able to walk quickly because of a bad heart. It could have been me. We were the same age. Not being able to run or do any kind of physical activity—I couldn't imagine that.

"Can we sit down? Please," he asked nervously.

"Of course," I whispered and helped him down on the ground. I got a little worried. This was my fault, I shouldn't have taken him outside. He was much weaker than I'd thought.

"How does it feel like?" I asked. "Please tell if I asked too much. I'm just curious."

"No, it's fine." He took a couple of deep breaths. The colour had returned to his cheeks. "You can't really feel it though. Or not all the time. Sometimes it's just like, you feel tightness in your chest. Here." He placed a hand on my heart and ran his fingers down my chest to indicate the area. "My heart is really weak, which means it has to struggle ten times more than yours to get the blood around my body. It pounds so hard that it hurts sometimes and it can make me dizzy and stuff..." He moved his hand away from me again. "I have a hole in my heart and normally they can close it when you're a baby, but mine is placed really bad, so it can't do that."

"Is it dangerous?" After I asked I mentally hit myself in the face. Of course it was dangerous. It was his heart.

"Yeah…" He looked down at his hands. "I go to the doctors a lot and take a lot of medication." He nodded while he said it.

I didn't answer because I had no words. I sighed softly and stared at his bowed head.

"I'm ready to walk in now," he said after a few minutes.

"Sure?" I wouldn't pressure him. This was my fault, after all.

"Yes. Could you, maybe, help me up?" Dan asked shyly. Without questioning, I grabbed both of his hands and pulled in up from the ground. He hardly weighed anything, which made it easy to get him up.

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><p>For the first time ever, I actually looked forward to going to school. I almost ran all the way to the bus. I looked forward to spending the day with Dan, just talking. We liked all the same things: the same games, the same music, the same movies. Everything was just the same; it was almost scary.<p>

The weather was really nice again, so I thought about taking him outside and then just keeping track of the time so we wouldn't get in trouble for being late.

I walked into the building, happier than I'd been in a long time. Moving had been really hard for me. I'd finally felt good in school—I felt comfortable. And then we had to move to a new place.

But now I didn't really mind anymore. Dan and I connected on whole new level that I'd never thought I would experience.

I stepped into our classroom and looked around hopefully, but there was no Dan. I glanced at the clock. Still 10 minutes until the bell would ring. He could still make it.

I sat down on the same seat as yesterday and nervously tapped my foot up and down on the floor. Any minute now.

The bell rang and the corners of my mouth relaxed and fell down. He wasn't in. My heartbeat rose slightly. Had something happened? Was he ill?

It was my fault. I took him outside. I did this.

I looked around on my classmates, panicking. They didn't seem to notice he was gone. Or maybe they just didn't care.

The day went so slowly. I was too concerned to concentrate on anything. Dan would feel bad if he knew he worried me so much that I lost my concentration, but I couldn't help it. Maybe he was at the hospital? He could be all alone.

"Sorry, Mr. Jackson?" I asked our teacher when we got the first break. "Where's Dan?" Maybe he would know if his mum had called in or something.

"Oh hey, Philip. Enjoying the new school?" He smiled down to me.

"Yeah. But why is Dan not around?" I asked again, more desperately this time.

"He's ill," he responded simply.

"Ill? Like how ill?" Was it the flu, was it a headache… or was it his heart?

"I'm sure he's fine. Don't worry." He packed his stuff and left, leaving me with no useful answers to my questions.

I couldn't stop worrying.

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><p>"Did you have a good day?" my mum asked when I stepped inside.<p>

"Yes, I guess," I answered, followed by a sigh.

"You don't like it there?"

I heard my mum move from the kitchen in to the hallway where I was standing.

"I do. It's not like that," I assured her, throwing my jacket on the floor along with my bag. "Could you call someone for me? Someone from my class."

"Is someone bullying you?" She wrinkled her forehead slightly.

"No! Mum, it's nothing like that. It's just his boy in my class who didn't show up today. He's really ill…"

"It's not your job to take care of the other students, sweetie. I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow, don't worry." She stepped close enough to brush my hair out of my eyes while she smiled.

"You don't understand." I pushed her hand away. "He's not just ill. He has a heart condition…" I mumbled, looking down. "And he's my friend. I want to now if he's okay." My throat closed. I was desperate to know if he was okay. It was a weird feeling—we had just met. "It's important to me." I looked back up at her, my eyes slightly glassy.

"I'll call the school, okay? Come on." She stretched her hand towards mine, grabbed it, and led me back into the kitchen. I quickly dried my eyes.

I sat down on one of the chairs and watched her dial the number. She gave me a quick, caring smile before the person on the phone picked up.

I nervously stared at my fingers and twisted them around while my mum talked on the phone.

"Thank you. Goodbye." She hung up and turned to me.

"Well?" I asked and stared at her.

"I got his number. Do you want to call him or should I?"

"I-I can do it." She entered the number and handed me the phone. I widened my eyes as it started ringing.

"_Hello?_" It was a woman's voice speaking. She sounded tired, like I'd interrupted her in the middle of something. I regretted calling. This was obviously not the time, but it was rude to just hang up.

"H-hello. My name is Phil. I'm from Dan's class…"

"_Oh, yeah. He's mentioned you._"

"I was just calling to make sure he is okay." I looked questioningly at my mum. Was I doing this right?

"_Do you want me to get him for you?" _she asked. I heard her tone change slightly for the better.

"If it's not a problem. I mean, if it's okay… I'm not bothering you?"

"_Not at all, sweetie. Hang on._" I smiled to my mum, telling her it was okay.

"_Phil?_" If I thought his mum sounded tired, I was wrong. Dan's voice sounded nearly invisible. It was scary.

"Hey," I said. Dan breathed heavily into the phone. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I missed you at school today. We should have played video games," I reminded him and tried my best to sound as happy as possible, not wanting him to feel bad about not showing up.

"_I'm fine, really. It's just…_"—He stopped to breathe—"_bad today. I'm sorry._"

"That's fine. I'm just glad you're okay." My mum started rubbing my upper arm with her thumb.

"_Maybe you could come over now?_"

"That's not necessary. If you're not feeling well, I don't want to bother you."

"_I'll just ask my mum._" Dan suddenly sounded more awake. Or maybe more excited. I didn't know if this was a good idea. I heard them talk in the background, but it was only mumbling. I nervously looked at my mum, but she just smiled.

"_It's okay._" You could nearly hear him smile through the phone.

"You sure?" I asked nervously.

"_It'll be fine. I'm sure._" Dan still breathed heavily; he didn't sound very well. I don't know if I should go. "_I live down the hill. Number 235._"

"Oh. That's close," I responded, surprised.

"_Is it?_"

"Yeah. It's just down the road."

"_But you're allowed to come over. If you want of course._"

"I would love to." I smiled to my mum. "Okay, see you in a minute." I hung up and handled her back the phone. "Can I go visit Dan? Just for a bit," I asked her.

"Yes, of course. Just be home by seven. Then we're having dinner. Change your clothes first."

He lived about five minutes away. I started walking, but it soon turned into running.

"227, 229, 231, 233…" I whispered to myself and kept an eye on the houses. "235." I stopped in front of a quite big brown house. It was bigger than my house and with a messy front garden full of bushes and small trees. The house looked in better condition than the garden though.

I slowly walked towards the house and nervously knocked on the wooden front door. I heard footsteps inside before it was being opened slowly. A tall thin woman with brown hair looked down at me. She looked like Dan: brown eyes with dark circles around. She looked tired, but still smiled widely at me.

"Come in." She stepped aside, making room for me to walk in. "Let me take your jacket," she offered.

"Thank you." I smiled and handed it to her before I kicked off my shoes.

"He's in the lounge. Just that way and turn left." She pointed straight ahead and I followed her directions.

My palms started to sweat. I had never visited a heart patient before. What was I going to see?

I stepped into the room and saw Dan sitting on the couch with his duvet wrapped around him. I sighed softly. It just looked like he had a cold or something.

"Hi," I said in a happy tone that made him turn his head. He smiled widely when he saw me.

"Hi." He moved his covers away and sat up fully.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Honestly. It was just a bad night so I needed a day off." He pointed to his side, asking for me to sit down beside him.

"It's not something I did?" I had thought about it all day. "I took you outside and..."

"No." He grinned. "Don't worry, Phil. My heart just didn't want to let me sleep, apparently." He talked about it like everything was normal, but of course it was to him.

"Okay, good. I was just worried."

"Don't be. It's not your fault." He turned his attention back to the TV. I stared at him for a couple of seconds without him noticing. He looked really ill and I felt bad about being here. But I couldn't tell if it just was because he hadn't gotten enough sleep.

"What are you watching?" I asked and looked at the TV too.

"Toy Story. But we could play something? Videogames of course." His eyes lightened up while he said it.

"Yeah." I started to loosen up. I shouldn't be so scared—he was just a normal kid with a heart disease. I shouldn't treat him differently. I shouldn't treat him like he was ill. That wouldn't make him feel better. I wanted to be his friend and I wanted to make him forget about his condition. That was my job from now on.

"What do you want to play?"

"What do you have?"

He just smiled, stood up and walked towards he shelf hanging on the wall. "These."

"Wow. You have so many." I widened my eyes and stood up too.

"Yeah. I can't really do anything else, so my parents buy me games instead of bicycles and stuff." But that didn't seem to bother him. More like the opposite.

"Crash Bandicoot?" I suggested.

"Good idea." He took it down from the shelf before he put it on.

"Mum!" he shouted through the room, making me jump a little and stare at him.

"Something wrong?" she asked as she entered the room.

"No." Dan sighed. His mum was obviously even more worried than I was. "But can we got some Ribena maybe?" he asked.

"Of course." She smiled, relieved, and turned around.

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><p>Dan promised me he would come to school today, but I didn't want to get my hopes up too high in case he'd had a rough night again and didn't show up.<p>

I walked past the other students through the school until I reached the room I had to be in. I scanned the rows of chairs hopefully. The corners of my mouth turned up when I saw Dan sitting in his seat.

"Hey." I waved to him.

"Hello." He still sounded tired and exhausted, but smiled happily anyway.

"Better today?" I asked, sitting down. I found my book and opened it.

"Much," he breathed out and glanced at me. "But could you maybe do me a favour?"

"Anything," I assured.

"My mum has to work late today because she had to stay home with me yesterday, so she can't pick me up." He looked down like he was ashamed. "Could you, maybe if you don't mind, follow me home?" He kept avoiding eye contact. "Or we could go home to yours. It's just, I can't take the bus or walk alone..." He mumbled the last words.

"Yeah, of course I can."

"Really?" He looked up slightly surprised.

"Yeah. You don't even have to ask. You should just have said, 'follow me home so I can kick your ass in Sonic'," I joked, making Dan giggle.

"Okay, if you say so… Phil, follow me home so I can kick your ass in Sonic," he repeated while laughing.

"No problem." I smiled. "But I'm gonna kick your ass first, so be prepared."

"Sure. And who lost 99 times out of 100 yesterday?"

"I don't know. Not me," I joked back.

* * *

><p>"We're not going to make it," Dan whispered and slowed down even further.<p>

"Of course we are. It's just outside the school."

"Yeah, but I can't walk faster than this." I looked back at him.

"Okay. Give me your bag and I'll run ahead to stop the bus and make it wait for you, okay?" Dan nodded and took a deep breath before he handled me his bag. "Please don't hurry, I'll make it wait. I promise."

I ran out of the building and up to the street just in time for the bus to arrive. I waited for everyone to stepped on before I got in.

"Please can you wait? My friend is coming in a minute, please."

"I have a schedule I need to follow kid. I'm sorry. Your friend could have run like you."

"He has a heart condition," I answered shortly. "So he can't run. I promised him to stop the bus and wait for him so you just stay."

"Whatever," The bus driver breathed out, but didn't move.

I saw Dan walking down the road. I smiled and waved to him.

"Thank you." He smiled to the bus driver when he got here.

"You okay?" I asked him and helped him into be bus. He just nodded quickly, bumped into the seat and rested his head back.

"My pulse just needs to slow down, it's fine." He closed his eyes and relaxed.

"Does it hurt?" I asked and looked him over.

"A little."

"Something I can do?" I whispered

"No." He opened his eyes back up. "Why do you always ask?"

"I want to know everything." I really wanted to learn everything about this. Understand what he was going through and make it better any way I could.

"Why?" he asked and looked questioningly at me.

"Because I want to help you."

"Then give me your heart. We could switch." He kept his face emotionless, not smiling. I didn't know what to answer. Did he mean it? I looked at him, confused.

"I was kidding, Phil." He nudged my shoulder, pushing me out of my trance.

"Right."

"You should have seen your face." Dan grinned, closed his eyes and leaned back on the seat.

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"We could go home to yours instead?" I suggested when we got off the bus.

"You sure that would be okay? I mean…"

"Yeah, my parents aren't home anyway and I don't like being alone." I was scared of being left at home alone. It didn't happen often because my mum was just as scared as I was. But today both of my parents had to work late. I felt bad for asking Phil, but he didn't seem to mind. I liked spending time with him. He was like a break from illnesses and hospitals.

"Come on." He stretched his arm out and grabbed my hand. "You live further away from the bus stop anyway."

We walked down the road until we reached a small gray house. Smaller than mine, but a lot prettier.

"I think my mum is home," Phil said. I nodded nervously and let go of his hand. He opened the door and stepped inside. "It's still a bit of a mess in here, I'm sorry."

"That's fine." Boxes were standing on top of each other all the way down the hall.

"Just throw your stuff where you want. Things are everywhere anyway," Phil said, kicking his shoes off and placing his bag on the floor.

I did the same.

"What do you want to do?" he asked me. "My room is not quite done yet, but maybe we could go outside? The weather is good." I looked out. The sun was shining and it was hot enough, but I was still in my school clothes and they shouldn't get dirty. I nodded anyway and followed him through the house.

"I want to teach you something. Stay there." Phil ran across the garden and picked up a ball from the grass.

"You said you couldn't play?"

"I can't. But my brother taught me some tricks."

"You have a brother?" I asked, walking closer.

"Yeah. A big brother." Phil smiled and placed the ball on the ground in front of him. "Do you have any siblings?"

"A little brother. But he's just annoying. I understand him though. My parents give me all the attention…" Phil stopped his movements to look at me. I didn't mean to take all the attention, it just happened. I was poor, ill Dan. When I had bad nights, either my mum or dad would stay up with me. Sometimes my brother started crying at night so they would stay with him instead, but they didn't. I felt sorry for him, even though I couldn't help it.

"Should we play?" Phil tried to change the subject. I nodded quickly. "Okay, stand there." He pointed some meters to his left. "And when I kick the ball to you, you just kind of kick it back. Use the inside of your foot. Like this." Phil kicked the ball in my direction.

I moved my foot, but of course I didn't hit it. "Wow. Can I be on your team?" I grinned.

"Maybe we would be better at FIFA."

"Probably." I watched Phil as he picked up the ball again and placed it back in front of him.

"Try again," Phil said, smiling. He kicked the ball. This time I actually hit it. "Awesome!" Phil stopped the ball with his foot so it wouldn't roll away. I had never played before—it was quite fun. "Just tell me if it's too much, okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I nodded nervously. Any kind of movements made me nervous, even just walking slowly. It made my heartbeat rise, which was bad and only made things worse. "But do you think I can sit down?"

"Of course." Phil dropped the ball, grabbed one of the plastic chairs, and placed it on the grass.

"Thank you. Now kick it to me. I can still try sitting down," I said happily, moving around to get myself ready. "I think I got this now."

"You sure?" Phil giggled and got ready to kick the ball.

"I just need to hit you in the face. Then all my dreams are alive." I laughed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Please continue!


	2. Chapter 2

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 2

**Summary about chapter 2:** (They're 14-15 years old) Dan and Phil have to go on a school trip with all their classmates. Dan starts feeling bad at night and Phil has to help him.

**Words: **5.936

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"And we're moving!" Phil said happily, poking his head between the seats in front of him. I smiled quickly at him before leaning my head against the window and looking out.

"You okay?" he asked, turning to me when he realised I didn't answer him. I slowly moved to face him so that the back of my head still was resting on the window.

"Yeah…" I muttered. I wasn't quite sure how I felt. It was my first school trip and I was really, really nervous. Because of my condition, I had never been anywhere with my class except inside the school. I had never been away from home other than when I had to stay at the hospital. My mum wouldn't let me.

But things had changed since Phil came along. My mum trusted him 110%, and of course, I did too. So she allowed me to go on this trip as long as Phil promised he wouldn't let me out of his sight. But it wasn't easy getting me on the bus. The teachers had been to a meeting with my parents to get all the information they needed about everything. Their 'Dan file' had to be a hundred pages long. Phil was at the same 'meeting', just at my house instead. I always felt bad dragging him into all this. He should be out living his life like a normal 15-year-old—not be stuck with me. But no matter how many times I told him that, he would just laugh and look at me the same way he always did. He knew I didn't mean it—he could always see right through me. I would be lost without him, but I still felt bad.

"What are you thinking about?" Phil asked. He tilted his head a little to the side while he glanced at me with his icy blue eyes.

"About how stupid you look when you do that," I said, smiling.

"Nah, you love it." He looked straight ahead again. I grinned to myself and got back to watching the landscape pass by outside the bus.

I sighed softly and pressed myself further into my seat. I was more nervous than I wanted to admit, and I actually just wanted to drive back home. This was stupid, even with Phil around.

I was lost in my own thoughts when I felt Phil grab my wrist. It was his way of holding my hand—by my wrist instead. People wouldn't understand that, but I did.

But just as he did, he sat straight up on his seat and forced me to turn my head by grabbing me underneath my chin.

"Dan."

"I'm just nervous. It's fine," I assured him. My heart was beating a little too fast, and Phil felt that through my wrist.

"Nervous about what?" he asked, wrinkling his forehead.

"I don't know. It's just… I've never been anywhere and... you know." I moved my gaze to his hand, which was still resting on my wrist.

"Nothing to be nervous about. I'm here, okay? And you just have to tell me if it's too much. Then we'll call your mum and tell her to pick you up. You don't have to stay."

"Hmm." I took some deep breaths and closed my eyes in an attempt to lower my heart rate.

* * *

><p>We had been driving for nearly an hour now. I just kept looking out of the window and trying my best to calm myself down. Phil was still holding onto my wrist, but he squeezed it harder and harder as each minute went by.<p>

"What are you doing?" I asked jokingly, looking over to him. But I stopped joking when I saw his face. He looked even paler than me and small pearls of sweat were forming on his forehead. "You okay?" I whispered. I tried to catch eye contact, but he kept looking straight ahead. "Phil?"

"Hmm," he mumbled through his clenched teeth.

"Travel sickness?" I asked nervously and turned fully around to get a proper look. He gave me a quick nod, still without looking at me. "Something I can do?" This was new. Normally people had to take care of me. I never did anything for anyone else.

"Do you need to throw up?" I watched him as he shook his head and swallowed hard.

"I'm fine," he whispered nearly inaudibly. I could tell he wasn't. Maybe he didn't want to admit it because he didn't want me to worry. "Just don't touch me," he breathed out.

"Please tell me if I can do anything." I wanted to be useful for once—not just sit here like I always did.

"Phil?" But he just kept shaking his head.

I sighed softly and searched through my bag. Even though he told me he wouldn't throw up, he still looked like he might any second.

I quickly searched through everything and finally found a plastic bag in which I stored some of the medication that couldn't fit in my toiletry. I took it out and handed the bag to Phil, who grabbed it and clutched it tightly in his hand.

After watching him take deep breaths for a couple of minutes, he flipped open the bag and bent over, making his hair fall into his eyes as he quietly threw up into the plastic bag in front of his mouth. My pulse rose slightly. I didn't like seeing him like this. I was the sick one, not Phil.

"Everything alright here?" our teacher—Mrs. Welsh—asked. She laid her hand on Phil's shoulder.

"H-he's car sick," I stuttered. I hadn't even noticed my breathing had sped up along with my heartbeat.

"I'll be fine," Phil slurred into the bag and spat a couple of times.

"Hm," I moaned and looked out of the window. I wanted to comfort him, but it made me feel a little nauseous seeing him getting sick.

"I'll find you some paper towels," Mrs. Welsh whispered.

"You okay?" Phil asked in a hoarse voice. I simply nodded in response and took a deep breath.

"Here," I heard our teacher say.

"Thank you," Phil answered. I was still focusing out of the window.

"Do you still feel bad?" she asked him.

"Yeah, a little," Phil slurred.

"We'll arrive soon, don't worry. Let me take that."

"Thanks."

I slowly turned my head. Phil was sat pressed against the bus seat with his eyes closed. I placed my hand on his knee and squeezed it a bit, making him open his eyes again and smile quickly.

"I'm fine, Dan. Don't worry," he mumbled and rested his head down on my shoulder. "Just let me rest here for a minute."

"O-okay," I responded nervously.

* * *

><p>"Phil?" I whispered and gently shook him a bit. "Phil?"<p>

"Hmm, what?"

"We're here."

"Where?" he asked, disorientated.

"The school trip, you idiot." I nudged him.

"Oh..." He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. "Right. I'm sorry."He rubbed his eyes and fixed my shirt, which he had wrinkled in his sleep.

"It's okay." I smiled widely. "Now move. I need to use the toilet."

"Yeah, o-of course." Phil took a few deep breaths, making sure he was fully awake before he got to stand. I grabbed my back from the floor and followed him out of the bus.

"Give me your bag. I'll get our baggage. Just go for the toilet," he said, holding out his hand.

"Thank you." I smiled. "Don't leave it somewhere. I'll need the medication in there," I told him, making sure he got it. My whole life depended on that bag.

"I know," he assured me. "Don't worry."

* * *

><p>"We've got the whole place to ourselves. What do you want to do?"<p>

"I don't know. Go outside?" I suggested and looked around at my surrounding. We were in a big building that all kinds of schools and clubs were using for different kinds of camps. We had to share rooms, two and two. Each room had a bunk bed and a small table. It seemed quite comfortable. This should be fun.

All our classmates had to go on a walk with the teachers, but I couldn't come with them so we had to stay back.

"Good idea." Phil smiled.

The weather was good, so there was no problem with being outside in shorts and t-shirts. Even though I was wearing a long sleeved shirt, I got cold really easily and it was important that I didn't get sick or something.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked. He turned around so he was walking backwards, making it possible for him to look me in the eyes. A wide smile spread across his pale face as he looked down at me.

I grinned shyly and looked down on my feet. "Be careful you don't walk into a tree or something," I murmured to the ground, not daring to look up as I felt my cheeks slowly flush red.

"Oh, did I forget to tell you? I have eyes on the back of my neck," he joked.

"Stop it." I smiled, still looking down.

"Stop what?" he asked happily.

"That..." I mumbled and waved my hands in the air. I couldn't make myself say the rest of the sentence. It would probably ruin everything or make things weird. I couldn't afford something like that.

"What? I'm just walking." He grinned and bent over, trying to catch my eyes to see what I was on about. I did my best to avoid eye contact.

"Yes. But then stop that," I told him, stopping myself. His feet stopped moving and we stood still.

"Something wrong?" he asked. Suddenly his tone changed from happy to more nervous.

"Not at all," I answered and sat down on the dry grass.

"You want to stay on the ground?" he asked, confused.

"Yeah." I looked around. I was sat on the grass in front of the building. Phil was still standing in front of me. "Yeah. Here is fine."

"You sure you're okay?" he asked as he sat down.

"I'm fine, Phil." I smiled and finally looked up. "Really," I assured him. My cheeks were still slightly hot, but I could blame the heat for that rather than my friend in front of me.

"What do you want to do here then?" he asked, his tone a mix between happy and rather confused.

"Just, nothing," I answered without really knowing where this conversation was going.

"Hmm, okay. Whatever you want, King Daniel."

"Very funny." I quickly nudged his shoulder, leaned back on the grass, and closed my eyes, just letting the sun heat up my body. I could hear Phil do the same.

We were just lying—no talking. I liked silence like this. It was something different with Phil. I could be like I wanted to be. If I wanted to talk, we could talk. If I wanted to stay silent, we would say nothing. I didn't need to entertain him all the time. It was just like being around myself. I was comfortable with him.

"What do you wanna do when you grow up?" I asked, still lying stretched out on the grass, my fingers buried in the straws.

"Hmm, I don't know," Phil mumbled. "I haven't really thought about it."

"You haven't?" I asked, surprised.

"No. Or maybe. Something with media could be nice, but… Yeah, I don't know." He sighed. "Have you thought about anything?" he asked.

"Yeah…" I breathed out. "But first of all, I don't even know if I'm going to grow up and..." But I didn't get the chance to finish my sentence before I felt Phil moving around beside me, making me turn my head to see what he was doing. He was rolled on his side and supporting himself on his elbow while resting his head on his hand. I rolled on my side too, to get a better look when the sun was out of my sight.

"Dan."

"Hmm?"

"Don't say that." He shook his head a bit while he glanced sadly at me.

"But it's true…" I whispered, looking away.

"I know. But just don't… please," he begged. "You can be whatever you want because you're going to live a long, happy life, okay?" We didn't talk about the future that much. I wanted to sometimes, but Phil just got angry or frustrated. It was more comfortable for me to talk about it than for him. I understood though. I had been around illness and hospitals all my life. It was nothing new to me or my family, but to Phil it was something different. I liked it. He didn't just accept everything like my parents did.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled and rolled back onto my back.

"It's okay." Phil placed his hand on my shoulder and gently rubbed his thumb across my shirt, making me look at him again. "But what do you want to do?" He smiled.

"You'll laugh." I giggled nervously and blinked up at him.

"No I won't, stupid," he responded slightly offended.

"If you promise, then I'll tell you." I smiled.

"I promise," he said determinedly.

"I want to be an actor." I glanced away from him, afraid of his reaction. "But it's never going to happen. With a heart like mine... It's just unrealistic."

"Don't let a disease stop you from having dreams, Dan. It doesn't matter," Phil tried.

"Well, who would hire an actor with a heart condition?" I asked.

"I don't know. You never know what could happen. If I dreamt about being a football player, would you then tell me I couldn't?"

"But you suck at football."

"I know, but that's not the point, Dan. If it was something I liked, should I just stop because I'm bad? And maybe I could be better at some point." He stopped for a second, just looking me in the eyes. "If it's something you like, Dan, don't just stop because of a weak heart."

"It's a stupid idea..." I muttered. I thought a lot about how my life would turn out, but every time my mind came to subjects such as universities and future job opportunities, I became sad. I didn't know how much I would be able to handle in the future. School was hard enough already.

"It's really not, Dan. I think it's a great idea," Phil assured me. "I mean it…"

I didn't answer—just laid down again, allowing the sun to shine back on my face.

"You could sign up for a drama club or something. Be in the school play."

"Would you come and watch me then?" I giggled jokingly.

"How is that a question? Of course I would!"

I smiled at the sun as I felt my cheeks slowly turning red again. Hoping Phil wouldn't notice, but he stayed down right beside me.

**Phil -**

"Dan?" I asked after about 20 minutes of just laying flat down on the grass. But I got no answer. "Dan?" I asked again and moved up to a sitting position, making it possible for me to look down at him. He was fast asleep beside me.

"Great," I muttered, smiling widely. I never had the heart to wake him up, but we couldn't stay here all day. Our classmates would also be back soon.

I watched him as he slowly rolled over and made himself comfortable on his side. I lay back down again, facing him and just watching him sleep peacefully. I liked watching him like that—he didn't seem ill at all.

I couldn't resist the temptation and gently stroked my fingers across his cheek, making him nuzzle his head onto his hands at the touch.

Being careful not to wake him up, I carefully brushed his brown hair out of eyes. I don't think he could get anymore adorable even if he tried.

I heard voices coming from behind us and I slowly turned around. Our class was walking down the gravel path.

"Dan?" I whispered and rubbed his shoulder.

"No..." he muttered.

"You have to wake up, I'm sorry."

"Please... I'm so tired."

"I know. But the others are coming now and we can't just lay sleeping on the grass," I told him. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked a few times at me. "Good morning." I smiled.

"Go away," he responded, stretching his arms above his head.

"Maybe you should go take a nap if you're so tired?"

"Maybe. I didn't sleep very well last night either," he mumbled, followed by a yawn.

"Why?" I asked nervously. I moved to stand on all fours and leaned over him, blocking the sun from his eyes.

"I don't know. Nervous I guess. It's my first school trip ever and all... I don't know. If something happened..."

"Hmm..." I wrinkled my forehead and slowly looked him over. I began to wonder if it was such a good idea bringing him here.

"Let me help you up," I offered and got to stand. "Take my hand." I stretched out my hand, asking for him to grab it before I pulled him off of the ground.

"Thanks."

We started walking inside until Mrs. Welsh stopped us.

"Everything alright?" she asked, smiling.

"Everything is fine," I responded and moved my gaze to Dan.

"Good. Dinner in a minute. Go wash your hands." She nodded at us and started walking towards the other students to tell them the same thing she'd just told us.

"What time is it?" Dan asked as we stepped inside.

I quickly glanced at the clock. "Around six."

"Medication time!" Dan cheered sarcastically and then sighed.

"Wait here. I'll get it." I ran down the corridor and searched through the bag he'd had with him on the bus. Finding the container in which all his pills were stored, I ran back to him.

"Got it," I breathed and held it up in front of him. "Now walk. I'm hungry."

We entered the great hall. Many of our classmates were already sat by the tables. I looked around, desperately hoping to find two seats next to each other.

"There." Dan pointed to the back of the room.

"Sit down, I'll get the food." I turned to the table with the food on. They decided to make burgers. I knew Dan had to eat as healthily as possible, so I didn't like their choice of food, but there was nothing to do about it. Luckily there was some salad, so I filled a whole plate with that before I headed back to Dan.

"The best I could do," I said. I handed him his plate with a whole mountain of boring salad on and a small burger on the side.

"Wow." Dan grinned. "It's fine."

"Great." I sat down just as Dan opened the box with the pills, making the kid in front of us stare strangely at Dan.

Dan moved his hand with the pills underneath the table and looked down. He didn't like taking all those pills in front of people, but it was better swallowing them with food than water.

"What?" I snapped and angrily glared at the boy.

"Nothing. Nothing…" He tried.

"Great! Then look away," I said harshly, pointing in the other direction. He focused down on his food instead.

* * *

><p>"I'm done for today, Phil. I'm sorry." Dan had slowed down on our way back to our room. I stopped, turned around, and looked him over.<p>

I stepped back to him and lifted up his chin. "Time for bed then." His eyes had turned a light shade of red.

"And what should you do?" he asked, breathing heavily.

"Stare at you?"

"Creep." He giggled shyly.

"Yes." I smiled and forced him to start moving again.

"Can I borrow your hoodie?" he asked me and sat down on the bed.

"Where's yours?"

"I forgot it." It looked like he was lying or just too lazy to find his own, but I didn't question it.

"Of course." I nodded before searching through my luggage. I found the hoodie and gently threw it in his direction. He pulled it over his head, not caring to take the hood off as he lay down on the bed. "Anything else?"

He shook his head. "Were you serious with the staring thing?" he asked as he closed his eyes.

"Hmm, yes. Maybe I'll read a bit too." I unpacked his sleeping bag and unzipped it so it could be used as a duvet instead, as I didn't think he had energy go climb into it.

"Read something for me," he mumbled, half-asleep.

"I'll just be reading loud to myself." I said and wrapped the sleeping bag around him.

"I'll listen. I promise." He smiled and yawned lazily.

"Okay then. It's going to be Harry Potter. Is that okay?"

"Do I have other choices?" I could hear he was already drifting off.

"No." I laughed, opened the book, and started to read for him.

Half an hour and a few chapters later, light snoring was the only sound filling the room. I stopped reading and moved my gaze towards him. He was passed out asleep on top of the bed, legs tangled in the sleeping bag and his head hidden underneath his hand.

The door was suddenly being pushed open by one of the teachers. "Hey, Phil, would you and Dan like to... Oh." He spotted the sleeping form on mattress. "Is he okay?" the teacher asked nervously, lowering his voice.

"It's fine. He's just tired," I assured him. "I'll just stay here and read while he sleep. It's okay."

"Okay, good. I'll tell the others not to bother you."

"Thank you, sir." I smiled.

After reading about 200 pages, my eyelids were too heavy to keep open. The hall had become silent and it was slightly dark outside.

I quickly changed out of my clothes and into something more comfortable. The last challenge was getting up into bed without waking Dan. It was an old wooden bed, which would definitely make a sound as soon as I put a foot on the ladder.

As carefully as I could I claimed up the ladder, one slow step after another.

"Phil?" I heard Dan mutter beneath me. _Shit_ I thought to myself, stopping my movements. "Is that you?"

"Yeah..." I answered and stepped back down on the ground.

"I'm scared," he whispered.

"Of what?" I got on my knees beside the bed. It was hard to see anything—I could only make out the outline of his figure.

"I don't know. It's just..." He stopped to breathe. "Could you maybe sleep down here?" he asked, nearly too quietly to hear.

"Of course," I whispered and stood back up. "Move over." I grabbed my sleeping bag and unzipped it like I did with Dan's.

"Are you cold?" I asked as I lay down.

"A little."

I wrapped both of the covers around him, leaving me with only a thin blanket.

"Now you have nothing?"

"It doesn't matter, Dan. Don't think about me. Now just sleep." I made myself comfortable on the small bed and pressed myself against Dan. I tried not to make this too weird, but I didn't want him to be scared. He had only ever slept at my house before, so I understood.

"Thank you..."

* * *

><p>Maybe we had been asleep for two hours when I woke up to some whimpering noises coming from beside me. It took me a minute to understand that it was Dan making them. I looked around, confused from sleeping. I couldn't really see anything, so I stumbled out of bed and turned on the light only to reveal Dan curled up in a ball on the bed. It sounded like he had trouble breathing so I slowly turned him around. He was covered in small beads of sweat and his breathing was heavy and gasping.<p>

I stuck two fingers to his neck to feel his pulse. It was really fast, so I removed his covers and placed my hand down on his chest. His heart was pounding just as fast and irregularly.

"Dan?" I nervously shook him a bit.

"Huh?" he squeaked out through struggling breaths.

"The beta-blockers. Where are they?" I asked urgently, making sure he would understand.

"Plastic bag in…" It was obviously hurting him with every breath. "B-backpack."

I hurriedly spun around and overturned his backpack, making everything fall out.

"It-it's not there!" I desperately searched through his stuff. Nothing.

"You used... the bag. Carsick. Must have… f-fallen o-out."

"You mean, they're on the bus?" I stopped all my movements, froze, and turned my attention back to Dan who looked even worse than before. "Jesus Christ, Daniel…" I muttered as my muscles started trembling.

I pulled him into a sitting position—it wouldn't do him any good lying down. I climbed into the bed and placed myself behind him, making him sit between my legs so he could use my torso as a pillow. He just fell numbly onto me and breathed heavily.

With unsteady movements, I picked up my phone and called Mrs. Welsh. I had her number just in case anything like this happened.

"_Phil?_"

"Hurry down here!" I practically yelled into the phone. "And call an ambulance!"

Within seconds our door was being violently swung open. Dan didn't seem to notice at all and just stayed leaning against me, his head resting on my collarbone. Mrs. Welsh and our other teacher, Mr. Robertson, hurried into the room. But Mr. Robertson quickly walked back out again, holding up his phone. I heard him explaining to, what I guessed must have been the dispatcher or Dan's parents, what the situation was.

"The beta-blockers have gone missing," I hurried told Mrs. Welsh. "He needs to go to the hospital."

"We just called, don't worry." She sounded almost more nervous than I was. No time to freak out in situations like this—that wouldn't help on anything. That was the first thing Dan's mother taught me. It was okay to be scared, but staying calm was important.

"Ph-Phil… The tablets… Give th-them to m-me." Dan whined.

"We don't have them," I mumbled and dragged my fingers through his messy sweaty hair. The pills were supposed to expand his veins, making it easier for the blood to go around his body and relieve the heart by slowing down the heart rate. Without them, Dan's blood flow was constricted and his heart was cramping. We never knew when this might occur, but it rarely happened at night so this made me really nervous. I'd watched him have them before, but that was when he wasn't my responsibility. His mother was around to fix things. I was just there and listened to everything she told me about it.

Now he was my responsibility and I couldn't give him the help he needed.

"I'm scared…" he murmured.

I sighed softly and gave the teacher a quick glance before I answered. "I know. Everything is fine..." Everything was not fine—I was just trying to calm him down. Panic wouldn't help.

I slipped my hand underneath his shirt and moved it up to placed it on his heart. I could feel how it was struggling and it made me really scared too.

"Am I going to…" He cut himself of by breathing. "Die?" he whispered.

I felt all the blood leaving my head by that question.

"O-of course not," I stuttered into his hair and gently, dragging my fingers across his chest. "It's your birthday soon, remember? 15 years old, Dan..." I did my best to not make this about the illness in an attempt not to freak him out and make it worse.

"Hm…"

"And I was going to come over. Remember that?" I removed my hand from him and tried to turn my head a bit to get a better look at him. He was white as snow and had his eyes closed tightly together while his mouth was slightly hanging open. "Dan?"

"Hm." But he just kept making a _hmm_ sound with each breath, so I couldn't be sure he was paying attention to me.

"And you are going to be an actor…" I continued with a shaking voice. I wasn't ready to handle this. I thought I was and that was why I agreed to take him on this trip. He should've never come along. I couldn't do things like this. I couldn't be the responsible one and the caring friend all at once. I didn't know how to handle this. I was just Phil and this was my fault. If I hadn't have gotten carsick, we would have had the medication and this wouldn't be that big of a problem. He was really ill right now, and it was my fault.

"Hff…Phi.. It, it h-hurts…" I wrapped my arms around his torso and held him close because I was helpless. I grabbed his one wrist and pressed my fingers against his pulse. I always did that whenever he felt bad. It was my way to holding his hand and it sometimes made him smile because he thought I was ridiculous, but I knew he liked it.

Mrs. Welsh was standing beside me, just looking. All of the other teachers had appeared too and Mr. Robertson was trying to explain the situation.

I looked out of the window and saw red and blue lights coming through the curtains.

"The ambulance is here," I whispered, not even sure if he could hear me.

Two medics rushed into the already too-crowded room and started asking questions. I answered as many as I could until someone handed one of the medics a phone with Dan's mum at the other end.

To get a better working space, they moved him away from my arms and onto the stretcher. He was just like a poorly breathing doll, not reacting to any of the movements.

They quickly cut the hoodie open, along with the long-sleeved shirt he was wearing underneath to get his chest free, allowing them to stick a small cardiac monitor to his chest so they could watch everything.

I hadn't moved from my position and now others took over the situation. The adrenaline was slowly wearing off. I felt light-headed and started to shake a little.

I forced myself to look at Dan and the medics even though it made me feel sick. I wanted to follow everything they were doing to him. He could die and my mind was slowly starting to realise that. My breathing sped up and I started to shake more violently. I could lose him.

They wrapped and oxygen mask around his head and put an IV in his hand.

"Let's go," one of the medics said, and started rolling Dan through the corridors. Some of the other students was looking out in the hall from their rooms. I quickly got up and followed them, not even caring to put on my shoes until Mrs. Welsh stopped me.

"Who is driving with us?" they asked as they pushed Dan into the ambulance.

"Him." The teacher pointed at me and one of the medics led me in to sit beside Dan. "And me." Mrs. Welsh pointed at herself. She put in the front seat.

After a couple of minutes, everything was ready and we started driving.

"You okay?" The medic asked me. I felt really dizzy and disorientated, probably just as pale as Dan, but nodded anyway. This shouldn't be about me. "This works the same way as the beta-blockers," he told me as he injected some medication into the IV. I kept nodding without saying anything and took a few really deep breaths as I felt the blood leaving my head. I knew all this, but I had never been in a situation like this with Dan on my own.

After a few minutes his heart slowed down a bit and it became easier for him to breathe.

"We'll arrive soon," the man told me while he wrote something down on his clipboard.

"Hmm," I breathed in understanding. I almost felt ill because I was so shocked.

After another couple of minutes we pulled over in front of the hospital. They rushed Dan inside. Mrs. Welsh and I followed them. I quickly took my place in a chair outside the room where they took care of Dan.

"Phil?" Mrs. Welsh carefully poked my shoulder. "Would you like to talk to Dan's parents?" She held out a phone.

I took it with my shaky hands and pressed it against my ear. "Hello?" I asked nervously.

"_Hey, Phil,_" said a tired voice. "_Everything okay?_"

The whole situation washed over me and I started sobbing into in phone. "No," I squeaked out before I started crying properly. "I'm s-sorry!"

"_Hey, hey. Nothing to be sorry about—it's not your fault. Everything is fine, okay?_"

I shook my head in response even though she couldn't see me. I couldn't form words.

"_You did just fine, Phil. Don't worry._" How could she stay so calm?

"It was m-my fault the medication got l-lost, I..." I sobbed and told her about the bus trip.

"_It wasn't your fault, sweetie. Your teacher told me about how you handled it back on the camp. You did perfectly. Absolutely perfect, Phil._"

I sniffed a couple of times and took a deep breath. "I made sure he wasn't cold or a-anything, but I-I still couldn't t-take c-care of him!" I grasped.

"_You did nothing wrong, okay? You did everything we told you, Phil. He's lucky having someone like you.." _she assured me and stopped talking for a second._ "We'll be there as fast as we can. But we have to drive a long way. Stay with him, can you do that?_"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, o-of course," I sobbed.

"_Do you want me to call your mum?_" she then asked me.

"Hmm, yes." I sniffed.

"_Okay. Okay, we'll arrive soon. But none of this is your fault, Phil._"

"No..." I muttered. "Okay. See y-you soon." I unsteadily handed the phone back to Mrs. Welsh, who continued talking to Dan's mum as she walked away.

I sat still on my chair, unsure of what would happen next.

After what seemed like an eternity, a nurse walked up to me. "Are you Phil?" she asked.

"Y-yeah, it's me." My heart was pounding really hard in my chest from pure nervousness.

"You can go see Dan now, if you want." She smiled down on me. I nodded, rose from the chair, and followed her down the hall before we stopped outside a room.

I slowly poked my head inside. Dan was lying stretched out on the white hospital bed with a big cardiac monitor standing beside, naked from his waist and up. All kinds of wires were stuck to different places on his chest. It beeped a steady rhythm along with the movements of the chest. A bag of saltwater was hooked up to his hand and oxygen tubes were attached to his nose.

I swallowed hard and entered the room.

"W-will he be alright?" I stuttered and walked closer.

"Yes. He'll be just fine," she assured me with a caring smile.

I watched him breathe peacefully as I stood right beside the bed.

"Phil_?_" he asked in a hoarse voice, nearly impossible to hear. He didn't even open his eyes.

"Yes." My eyes started water up again. "Yes. Hello…" I whispered. What do you say in a situation like this?

"Thank…" He slowly opened his eyes, took a deep breath and glanced tiredly at me "...you."

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><p><strong>AN: **Please continue! ^^


	3. Chapter 3

****I'll heal the hole in your heart** **chapter 3

**Summary about chapter 3:** (They're 16-17 years old) It's Dan's first time on stage after starting in a drama club. Phil is watching him from behind the stage curtain and feelings are slowly making sense.

**Words: **1.465

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><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"I'm not sure about this, Phil."

"Everything will be fine, Dan. I promise you."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, whispering, and slowly turned around.

"I've seen you rehearse and you're amazing!" he assured me. I stared nervously at him.

"Let's sit down," Phil said as he led me further behind the stage.

We both sat down on some wooden boxes and stayed silent for a minute. I didn't know what to say; this was my first play, my first time on stage in front of actual people. People who could judge me and make fun of me. People who could ask questions and have opinions.

"Why suddenly so nervous?" Phil asked. He gently lifted up my chin so that he could look at me properly.

I closed my eyes and sighed softly in his hand before I spoke. "It's just… what if something happens?"

"Like what?"

"Like, I forget my lines or fall or even fall off the stage."

"Why would you do that, Dan? I've been to almost all your rehearsals and you've never made a mistake, so why would that happen tonight?"

"My parents are watching..." I muttered simply as I moved my head away from Phil's hand.

"And?" Phil asked, slightly confused.

"I want to prove something to them, Phil..." I focused back on my hands in my lap. "That I'm not just the useless sick Dan who's always sitting inside, doing nothing besides being ill…" I trailed off and took a few deep breaths. This wasn't the time to start crying and be sentimental. "This is the first time _I'm_ doing something. Something they can be proud of. Something they can look back on and be like, 'this is our son'. A thing that's not about hospitals." I turned my head to face Phil. He was looking caringly back at me. "Understand?"

"I understand…" he mumbled. "But they are proud of you anyway, Dan. You don't have to prove it." He paused.

"I'm proud of you. Remember the first time I met you? You were just sitting alone in the back of the classroom, not saying anything, not looking up, nothing. I found you so interesting… I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not attracted to 'normal'. You were so different."

"And you were nosey..." I nervously giggled.

"Yes. Yes I was." Phil smiled widely. "But when I think back on that time and then think of now, I can see how much you've changed. From not talking to anyone to having the main role in a play in front of a lot of people you don't even know."

"And my parents…"

"Forget your parents. You don't have to do anything to please others, not even your parents. Not even me. Just yourself—no one else. If you're proud of yourself, then that's all that matters."

Phil always knew how to say things so that I understood. And I wanted to do this. It wasn't all about my parents. I wanted to prove something to myself—that I could do things, heart condition or not.

"I'll be standing here and watching you. You're never alone. And maybe someday when you're more comfortable about this, I'll be sitting down there and watch you." Phil got to stand before he helped me up too.

"You're going to do great." He smiled widely and brushed my fringe out of my face. "I think you look more like Peter Pan that the real Peter Pan did."

"You've met Peter Pan?" I asked jokingly.

"Of course I have!" Phil grinned. "We're best friends!"

"I through I was your best friend?" I playfully nudged his shoulder.

"You can call me back the day you can fly."

"You're so annoying," I giggled. I almost forgot how nervous I was. Phil knew all the right ways to calm me down. Besides medication, I believe he was the most important thing in my life. I knew he was.

Then things got hard and my parents were only there to worry. Phil came as my knight in shining armour. He had an amazing ability to push the illness away. He never saw me as ill; I don't know how he managed it. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw nothing but hospitals. But when I looked at Phil, I saw life. I saw a future.

He was the one who pushed me into acting because he believed I could do it. He saw opportunities, not obstacles.

"Ready Daniel?" I quickly turned around. My drama teacher was walking towards us.

"Ready." I smiled.

"Two minutes."

"Yes, sir."

I turned back to Phil and lazily wrapped my arms around his torso. "Thanks," I breathed into his shoulder.

Phil squeezed me a little tighter. "I'm proud of you," he whispered. "Remember, if you're feeling bad you can just walk out to me. You don't have to stay in there if something starts to hurt or you get dizzy. I won't move from here and you'll be able to see me all the time if you turn your head."

"Yeah..." I muttered as I released Phil from my arms.

**Phil -**

"Okay," I breathed out. I was almost more nervous than Dan. "Come on." I grabbed Dan's wrist and gently dragged him with me to stand beside the end of the stage curtain.

Dan's drama teacher was standing in the other end across the stage. He gave him a quick smile before Dan turned to face me.

The way he was looking at me made my body heat up. His gaze reminded me of the time we sat by the track, watching our classmates play football on the first day we met. The same thankful way he always looked at me.

The music started playing and Dan immediately focused straight ahead. I kept watching him without him realising and smiled widely. I couldn't believe how far he had come.

I let go of Dan's wrist and watched him as he started to walk slowly towards the middle of the stage.

I had seen them practice hundreds of times, but it still made me happy inside seeing Dan enjoying something. His life revolved around hospitals and worries, but it was like he forgot it all that when he was on stage.

The fact that they chose him for the main role, despite his condition, made him realise something as well. He couldn't let anything come in his way. Everybody was equal and should be treated equally.

Their teacher had modified the play for Dan. He was allowed to sit down from time to time when needed. The girl playing Wendy just followed his lead. She was really good. Dan was still learning, but he was talented—I could tell. His way of expressing emotions was impressive. He could be incredible if he kept going.

I sat down on a chair behind me, just watching the act.

Did I dare say that he looked beautiful? The way his brown hair was slightly messed up because of the role he was playing, and the way it curled in the end? His green costume, fitting his slim body perfectly? I couldn't allow myself to think like that, but I couldn't ignore the facts. He _did_ look beautiful. He _did_ look amazing.

But it was forbidden. How do you tell your best friend, your _only_ friend, that you like him? I knew I was gay and I had known for a while, but my feelings about Dan got mixed up along the way. I felt possessive towards him. I couldn't distinguish between love and protection.

I stopped my thoughts and focused back on the play. Dan had sat down on the stage floor with the girl playing Wendy beside him. They looked so happy and comfortable. Was this jealousy?

"Don't be stupid…" I giggled to myself, shaking my head. I couldn't be jealous. No feelings could control how my relationship with Dan would continue. I had no intention of asking him how he felt in case we were two different places. He had enough to think about, and neither of us could afford to lose a friendship—especially not a friendship like this. I was afraid i would scare him away so I had to keep the feelings in my heart.

I was the one Dan came to when things got to be too much. I was the one going with him everywhere when he was scared. I was the one being with him when he felt alone. And it gave me so much. I had never imagined that I would have such a big impact on someone's life. It was both amazing and terrifying.

Protection is some kind of love, isn't it?

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><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	4. Chapter 4

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 4

**Summary about chapter 4:** (They're 17-18 years old) Dan has a cold and has to be hospitalized. Phil skips school to come visit him. Things heat up…

**Words: **4.995

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><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

"Too early..." I groaned and rolled over to turn my alarm off. I lazily put on my glasses to get a better look at my phone. Dan had written me a text saying he wouldn't come to school. That caught my attention and I sat up in bed. He'd sent it yesterday after I had fallen asleep.

Dan's mum had written me one too telling me they had brought Dan to the hospital last night, but that he had said that I shouldn't worry and just to go to school.

I read it over a couple of times, confused, before I fully understood what this was about.

"Hospital?" I mumbled. I quickly dialled Dan's mum's number and desperately waited for her to pick it up.

"_Hello?_"

"Hey Mrs. Howell, it's Phil. What's happening?" I asked as I started walking around my room to find my clothes. No matter what Dan told me, I would be visiting the hospital instead of showing up at school.

"_Oh hey. Everything is fine. His cold got worse, so we thought it would be best to take him to the hospital._"

"Are you there?" I asked.

"_No, I'm at work. Dan told you not to visit him, but I know you're going to anyway. But you have to wait until nine or else they won't let you in._" Dan's mum sounded really tired; it must have been a long night.

"He's alone?" I asked, surprised.

"_Yeah… I told them to call if something happened and I would be right over. But there's nothing I can do..._" She stopped.

"No, I understand. I'll visit him later and keep him company." I knew Dan hated everything about being in hospital, especially being alone. But his parents had jobs too, so I understood that they couldn't be there all day. Dan was a fairly well known patient, so it was not like he would be around strangers.

"_It's very sweet of you, Phil, but I think you should go to school instead… He shouldn't be the reason for your absence._"

"I won't be able to get anything done knowing he's in hospital, Mrs. Howell. So it's fine," I assured her as I walked around my room to find my computer and my DS so we'd at least have something to do besides look at white walls.

"_If you say so._" She sighed, but I could hear she was smiling.

"I say so." I smiled. "I'll make sure he's okay."

"_Thank you,_" she breathed into the phone.

* * *

><p>"He's sleeping. But you can go in." A nurse pointed into the room to our left. I poked my head inside. Dan was lying on his side, facing away from the door, with a white duvet loosely wrapped around him. Nothing was beeping—the only sound I could hear was Dan's steady breathing—so I guessed it wasn't that bad.<p>

I tiptoed through the room towards the hospital bed and rolled over a chair so I could sit next to him.

As I sat down, I quickly looked him over. An oxygen mask wrapped around his head and he had a bag of saltwater hooked up to his right hand.

I bent down a little to get a better look. He had dark circles around his closed eyes and his brown hair was covering his forehead. He looked even paler than he usually was. I could tell from his breathing that his nose was blocked. He'd had a cold for a few days now and it was only getting worse, so bringing him here was probably a good idea.

I leaned over the bed, crossed my arms, placed them on the mattress, and rested my head down on them, just watching him sleep. That had always been one of my favourite views—looking at Dan sleeping—so I couldn't help but smile.

After watching for another 10 minutes, he started coughing softly, causing him to wake up a little. I kept staring at him until he was fully awake and glancing confusedly at me.

"Phil?" he asked, followed by a few coughs.

"Hey," I mumbled, smiling at him.

"Wait, what time is it?" he breathed out.

"Around 9:30," I told him.

He closed his eyes back together and yawned widely. "I told you not to come here..."

"You should have thought about that before you decided to be hospitalized," I said, and sat up a bit.

"Well it's not like I asked for this…" Dan smiled, exhausted.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Like shit," he muttered. He rolled onto his back and rested his arm across his forehead.

"How long have you been here?"

"Since 3 am, I guess." He took a couple of deep breaths before he continued. "I don't know. I was feeling worse and my mum called the hospital and drove me here. It was all very confusing."

"How long did your mum stay?" I leaned back on the chair and lazily crossed my arms across my chest. I was just trying to get all the information so I knew how serious the situation was.

"I don't know, maybe… Jesus, Phil. Are you investigating or something?" Dan smiled and breathed heavily.

"Just asking," I responded. "Why is that not on?" I asked, pointing to the other side of the bed.

Dan opened his eyes back up and made his gaze follow my finger. "The cardiac monitor?" he replied, looking back at me. I nodded quickly. "It's difficult to sleep next to something that keeps beeping. Like the one time you tried to finish Pokémon in one night." He giggled.

"I did it, though." I smiled to him.

"Yeah, but it was really annoying..." Dan managed to say, before he started coughing. His whole body was shaking with each cough and I could tell it was really hurting him.

"You okay?" I asked, quite nervous.

He didn't answer, just nodded his head.

"Can you help me out of this thing? I need to use the bathroom," he said, his voice hoarse from coughing.

"What thing?" I asked, confused. I looked around.

"The oxygen. Just loosen that thing on the back of my head. I kept nudging it off in my sleep. " Dan sat up a little and I pulled it off of him. "Could you maybe help me up too?"

"Of course." I walked to the other side of the bed. Dan slowly moved his feet over the edge of the mattress. I grabbed his hand without the IV and pulled him up to stand.

"I'm really dizzy… let me just stand here for a second," he whispered and held firmly onto my hand. "Can you give me that?" He pointed at the stand with the bag of saltwater on. I pushed it towards him and he grabbed a hold on it for support.

"I feel like an old man." He giggled sadly.

I didn't reply. I hated seeing him in hospital. It was like reality got too close and everything became too real. I knew he was really ill, but I couldn't accept it. I didn't see him as ill when we were together; I just saw him as Dan. He had some special needs, yes. But who doesn't?

"I'm scared to close the door..." he muttered and stopped in front of the bathroom. "Could you maybe just turn around?" he asked, taking a few deep breaths. Maybe it was just me, but he seemed a bit worse after only this 10 meter journey.

"Of course." I smiled caringly and let go of his arm.

I turned my back to him and glanced at the bare white wall in front of me.

"Just tell me when you're done," I said and leaned against the doorframe.

"Y-yeah…" He sounded breathless. I wanted to look and see if he was okay, but I didn't want to ruin his privacy.

"You can turn around," he murmured after a few minutes of silence.

I did and my gaze fell on Dan who was leaning over the sink. I stepped towards him, but he didn't look at me.

"You okay?" I asked nervously as I bent over a little, trying to look him in the eyes.

He shook his head slightly. I placed my hand on his shoulder and carefully made him turn to face me.

He breathed heavily into my face and kept shaking his head a little. His eyes were desperately locked with mine and he looked helpless. I looked concernedly at him and sighed softly before I moved my hand to his forehead. A fever was raging through his body and he was sweating a lot. Getting out of bed was probably a really bad idea.

"I-I need to be sick…" he mumbled through struggling breaths. He looked like his legs were about to give out. Quickly moving to stand behind him, I grabbed him under each arm so he wouldn't fall over.

I tried to push the stand with the bag of saltwater towards the toilet with my foot so that the hose would be able to reach before I gently got him to sit in front of the toilet. Dan was like a doll in my arms; he didn't weigh that much, so I could easily move him around.

I placed myself on my knees behind him and supported his head above the toilet. Once I made sure he was in a safe position in case he threw up, I quickly hit the red button for emergencies.

**Dan -**

"I don't feel so good, Ph-Phil…" I managed to squeak out before I felt Phil place his hand on my forehead to keep my head up.

"It's okay, Dan," he assured me while rubbing his free hand up and down my back for comfort. "Relax." He sounded nervous. I didn't like this.

"Huh…" I breathed out and spat into the toilet. My mouth kept watering up and an unpleasant rising feeling filled my throat, which made me gag. But nothing happened. I would much rather just throw up instead of feeling like I would.

"He had to use the bathroom, so I followed him out and then he told me he needed to be sick," Phil suddenly explained to someone I hadn't even noticed was there.

"Dan?" the unknown man's voice asked as he bent down to get on my level. I didn't have enough energy to answer, so I kept taking deep, heavy breaths above the toilet as Phil supported me.

"Can you pull him away from the toilet?" the doctor asked. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't. I was so sick and dizzy. It still felt like I was going to throw up so I didn't like being moved away from the toilet.

But Phil carefully pulled me away from the bowl and held me against his chest. My white hospital shirt was almost soaked through because I was sweating so much. It felt like I was about to melt into Phil.

My shirt was slowly being unbuttoned and I opened my eyes to see what was happening. My whole world was spinning violently which made me even more dizzy and nauseous than I already was.

The doctor in front of me was about to place a stethoscope on my chest. "Don't..." I mumbled and tried to move away from Phil, not with much luck.

"Stay still," Phil commanded me. But I wanted to get away. I didn't know why, but because of the fever and the building pain in my chest I couldn't think straight. My breathing started to speed up along with my heartbeat, making the tightening feeling worse.

"Do you feel pain?" the doctor asked me. "Daniel?"

I nodded weakly and desperately pressed myself further into Phil. I began shivering, which made my breath stick in my throat and I started coughing. It didn't make it easier to breathe and I became more desperate.

I felt myself being lifted up, but I didn't have enough energy to even move a muscle. Because of my blocked nose from the cold it was even harder to breathe than usual.

Without really knowing what was going on, I was being placed back on the soft mattress and someone wrapped an oxygen mask around my head, making the air a bit clearer.

I was so scared and confused. People were touching my chest and sticking things to my aching, burning skin. It felt familiar, but I still didn't like it.

Someone was talking about me, but I couldn't understand what they were saying; it just sounded like a mumble. I felt light-headed, breathless, and confused from the fever. I most of all just wanted to sleep and get away.

**Phil -**

I walked back into the corner to get out of the way so the doctors could do their jobs. But Dan quickly fell asleep from pure fatigue.

I quietly followed everything they were doing, trying to make myself invisible. Mostly because I really didn't want to be thrown out of the room in case they noticed me.

I focused on the machine beside the bed. The steady beeping sound followed the movements of his chest. They quickly got the situation under control, but I stayed in the corner, just watching.

After another 30 minutes it seemed like everything was back to normal. Or, as normal as it would get considering the circumstances and Dan's condition.

Dan was sleeping—lying on his back on top of the white bed with an oxygen mask wrapped around his head. The sound of his heavy breaths got mixed with the beeping sound from the cardiac monitor standing right beside the bed. From what I could tell from his facial expression, he looked very uncomfortable, exhausted, and in slight pain.

The doctors walked out, leaving only a young nurse. I dared to step a little closer. Now that it was only us, it seemed okay.

"You're Phil?" she asked me with a little smile.

"Yeah, that's me." I smiled back and stepped towards Dan's bedside.

"And you're his...?"

"Friend."

"Friend," she repeated, still smiling. "Okay, I'll just check a few things then I'll leave and come back again in a few minutes."

I nodded quickly and watched her. She clicked some buttons that I knew nothing about before she gave me another friendly smile and walked out, leaving me alone with Dan.

I stepped closer to the bed and wrapped the duvet around him, being careful not to pull any of the wires that were attached to his chest. He was shivering slightly, so i figured he might be cold.

I sat down beside the bed and watched him as his chest slowly rose and fell. As time went on, it became more and more steady.

Sometimes I wished it were me lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to different machines so Dan didn't have to. I wished I could take away his pain and worries so he wouldn't have any. So he didn't have to come here every time he got a simple cold.

To him this wasn't just a simple cold. Nothing was _simple_ in his life. Everything was _something_ and sometimes it turned out to be something big and dangerous.

Because of his weak heart, he could die from this. He knew that. We all knew that.

I couldn't act like that that was an option, though, and that was why I decided to come here instead of go to school. Dan needed something not hospital-related, and I could give him that. Even though Dan said that he just wanted me to go to school and not worry about him, I knew he was thankful.

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"Can you come sit next to me?" I mumbled through the oxygen mask.

"I don't know, Dan. I think you should just concentrate on relaxing for a while," Phil responded, leaning towards me on his chair so he could get a proper look.

"Please..." I begged and took a few strenuous breaths. Phil always made everything better, so I wanted him here with me. "Please." I begged again and stared desperate at him.

Phil sighed deeply and rose from his chair before he sat back down on the edge of the bed and swung his feet up onto the mattress.

"I don't like sitting with you, you know. I'm afraid I'm going to pull one of those." My gaze followed his finger, which was pointing at my bare chest.

"What do you think that would happen if we did?" I asked with a little smile as I leaned back against the pillow. The bed has been lifted a little so I could sit up.

"Around 50 doctors will come rushing in," Phil said as he leaned back too. "That would be very stressful…" He smiled and turned to face me.

"Yeah…" I breathed out and moved a bit, giving Phil some more space.

"How are you feeling?" Phil asked in a whispering voice, turning fully around to lie on his side next to me.

"Better," I muttered. "Still really bad, but b-better…" I smiled shyly. My head was pounding so badly that just focusing on Phil's face was hard. My nose was blocked, so I had to wear this stupid oxygen mask instead of just hoses. My skin was burning from the fever and I was so tired. Being in hospital didn't help anything either. We were close if something happened with my heart, but I was so uncomfortable here. It made everything worse.

"You also slept for five hours."

"I did?" I asked, slightly surprised. I tried to lie on my side too without touching the wires. "What did you do all those hours?"

"Watched you? What else did you expect?"

"You could have been at school..." I muttered sadly. I felt bad for keeping him here. Of course it was his own choice, but I still felt bad.

"It's fine, Dan. Don't think about it," Phil assured me.

I nodded slowly in response.

"Did my mum call or something?" I asked quietly.

"Yes. But I told her I was here with you so she shouldn't worry." Phil smiled caringly, moving one hand to my forehead and brushing my curly hair out of my eyes.

"Yeah, okay..." I murmured. I closed my eyes into the touch and just enjoyed the feeling of him dragging his fingers through my hair.

"That's nice…" I whispered as I nuzzled into the pillow. "Please don't stop," I sleepily begged. This felt amazing. I almost forget where I was.

"I'll try not to." Even though my eyes were closed tightly together I could still hear he was smiling.

After a few minutes, Phil slowly moved his hand down to lightly rest on my cheek while his thumb was stroking across my skin. I was too relaxed and exhausted to question his actions before I felt a soft kiss being placed on my forehead. It made my breath get stuck in my throat and I stayed still as my whole body has frozen in surprise.

Being half asleep and half awake and with a high fever, this could possibly be a dream. A dream I didn't want to end, so I didn't move or even made a sound.

I didn't want it to be a dream, though. I wouldn't mind at all if this were real. I liked Phil. Of course I liked Phil. I also liked him more than I wanted to. But you can't deny feelings. I just had to look away from them. I couldn't let them take over. Phil wasn't just my friend; he was my lifesaver. It was forbidden, falling in love with your lifesaver. I was in perpetual debt towards him. And falling in love was an expensive price to pay for both of us if I was the only one feeling this way.

But maybe I wasn't…

Phil placed another kiss softly on my forehead. I kept lying still, allowing him to continue if he wanted.

I felt how he carefully grabbed around the mask and pulled it down. Before I got the chance to react, Phil gently pressed his lips against mine in a long, caring kiss.

Even through the fever, I felt my body heat up and my heartbeat rise slightly. This was definitely happening—I wasn't dreaming.

I uncertainly opened my eyes back up, one at a time, and my gaze met by Phil's icy blue eyes staring back at me.

"You'll get sick too," I muttered, not really knowing what to say.

"I just kissed you and you worry about me getting a cold?" Phil giggled shyly, making me blush.

"Yeah.. Was that stupid?" I asked, still confused from what just happened.

"No." Phil smiled widely and slowly lifted the mask back to cover my mouth and nose. "Just, strange..."

"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, taking a few deep breaths now that the air was clear again.

"Why didn't you protest?" he asked back.

"I liked it," I muttered. I shyly moved my glance away from him to avoid eye contact.

"Well I liked it too," Phil whispered back and lifted up my chin to force me to look at him. "And I kind of like you too…"

"Of course you like me. You're around me all the time. If you didn't, I guess this would be quite annoying…" I smiled nervously. Of course I liked him too, but I was too shy to say it directly to his face. But I guessed Phil already had figured that out.

"You're still annoying, though. That part doesn't change." Phil smiled back and gently ran his fingers across my cheek.

"So funny," I joked as I nudged his shoulder, making Phil giggle quietly.

We stayed in silence for a while; I didn't know how to react to this.

"Does this change things?" I asked, looking away from him.

"Do you want this to change things?"

"I don't know…" This was very confusing and scary. Phil was my friend. He would always be my friend, no matter what happened, but this would definitely change some things.

"I won't let anything change if you won't, Dan," Phil assured me.

"But I don't know..." I muttered and pulled the mask down. It was distracting my thoughts.

Phil lifted my head back up and locked his gaze with mine. "You don't have to know either. Let's just let things happen, slowly. Okay? You don't have to think about anything else besides feeling better at the moment. That's all you have to worry about right now. Nothing else."

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly in his hand.

"Promise me that?" He lowered his head a bit, making him look even more determinedly.

"Promise." I smiled shyly.

* * *

><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

"I'll follow him, don't worry," I hurriedly told Dan's mother as we stepped out of the room in which we'd just had a conversation with one of Dan's doctors about his condition.

"Thank you." She smiled sadly to me. "I think you'll do better with him anyway."

I nodded quickly and started running down the corridor. Dan hadn't got that far so it was easy to catch up.

"Dan, stop," I said as I grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop moving.

"Let go, p-please," he sobbed, pulling his arm back. "I don't want t-to t-talk."

"We won't talk then," I breathed. "We won't do anything."

Dan started shaking his head as he began walking backwards, stepping away from me. He tried desperately not to cry, but was slowly failing. I let out a deep breath and started following him, keeping a small distance because I wanted this to be in his own pace.

Dan stepped further away until his back hit the wall at the end of the corridor. He let himself slide down the wall and sat on the floor. I followed his lead and sat down in front of him, blocking the view from whoever was walking by behind us.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, hid his head behind them, and started crying properly into them.

I stayed still, just watching him.

"I'm dying, Phil," he quietly sobbed, his head still bowed.

"We're all dying, Dan…" I tried, and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"I-I'm just dying f-faster..."

"No you're not." But I knew my responses didn't have a chance in this kind of conversation. The only thing I could do was try to get his mind somewhere else.

"I am. You heard the d-doctor."

"I heard him. But no one said anything about dying." I pulled my hand back and sighed softly, letting him do things his way.

Dan lifted his head and glanced back at me with his red, puffy eyes. "They can't close it. They can't close it, Phil. Do you know what that means?" he cried while the tears flowed down his cheeks.

"Yes..." I whispered. After ten days in hospital because of his cold, the doctors decided to run Dan through a couple of tests and different scans to see if there were any changes. If it was possible to close the hole he has in his heart, they would have done it, but it was too risky.

Dan rested his head back down on his knees and started shaking a little while he kept on crying. I crawled over the floor, sat down close beside him, and wrapped on arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort him.

He didn't move so I guessed it was okay. I placed my head down on his on shoulder and held him close around his side.

"Nothing will happen," I whispered.

"H-how can you know that?" he cried without looking at me.

"I don't know. I just have a positive feeling that everything is going to be okay." The truth is that I was terrified and I feared for the future. But I couldn't let Dan know that. We couldn't both be feeling this way. This wasn't good news. It was not particularly bad news either. Considering the circumstances, Dan was still strong: his heart was still beating, everything was fine. Nothing had changed for the worse, but neither had anything changed for the better. His heart would get weaker as years passed by and that was what scared him. And me too.

"Give me your hand." I said, pulling my arm off of him.

He lifted his head from his knees and stared questioningly at me, but stretched out his arm. I turned around beside him, making it possible for me to get a full look of him. I grabbed his wrist and forced his legs down. He sniffed, surprised, but didn't protest.

"Feel this." I gently guided his hand to his chest, placing it right over his heart, and pressed his hand down. "Can you feel that?" I asked him.

He nodded slowly and dried his eyes with his free hand.

"Good." I smiled. "Now feel this." I pulled his hand away and pressed it against my own chest. "Feel that too?"

"Y-yes," he sniffed.

"Can you feel any difference from your heartbeat to mine?" I asked. I tangled his fingers with mine as I moved his hand away.

"No," he answered and shook his head.

"Look..." I reached my hand into my pocket and took out my iPhone, turned on the front camera, and looked into it. "Who has a heart condition?" I asked and nuzzled close enough so we both would fit on the screen, my head leaning against his,

"Me," Dan muttered.

"And how do you know?" I stared into his eyes through the camera.

"Well… I just know."

"If you didn't 'just know' then who would you say had one?"

He sighed deeply. "I don't know," he mumbled. My point was slowly sinking in.

"Exactly. What is happening in there—" I pointed back on his chest. "—has nothing to do with what is happening out here or in that," I assured him, and gently poking his forehead to show him what I was talking about.

"If no one knew, then how could they tell? If we live like nothing is wrong I'm sure it will help with the mental image. It's about how you see yourself, Dan. If you constantly see yourself as ill, nothing is going to help… and I know you're ill..." I stopped to take a deep breath. I hated talking about it. "It's not like I just forget about everything. It's just… Why think about it all the time when there are so many other amazing things that matter?" I stopped to make sure he could follow my explanation

"Your heart just has a hard time sometimes, Dan. But that doesn't mean you're dying," I whispered as I locked my gaze with his. "I don't think we can get rid of you that easily." I smiled widely and squeezed his hand.

"Maybe n-not…" he sobbed, forcing himself to smile.

"But you're allowed to leave this horrible place now. So how about we go out and find ourselves some hot chocolate and something to eat?" I asked and got ready to stand up.

"That sounds g-good."

"Great." I smiled and stood up from the floor before stretching out my hands, asking for him to grab them so I could help him up.

"No more crying, okay?" I whispered as I wiped the last tears away from his cheek with my thumb.

"Okay." He took a few deep breaths and nodded against my hand.

"Everything is going to be fine."

Dan nodded again before he lazily wrapped his arms around my body. He rested his chin down on my shoulder and held me close. I placed both my hands on his back and slowly rubbed them up and down for comfort.

"Thank you, Phil," he whispered and gave me a quick squeeze.

"No problem."

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><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	5. Chapter 5

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 5

**Summary about chapter 5:** (They're 17-18 years old) Dan can't sleep so Phil stays up and talks to him.

**Words: **2.175

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><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing…"

"How can you think of nothing?" I giggled quietly, slightly nervous and worried, just trying to lift the tense mood.

"That's easy," Dan answered simply, leaning his head back against the wall. I kept staring at him from the other end of the bed.

It was three in the morning on a Friday night and we were sitting on each end of his bed, both in our pyjamas. Dan was having one of those nights where sleep was the last thing on his mind, so we had been sitting there for a few hours, just doing nothing.

"Are you scared?" I asked, my voice low.

"No…" he replied weakly, without looking at me.

I watched him as he pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his forehead down on his knees instead. I knew he was uncomfortable. I knew him well enough to tell that even without talking to him.

"What is it, Dan?" I asked. I leaned forward on the bed, making it possible for me to lazily run my fingers through his hair.

But he didn't answer, just stayed curled up in a human ball opposite of me. I sighed softly and stopped my movements to give him some space and time, if that was what he needed. The poor lighting from his nightstand made shadows fall over Dan's body and mixed them with the darkness around us, making everything look quite frightening.

"I _am_ scared," he whispered, his voice breaking slightly. He was crying. My heart dropped and I felt the familiar empty feeling filling my stomach, like it always did whenever he felt bad.

"Of what?" I asked quietly, still staying a few feet away from him.

"I don't know, Phil," he mumbled into his knees. "Everything is just so… scary and c-confusing."

"Like what?" I needed to get him to talk so I'd know which way I would be able to make it better.

"You."

"Me?" But I knew what he was talking about. He was referring to the kiss. We hadn't really talked about it before now. He'd had to stay at the hospital for another ten days, so there wasn't enough space in his head to have thoughts about me or the kiss. And then we got the news from his doctor. That didn't help with anything, so I understood why Dan was feeling this way.

I began to question if it was such a good idea exposing my feelings after all. But I couldn't resist the temptation. Him lying there on the white bed beside me, nearly asleep, with his hair falling perfectly over his eyes… Everything about that moment was perfect to me. If he hadn't been in hospital, it would have been even more perfect.

"Are you questioning anything?" I asked and moved a little closer. "You know what I mean…"

"N-no I'm not," he sobbed. "I know what I want."

"Then why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad, Phil. Just… f-frustrated."

I sighed quietly and crawled across the mattress to sit on my knees right in front of him. Being as gentle as I possibly could, I lifted his head from his knees.

"Don't cry," I whispered, and wiped a few tears away from his cheek with my sleeve. I hated seeing him cry. I felt guilty, even though it wasn't my fault. My job was to make him feel better, not this.

"I'm sorry," he sniffed, quickly moving his head away from me to wipe the rest of the tears away with the back of his hand.

"Don't be sorry." I smiled and grabbed a hold of his wrist, making him stop his movements so that he could look at me. "It's okay to be sad," I assured him. "Nothing to feel bad about."

He nodded slowly in response and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

"Nothing has changed, Dan. I promise you. I don't look at you different in any way. You're still my best and only friend and we can just let it stay like that."

"No," Dan sniffed. "It's not how I w-want i-it. I'm just scared you're gonna leave m-me…"

"Why should I leave you?" I asked, surprised. He didn't answer right away, just stayed sitting against the wall, looking at me in silence.

"Why don't you treat me like I'm ill, Phil?" Dan asked back without answering my question. He looked into my eyes, suddenly more serious.

"Why should I?" I sat down properly, tilted my head slightly to the side, and wrinkled my forehead at him.

"Everyone else always does. But you never do. Not even the first time we met."

"I don't see you as ill," I answered simply while shaking my head a little.

"Then how do you see m-me?" he asked, nervously sniffing a couple of times.

I took a deep breath and carefully looked him over. I saw the same Dan as I always saw. Amazingly deep brown eyes, matching his dark brown hair. His marked cheekbones and jaw line. His perfect white skin, matching mine…

"I see a beautiful boy sitting in front of me," I started with a smile. "I see a person who is scared about the future, but who doesn't let anything come between him and life's struggles even though things can get hard. I see a strong person, who I care about very much and I've agreed to not let anything bad happen to him no matter what…" I paused quickly and locked my eyes with his red, puffy ones. "I see someone who is fighting a lot, but chooses his battles carefully. I see a winner. I see someone who doesn't just give up if things get difficult. A person who puts others first, even though he shouldn't." I smiled. "I see a person with a lovely personality and whose way to make others smile is incredible. I see an amazing actor who has a long and wonderful life in front of him with a lot of opportunities. "

Dan's face lit up a little in the dark room and a grateful smile spread across his face as he blinked at me.

"What do you see when I'm in hospital?" he muttered.

"The same as I just told you. It doesn't matter where you are, Dan. I'll always see the same things," I assured him. "Always.."

He nodded slowly.

"What do you see?" I asked him after a few minutes of silence.

He turned a light shade of red as he looked down and nervously started playing with the end of his shirt.

"I see a warrior…" he began quietly. "Who has given up on a lot of things through the past years so he could sit here tonight. I see a person who I would jump in front of a car for. A person I owe everything. Someone I can trust and rely on, someone I'm comfortable around…" He slowly lifted his head and glanced on me, his eyes slightly more glassy than before. "A person who makes me forget about the hard times, but makes me remember the good." He paused and breathed heavily.

"A person I can see a future with without questioning or doubting anything…" he continued. I felt how my heartbeat rose and my body started to heat up. A lump was forming in my throat, which made it hard to keep my breathing steady.

"Someone who makes me feel safe…" I watched as a few lonely tears ran down his cheek. "And loved. And normal…"

It became harder to understand him as he kept talking. I stayed silent, just listening to what he had to say and trying my best to not give in to the indescribable urge to blink, as I was sure a few tears would leave my eyes too.

"You protect me and I can't thank you enough. I don't even know how to thank you…" He smiled and allowed the tears to fall.

"You don't have to thank me, Dan," I whispered, doing my best to control my voice.

"I do. I really do." He nodded while he said it and untangled his legs from his arms.

"No, you don't…" I tried, my voice low and husky.

"I'll give you a-anything," he sobbed and stretched out his legs.

"Well, you can give me that duvet. I'm quite tired." I smiled and tried my best to get him away from this subject. I didn't like talking about this anymore. He didn't owe me anything—his friendship was enough. More than enough.

Dan let out a laugh and dried his cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie. "Yeah, sleep would be good," he sniffed as he glanced at me, the same thankful way as he always did.

I move around on the bed and got ready to leave it just before Dan grabbed my wrist.

"Can you stay up here?" he asked nervously, with an unsteady voice. "Please."

"Of course," I replied immediately, crawling across the bed. We both lay down and I threw the duvet around us.

"How do you do it?" Dan asked. He turned around on the pillow so we were facing each other.

"Do what?"

"This whole, talking thing?" he sniffed and slowly rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I don't know. It's just… well, I don't know." I smiled and moved my hand to Dan's cheek, stroking my fingers across the damp skin.

"I like your talking. It helps…" he mumbled while looking at me.

"I'm glad." I let my fingers travel to his hair and ran them through it, lazily playing with his brown locks.

Dan breathed heavily into my face and leaned closer. I knew what he was trying to do and I didn't have any intention of stopping him, so I closed my eyes right before I felt Dan's soft lips being carefully placed on mine. I could feel how his whole body was tense and unsure, but he soon relaxed into the kiss.

Dan softly bit into my lower lip, asking for permission. I parted my lips and let his tongue slip inside, making our tongues and lips dance together. This was all I had ever dreamt about and I couldn't believe this was Dan's first _real_ kiss—he was incredible. I was sure my heart skipped a beat, making me feel light-headed. Everything about this felt right.

I slipped my hand underneath our duvet and around him to touch his back, making it possible for me to pull him a little closer to my body.

My fingers were tangled in his hair and our lips moved in sync. I couldn't help but smile a little into the kiss. This was actually happening and it was perfect. Dan was lying right here beside me, kissing me. I couldn't speak for him, but it was like all the worries got washed away and it was only us—no one else. I wouldn't mind staying here forever.

Dan pulled back for air and I opened my eyes back up.

"How do I tell my parents this?" he asked, with slight fear in his voice.

"The same way as you would tell them that the sun rises in the morning. This isn't in any way different from that, okay?" I assured him, lowering my voice to make my point clear. This wasn't something that should scare him or make him uncomfortable. This should make him feel good like it made me feel good. Nothing should scare him.

"Being gay is perfectly fine, Dan." I smiled caringly towards him.

"Yes." He smiled back and took a deep breath.

I pulled my arm back from around him and stayed staring into his eyes.

"And now I think we should get some sleep or else I'll be crying blood tomorrow," I joked as I nuzzled into the small bed.

Dan moved around beside me, making it so that he was almost lying on top of me.

"Hope you don't mind," he whispered into my shirt.

"I don't," I whispered back. Making sure the duvet was covering us both, I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and nuzzled him even closer.

"What does this make us?" Dan mumbled into my chest.

"What do you want this to make us?" I responded sleepily while my hand automatically moved up and down on his back, trying to make him relax.

"I don't know," he sighed.

"We don't have to be boyfriends just because we kissed, Dan. Let's just let things happen. No need to rush anything. I'm still your best friend," I assured him.

"Yeah.."

"Do you want to tell your parents?" I asked in a low voice.

"Can we wait with that? Only for a while? I want this to be just us.." Dan replied. I could hear he was slowly drifting off.

"That's fine. Just us sounds pretty okay to me." I answered and smiled to myself.

"P-perfect.." Dan yawned and squeezed my upper body.

"Goodnight."

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><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	6. Chapter 6

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 6

**Summary about chapter 6:** (They're 17-18 years old) Phil has something important to tell Dan and he's scared about how it will change the future.

**A/N:** This is kind of a 'fill-out-because-bigger-things-is-about-to-happen' chapter.

**Words: **4.812

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><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"There's something I have to talk to you about, Dan," Phil said, his voice suddenly more serious.

"What?" I asked nervously, opening my eyes back up. The sun was shining brightly, obscuring my vision slightly.

Phil only sighed in response and sat up beside me. I also sat up from the ground and looked questioningly at him, my nervousness increasing by the second due to his tone.

"I have to move," he breathed out.

"You what?" I asked, not sure if I even heard what he'd said.

"I have to move. After Sixth Form is over. And after your 18th birthday, of course," Phil whispered apologetically.

"But..." It felt like my whole world was grinding to a halt. Every noise sounded surreal, and suddenly Phil seemed very far away.

"Remember why I moved here all those years ago?"

"Your dad got a new job…" I breathed out desperately.

"Yeah. But now he has to go back, so we're moving again," Phil whispered carefully. I could tell he was attempting to calm me down, but it wasn't working. I'd already started panicking as thoughts flew around inside my head. He couldn't move away; he just couldn't.

"No!" I found myself crying out, rushing to stand.

"Dan. Please sit back down," Phil tired.

I didn't listen, just violently shook my head and started walking backwards. My heart rate rose slightly as I felt panic fill my body.

"Dan. Sit down," Phil repeated in a calm voice.

I stepped further away from him. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to run away—just run until my heart would give up. Phil couldn't move—what would I do then?

Tears filled my eyes and blurred my vision slightly as I kept backing away from him.

Phil sighed deeply before he also rose from the ground. "Calm down, Dan," he whispered as he followed me across the grass.

My heart rate increased along with my breathing as panic started shaking my body. "You can't," I cried quietly, continuing to move away. "W-what about m-me?" I sobbed desperately. My breath caught in my throat as I did my best not to cry.

Phil quickly grabbed my arm, forcing me to stop moving. His touch usually calmed me down, but this time _he_ was the reason I was reacting like this. Now it just felt uncomfortable.

"I've been thinking about something. But I don't think I'm ready to carry that responsibility," Phil said in a low voice. "And I don't think you're ready…" He sighed.

"What? W-what have you thought about?" I sobbed. I tried to pull my arm back from his grip, but failed.

"I'm going to live by myself up in Manchester because I got a job in the city. You could come with me, but—"

"Yes," I hurriedly interrupted.

"Dan." Phil lowered his head and stared deeply into my eyes. "Your condition and—"

"What about it?" I quickly dried my eyes with the back of my free hand. "What about my c-condition?" I said determinedly.

"It's just—"

"You've always taught me to believe in myself, Phil. Illness or not. Nothing should come in my way. I can do what I w-want. I wanna move in with you."

"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about, Dan. I'm talking about… me." He paused. "I would be the one looking after you all the time—making sure you get to the hospital, making sure you take your mediation… everything. I just don't know if I'm ready. If you're ready. You'd have to move far away from your family. You're going to be at a new hospital with new doctors," Phil explained, still holding my arm so I couldn't move away.

"Manchester has a better heart department. I've been there, it'll be f-fine," I tried. I was 18; I could look after myself. Phil didn't have to. I just couldn't live without him.

He sighed. "Let's be realistic here…"

"It is realistic, Phil! I wanna go with you. Please," I begged.

"Dan…"

"I can get a job too. It'll be fine. I—"

"I'm scared, okay?!" Phil burst out. He let go of my arm and swung his in the air, frustrated. "I'm scared I can't do a good enough job! I'm scared something is going to happen to you and when I'm not there! I'm scared I can't take care of you! I just don't know if I'm ready…" He whispered the last few words. "And it's killing me, Dan. I can't leave you—you're my best friend. I'm just—" He locked his gaze with mine, "—scared."

"Well I'm not. For the first time in my life, I'm not scared, Phil. But I won't be your burden, so I understand," I said in the calmest voice I could muster. "But if you leave, I will be scared. I'll be terrified all the time. You've done so many good things for me. You've made me see the world in a whole new, _bright_ way. Things I've only ever dreamt about came true when you stepped into my life. Trusting you doesn't scare _me_."

"Let me think about it, okay?" he mumbled. "I'll think about it. It's just a big responsibility..."

I nodded in response. I knew it was. And it wasn't fair, forcing him to take me with him. But the thought of him not being there when I needed him was killing me.

"I'm not even sure your mum will let you leave." Phil smiled calmly and took a step closer. "But I have to admit that waking up to your pretty face everyday sounds tempting." He smirked and gently wiped the last tear off my cheek, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

I sniffed shyly, blushing. "You're already looking at my pretty face everyday."

"Not in the morning—" Phil stepped as close as possible and rested his forehead on mine, "—when your hair's all curly."

"You like the curls?" I sniffed, smiling.

Phil sighed, and I felt his arms wrap around me as we stood close together in the middle of the park, the sun heating up our bodies. "I like everything about you…"

* * *

><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

I was walking through town by myself, on my way to meet Dan's mum. We had planned to meet up without Dan knowing. I wanted to talk to her about this whole situation.

I could easily see a future with Dan. It didn't even have to be in a relationship; our friendship was so unique and I felt so bad for just leaving. But I also wanted to be close to my family, so I was torn between the two most important things in my life.

Taking Dan with me so we could live together would both be a dream and a nightmare come true. I would get the chance to be around the person I valued above anything else, but at the same time, his condition would be showing every day. I had always tried to push it away—not thinking about it that much and just focus on the good things in our lives.

But now _I_ would be the one who had to take him to his appointments at the hospital. _I _would be the one who had to stay up with him whenever he had a bad night. _I_ would have to stay home with him if something wasn't right.

I would have to do everything and I just didn't know if I was ready. I would have another job to do too, not just looking after Dan.

"Hey." I smiled to Mrs. Howell when I entered her office.

"Hey, Phil. Take a seat, please," she offered, and pointed at a chair opposite her desk.

I nodded thankfully as I sat down. "I don't know if Dan told you," I started, "but I'm moving back to Manchester." I sighed and looked sadly at her.

"No, he hasn't. I'm sorry to hear that, Phil. How come?" she asked nervously. I knew I was like a third son to her, and like a seventh doctor to Dan. Moving away would not just be a loss to Dan, but to his whole family.

"My family is moving back. And I've just got a perfect job and apartment there…" I mumbled. "But what I'm here to talk about is Dan."

"What about him?" she asked, leaning a little over her desk.

"He wants to go with me..." I breathed out and gazed down on my hands. "He wants to come live with me in Manchester. It's just—"

"He what?" Mrs. Howell interrupted, surprised.

I looked back up at her. "He wants to travel with me. And I don't know how to tell him that he can't…" I paused.

"What do you want to do?" she asked.

"I want him to come with me, I really do. But, you know, his heart... I don't know if I can handle everything. I don't know if he can handle everything..."

"If anyone can look after him properly, it's you, Phil. I trust you more than I trust the doctors. You almost know more about him and his condition than I do." She smiled caringly. "But it is a big decision."

"Yes it is," I whispered.

"You're only 18 years old. May I ask why you're going to live by yourself?"

"My parents are going to live a little outside of Manchester and I'm going to work in the city, so I found a cheap apartment that I can easily afford," I explained.

"Are you going to start University?" she asked calmly.

"Maybe next year. I'll just wait and see how things play out." I smiled.

"Okay," she breathed out, leaning back in the chair. "Okay. You see, I never thought Dan would be able to have anything this close to a normal life. His father and I have always tried, but it was only after you two met that things really started coming together. He'd never had any friends really, because he couldn't do anything. But you just… deal with it." She smiled. "You took him places when we couldn't and I felt one hundred percent comfortable sending him anywhere with you. I still do. You've brought so many good things into his life."

I nodded along with her explanation, blushing slightly.

"So maybe this isn't such a bad idea."

I froze in my chair, not really sure I'd heard right. "What?"

"I really don't believe he's ready to move out yet, no. But when will he be? His condition isn't just something that will disappear. I want him to move out of the house eventually, of course I do. So that he can try to have a normal life and be independent. He could get a wonderful start with you, I'm not doubting that for one second, Phil."

"Yeah…" I nodded. I was a little shocked. I thought she would reject it right away.

"But it's all up to you. Because, like you said yourself, he's going to be your responsibility."

"Yeah, I know…" I took a deep breath.

"I won't pressure you at all. If you don't want to, it's totally okay, really. I'll talk to him and explain it." She smiled.

"I'll think about it. I want to get my exams out of the way first, but I'll definitely think about it," I assured her, nodding eagerly.

"Take as long as you like."

I walked out of there with mixed feelings. Dan and I could move in together—be living together—but I was so nervous. It wasn't just living with Dan. He'd have to move far away from his parents and I would have to stand in as his parent and take full responsibility for him.

I was allowed to say no of course. This was all up to me now.

* * *

><p>"I'm ready to tell them," Dan mumbled as he buttoned his shirt.<p>

"You sure?" I asked a little nervously, not really sure what he was talking about, although I had an idea.

"Positive. If you're going to move, I want to tell them."

"You don't have to." I rose from his bed and stepped towards him.

"It's been almost five mouths. I'm sure." He turned around to face me.

"Dan…"

"On my birthday. That's when I'll tell them."

I sighed softly and stepped closed the distance between us. "If you say so." I smiled, resting my forehead on his. I hadn't told him that his mum had agreed to let him move in with me because I still wasn't sure about it.

Together with all of the exams the past month, I'd had enough on my mind. Dan had too, because he had to skip a few classes to go visit the hospital, so we hadn't talked about it since we were in the park and I told him I was moving.

"I can't believe my mum's letting me go to this party," Dan whispered nervously at me.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly. "That's because I'm there to look after you," I whispered back.

"So this is going to be my first party ever, and my last party ever?" he joked with a smirk. But I could see he was hurt. If I was going to move away from him, he couldn't go anywhere.

"Maybe." I smiled before I gently pressed my lips against his. "Maybe not."

"You know what will happen when you aren't around, Phil. I'm going to stay in my room until I die, just waiting for you to come back..." he murmured as he moved his gaze to our feet on the floor.

"How about we don't talk about this tonight and just have a good time? We just finished school, Dan! You even got better grades than me, so how can you stand here being sad?" I said cheerily as I released him.

"Yeah, that was kind of a miracle." He smiled shyly at the floor.

"So no more of this, okay?" I tried. I knew exactly what would happen if I wasn't around anymore, and that was one of the main reasons why I really wanted him to come with me. He would get a chance to have something close to a real life with me and I wanted it so badly for him. I just had to be a hundred percent sure so I wouldn't disappoint him in case I changed my mind.

"No..." He lifted up his head and looked at me. "I'll try not to think about it."

I smiled. "Great."

We were interrupted by a low knock on the door and we both turned around.

"Ready boys?" Dan's mum asked us both, glancing from me to Dan.

"Yes." I smiled to her.

"Okay, I'll wait downstairs." She turned around to walk back out, leaving me and Dan alone again.

"How do I look?" he asked as he stepped in front of me. "And be honest."

"Beautiful." I assured, looking him over one more time.

"Sure? Should I wear the other shirt instead?" Dan asked.

"No. This one is just perfect."

"Final answer?" he asked again.

"Yes!" I groaned, but it was with a smile. "You're absolutely perfect like this," I told him, making him blush slightly.

* * *

><p>"I'm nervous…"<p>

"Nervous about what?"

"I don't know. It's just… I never thought I would make it this far," Dan muttered, moving his gaze to the ground.

"What do you mean?" I asked, a little confused. I lifted his head up so he could look at me.

"Like, finish school. I didn't believe I would make it..." he whispered into my hand.

I let go of him and sighed sadly. "But you did, Dan. Nothing to be nervous about." I smiled caringly. "Let's go in?" I said, but made it sound like a question. We wouldn't if Dan didn't want to.

"Just don't leave me," he whispered nervously. He didn't have many friends, so going to a party with a lot of people was not something he was totally comfortable with.

"I promise." I smiled and stretched out my hand, inviting him to grab it so we could go in together.

Once we were inside, I asked into his ear, "What do you want to drink?"

"My mum said no drinking?" he answered, confused.

"I know!" I grinned. "What kind of soda do you want?"

"Oh. Coke?"

"Sure." I took one of the cans from the table and filled a glass. "If someone asks, just say it's rum and coke. Then no one will pressure you to drink anything or ask why you aren't, okay?" I said as I handed it to him. I knew people, and they wouldn't take no as an answer if they were drunk themselves. They wouldn't understand and then Dan would have to explain his situation. Of course they knew he had a heart condition, but I knew he didn't like talking about it, so I made sure he didn't have to when it could be avoided.

He nodded eagerly and mouthed a 'thank you'. I gave his upper arm a quick squeeze and pointed in the other direction towards a table where some of our classmates were sitting.

**Dan -**

We sat down around the table. I tried my best to keep as small as possible, not wanting to get too into the conversation. I wasn't used to socializing. I didn't know anyone besides Phil and the people at the theater I worked at every now and then.

Even though I wasn't really talking, I was still enjoying myself. It was actually good being out for once. I had never been to a party before, so it was all new and interesting to me.

Me and Phil were a little late, so a few people were already kind of drunk. It was fun to watch. I knew Phil had been to parties without me before and gotten drunk; he had told me about it.

I wouldn't mind him getting drunk tonight. I'd like to see that actually—maybe it would be fun. But he had promised my mum that he wouldn't so that he could look after me. I was glad he'd agreed of course, so I could come, but also a little sad on his behalf. It was the last party of the year and after this everyone would have to spilt up and start working or start at new, far away universities. He should be enjoying himself, not babysitting me.

"You okay?" Phil asked me over the music.

"Yeah," I assured him, nodding. "Everything is fine." I smiled widely.

"Great," Phil whispered happily before turning back to the conversation. I stayed silent, just listening.

I would lie if I said I didn't want to try drinking. Not that it was something I really needed, but I still wanted to try. At least just taste something like a normal person. I felt kind of like a child, even though I knew there was no reason to. I knew I didn't _have to_ drink to be a part of the party. But when you're almost 18 and you're not drinking, you feel a little left out.

"Need another?" the guy next to me suddenly asked, pushing me out of my trance.

"Ehh, yes?" I rushed, without really thinking. I was so shocked by the sudden voice that 'yes' was the only answer on my mind. I regretted my choice of words immediately when I realised he wouldn't be bringing me another soda.

"I'm getting a new one myself, so I can bring you one too." He smiled, and before I got the chance to protest, he was gone.

I sighed softly, for only myself to hear. Now I had to drink whatever he brought back or else it would be rude.

"What's your name?" the guy asked me as he sat down, handing me the drink.

"Dan." I gave him a friendly smile and took the cup from him.

"Sam." The boy smiled back and stretched out his hand. I gently shook it while taking a small sip of the drink he just brought me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, so I took another sip.

"Nice to meet you, Dan."

"You too." I smiled widely. I was at a party, talking to people. People besides Phil. I hadn't tried anything like that before and it felt quite nice.

"I really shouldn't." I smiled politely and pushed the cup across the table. Me and Sam had been talking for a few hours and Phil had moved to sit on the other side of the table so he could talk to some of the others.

"Come on. It's not that strong." He smiled and pushed the cup back in front of me. If Phil found out about this he would kill me. Or my mum would kill him. Phil hadn't paid attention to me for the past hour besides exchanging smiles every now and then.

Sam was really nice and we were having a great time just talking and laughing, but I was so bad at saying no. He had been giving me drinks every time I finished one and my world was starting to spin around. It was a whole new feeling to me, and then again, it wasn't. Being dizzy was not new to me at all.

"Yeah, but I really shouldn't," I tried.

But his pouting made me give in. I didn't want to be the weird one anymore; I took up the glass and quickly downed the liquid.

This wouldn't be good for anything. I could feel my heart rate raising as the alcohol flowed through my bloodstream.

"I'm just going to use the toilet," I told Sam, and slowly rose to standing. I unsteadily grabbed a hold of the chair for support and started walking out.

My elevated heart rate was making me feel really nauseous and light-headed. The whole journey towards the toilet was a blur.

I stepped into the toilet and quickly locked the door behind me. I let myself slide down the inside of the door to rest against it and closed my eyes, trying my best to get my body under control. Staying completely still helped a little with the tightening feeling in my chest.

"Has anyone seen Dan? You know, the brown-haired boy I came with?" I heard Phil ask some of the people outside the door.

"I think he's inside there, throwing up or something. It's been a while," someone answered him. I stayed still. My heartbeat was finally under control, leaving me breathless and tired, sitting against the door, not daring to move too much.

"He's what?" I head Phil cry.

"I don't know. I saw him walk in and he didn't come out again."

"Dan?" Phil asked while knocking firmly on the door. "If you're in there, open up. And now, please."

I really didn't have the energy to move, but I had to or else he would probably kick the door down and I was sitting right behind it.

I stretched my arm up and turn the key around. Phil started pushing the door in, but my whole weight was leaning against it.

"Dan?" he asked, concerned, and pushed the door harder, making me slide across the floor. "What are you doing?"

I wanted to answer him, but the sudden movements had made the contents in my stomach turn around and a rising feeling filled my throat. That combined with the pounding in my chest made me really not feel well.

I quickly moved over the floor to sit in front of the toilet. I heard the door being slammed hard behind me before I felt Phil's warm hand on my forehead, supporting me above the bowl.

"What have you been doing?" Phil muttered in a low tone as he sat down on his knees behind me.

But before I got the chance to answer him, I got violently sick into the toilet. I pulled a face because of the taste and smell. This was disgusting and I felt sorry for Phil, who had to watch.

"Wait... Have you been drinking?" he asked, his tone a mix of surprised and worried.

I nodded unsteadily against his hand and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm my breathing. No chance I could hide it now.

He stuck two fingers to the side of my neck and pressed down to feel my pulse.

"Does it hurt?" he asked, nudging me a bit to get my attention. "I don't like this. I'm going to call your parents, Dan. I—"

"Please don't," I interrupted. "I'll be fine," I slurred and spat into the bowl again. Phil sighed deeply, untangled some paper from the toilet roll on the wall, and wiped my mouth clean before made me sit against the wall so he could get a proper look at me.

"I'm not even that drunk..." I assured him, trying to focus on his face through my blurred vision. "It just started beating so fast and it got really uncomfortable. And made me feel sick." I closed my eyes tightly together, not wanting to see Phil's reaction.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Phil exclaimed.

"Please don't be mad..." I begged, still not looking at him.

"I'm not, I'm just…" he paused. "Nervous."

"I just wanted to try, Phil. And you weren't looking, so…" This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't even allowed to drink. I let myself get carried away by the circumstances. But I guess it was fun as long as it lasted.

"Just how stupid are you?" Phil breathed out heavily and nudged my knee to get me to open my eyes. "Huh?"

My eyes met his concerned, slightly angry gaze. "I'm sorry…" I breathed out.

"Well, that's too late now, isn't it?"

I nodded slowly and rested my forehead down on my knees. "Yes," I mumbled.

We both sat there silently for a few minutes. "Let's go outside," Phil said quietly once we'd both calmed down a bit.

I lifted my head and nodded at him, trying to give him an innocent look to make sure he knew I was sorry. Even though I was supposed to be his responsibility while we were out, it was entirely my own fault.

"Let me help you up." Phil stretched out his hands, inviting me to grab them. I did, and he carefully lifted me off of the floor. "Drink some water," he advised.

"Can you walk yourself?" Phil asked once we were about to leave the toilet.

"Yeah," I assured him as I unlocked the door. "It'll be fine."

We started walked through the crowd to get outside. I kept my head bowed, not wanting to look at anyone. Phil was keeping a hand on my shoulder so we wouldn't get separated.

"Where are you going?" Phil asked from behind me. I just kept walking. A lot of people were standing outside the building and I didn't want any questions, so I kept moving. "Dan?"

Phil gave up on getting an answer and just followed me.

"I'll just lay here," I mumbled. I slumped onto the grass behind the building in which the party was being held.

"You'll just lay there?" he asked, confused. He looked down at me.

"Yeah. Here is fine." I closed my eyes and leaned back on the ground. I was exhausted and wanted some peace from everything.

"Dan..."

"Phil." I opened one eye and glanced up on him. I didn't know if he could see, as it was quite dark. "What?"

"How drunk are you?"

"Not enough," I muttered. Stretching my arms out on the grass, I buried my fingers in the cold straws.

I heard Phil lay down beside me. He grabbed my right hand and tangled his fingers with mine, making me smile widely through the dark.

"Please don't tell my parents," I whispered shyly.

"Are you sure you're okay? No pain or anything?" he asked in a serious tone.

"No. Just a little dizzy and nauseous. And tired."

"I won't then. But only if you promise me it's the last time, Dan. I got so worried when you were missing. If you were feeling bad, you should have told me. Even though you'd been drinking without permission. You can't just walk off like that."

"No. I'm sorry." I opened my eyes back up and stared into the sky above us. All the stars were out.

"But I won't tell. Because maybe your mum will withdraw her permission."

"Her permission for what?" I asked, confused, not having a clue about what he was referring to. I turned my head slightly to look at him through the dark. I could only just see the outline of his face.

"You're coming with me to Manchester."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	7. Chapter 7

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 7

**Summary about chapter 7:** (They're 18 years old) Dan and Phil are finally moving to Manchester. But it's not the start they were hoping for.

**Words: **4.127

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"I'm gay," I breathed out without warning.

The sudden information made my dad drop his knife onto the table and my brother's jaw hang open in surprise. My heart rate increased slightly. This wasn't the start I was expecting. But then again, I didn't have a clue what I'd been expecting would happen.

I felt Phil's eyes glued on me, and I slowly moved my gaze to my plate. Phil knew this was the day I'd decided to tell them: my 18th birthday. Not the quite how I'd envisioned, but when is the right moment to come out anyway?

I sighed deeply and lifted up my head. Everyone just sat there, frozen, staring back at me.

"I just thought you might like to know in case it became important some day," I said determinedly. I gave an anxious smile as I moved my gaze from my mum and back to my dad, who was sitting opposite me. My eyes landed on Phil and he responded with a big, caring smile.

I hadn't talked to Phil about announcing this. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them just yet, and Phil always gave the same answer, so it wouldn't make any difference.

"Whatever makes you happy, Dan," my mum ventured, her lips forming a wide smile.

It was like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe normally. Of course I knew they would love me no matter what, but there was always a chance such an announcement wouldn't be appreciated. Although even if they'd reacted differently, I'd be moving out later this day anyway.

"It does. It really does." I smiled back and sat up properly.

"If that's want you want, then there's nothing to worry about," my dad continued as he picked his knife back up.

"Thanks." I inhaled a deep breath and took another bite of my food. Now that that was out of the way, we could continue as normal.

I glanced around at them all, my gaze ending on my brother. He just mumbled an "okay" and started eating again, clearly not caring what I was saying. I rolled my eyes at him and looked away.

I felt Phil lean closer to my side. "I'm proud of you," he whispered quietly, making me smile even wider.

I was proud of me too. It'd taken me months to be this brave, which was stupid because it should be normal. You shouldn't have to build up the confidence to confront your own parents about something like this.

My mum had caught Phil's actions and now looked questioningly at us, like she was expecting me to say more. But I couldn't tell her Phil was my boyfriend—even though I knew that was what she was fishing for—because he wasn't _really _my boyfriend. Phil was my friend.

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession; friendship is never anything but sharing.

We had an independent relationship. We could be whatever we wanted to be, in our own way, and that wasn't for anyone to question. Not even my mum. And I liked it this way.

I looked her in the eyes. "What?" I asked.

She grinned. "Nothing I guess."

* * *

><p>"That went well," I breathed in relief once we were outside the restaurant.<p>

"Of course it did, Dan!" Phil smiled and nudged my shoulder with his. "Feeling better now?"

"Much," I muttered happily, slowing down my pace a little. Phil automatically slowed down too.

"You okay?" he asked me, and stopped walking.

"Yeah. I'm just tired." I smiled and dragged him with me along the pavement. "Don't worry." It'd already been a long day and it was hard to keep up with everything.

"We're driving in a few hours. You can take a nap before we leave."

"I'm not sleeping my birthday away, Philip. I'll be fine," I assured him. "I want to stay awake for this. It's not every day you're turning 18." I let go of Phil's wrist once I was sure he was following.

"You can sleep in the car then."

"Yes, yes. Whatever you say," I joked. But this wasn't just normal tiredness; it was pure exhaustion. I usually wasn't stubborn about my condition—I was open about it because it scared me. My mum had always taught me not to be hide things, so I didn't. But this had started only a couple of days ago. Nothing was hurting; I was just tired.

I didn't want to be a burden, especially since we had to move today. There was no time for hospitals or doctors and I knew Phil was uncomfortable enough about taking me with him in the first place. I wouldn't make it worse when we were so close to the moving. When everything had slowed down again, I could tell him.

"Are you driving?" I asked.

"Yes I am! And there's still time to change your mind," Phil joked.

"Even if you were to drag me in a wagon behind a bike all the way to Manchester, I wouldn't say no." I smiled shyly and looked to my side.

Phil smiled back and swung one arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. "Your present is waiting in the apartment."

"You didn't have to get me anything, Phil. You know that," I muttered.

"I know," he answered simply and gave me a quick squeeze.

* * *

><p>"Was that it?"<p>

"That was it. Everything's in the car." I smiled and stepped right in front of my mum.

"I'm going to miss you so much…" she breathed out, pulling me into a tight hug which almost squeezed all the air out of me.

"No you won't." I grinned and wrapped my arms around her, burying my head into her shoulder. This was it—it was actually happening. I was about to drive to Manchester, towards my new apartment, in which I was going to live in alone with my friend. The thought was scaring me more than I wanted to admit.

She slowly released me and gave my cheek a quick kiss, making me smile widely.

"And Phil…" She turned to Phil and opened her arms back up, asking for a hug.

I smiled at them and turned my attention to my dad, who was standing beside me.

"I'm proud of you, Dan," he whispered to me. "And I'm sure you'll do great."

"Thank you," I muttered, while blushing slightly. This was just as big of a surprise to my parents as it was to me. If you'd asked me five years ago how my future would look, I would probably have answered, "what future?". But now it was completely different. I knew I had a future: with Phil. And it was making me happier than I'd ever been.

"Let's get driving!" Phil announced, clapping his hands together to indicate it was time.

I nodded eagerly and picked up the small suitcase in front of me, which stored all of my medication. I had enough drugs to kill a dead man, so we had to be careful where we put it.

"Let me take that," Phil offered and held out his hand.

"Thanks." I smiled and handed it to him before we started walking towards the car.

I opened the car door and hesitantly looked back at my parents, but they were just waving kindly.

"Goodbye!" I yelled as I got into the car.

Phil got in beside me, started the car and slowly drove down the road, first past my parents and my old house, then past Phil's old house.

I couldn't help but smile widely. I had successfully closed a chapter of my life. The best way to predict the future is to create it yourself, and I was ready to do that.

* * *

><p>"Dan?" I heard someone ask. "Dan?"<p>

I opened my eyes, confused, and blinked straight ahead. "Hmm?" I mumbled as I let my eyes close together again. I was too exhausted to keep them open.

Phil gently placed a hand on my shoulder to get my attention. "It's six p.m., Dan. You have to wake up."

"Please don't make me," I begged. I turned around in the uncomfortable car seat to face the other way.

"I'm sorry." Phil pulled his hand back from me and I heard him searching around in my stuff on the back seat. "I just want you to take these."

I opened my eyes to look at him. He was holding out a box of pills with all the days of the week on it. It was bigger than a normal box so that all of the pills could fit into it, both the ones I was meant to take in the morning and in the evening.

Just the sight of them was making me feel sick to my stomach, but there was no way I could get around this point of the day.

"I thought we could go get a burger or something." He pointed out of the window behind me and my gaze followed his finger. We'd parked at a freeway restaurant.

"Yeah," I answered simply as I rubbed the last bit of sleep out of my eyes. "How far are we?" I asked, sitting up properly.

"About an hour left I guess." Phil took a few seconds to look me over carefully while wrinkling his forehead slightly. "Let's go in?"

I nodded in response, unbuckled my seatbelt, and opened the door to get out.

Once we were inside, I walked past Phil to find a table. "Just get me the same as you," I murmured to him.

Phil came back a few minutes later holding out two plates. I wasn't that hungry really, but I had to at least eat something with the pills.

He placed the plate in front of me and sat down. "Dan."

"Huh?" I breathed as I opened the small box.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, looking me in the eyes. He stared serious back on me.

"Just tired," I assured him with a sigh. It was mostly true. I was tired. I just didn't know why I kept being so tried.

I focused down on my food before I felt Phil's hand being placed on my forehead. I flinched slightly by the sudden touch, but stayed still against his hand as he moved it around my face.

"Just tired," I repeated. I quickly swallowed one of the pills, and soon the rest of them.

"Sure? You look a little pale…" Phil pointed out as he took a bite of his burger.

"I'm sure." I smiled.

After a few minutes of silence, Phil asked with a smirk, "So, how does it feel to be 18?"

"Completely different," I breathed out. "I'm kidding—nothing has changed," I giggled quietly. "I'm excited for my present though. Can you give me a hint? Just a small one…" I begged.

"You'll like it," Phil answered simply.

"I'll like it? Is that my only hint?"

"Yes."

I leaned a little over the table and gently nudged his shoulder. "You Idiot. Give me a proper hint."

"I'm not telling you, so knock it off already, Daniel."

"Fine," I groaned and leaned back on my chair.

"Are you done eating?" Phil asked me, pointing at my plate.

"Yes," I mumbled and stretched my arms over my head, preparing myself for another hour in the car.

"Dan."

"What?"

He gave me a questioning look. "You've only eaten half of it?"

"I'm not that hungry. It's fine." I tried to sound convincing and it was kind of true. I had no appetite; I most of all just wanted to go to bed.

**Phil -**

"Eat this," I said, and held out a chocolate bar. "I think your blood sugar needs a boost." I turned the key around and started the car.

"Thanks," Dan muttered in response as he buckled his seatbelt.

I slowly drove out of the parking lot and back onto the road.

"I can't wait to show you the place."

"I can't wait to see it."

"We're going to live quite high up, so we'll have a beautiful view," I informed him, focusing straight ahead.

"Please tell me there's a lift then," Dan mumbled jokingly.

"There is. Don't worry." I grinned back. "But everything is done up there. The place only needs us to be completed."

I'd been in Manchester last week, fixing the apartment up with some help from my dad. Dan wouldn't have been too much help anyway, so it was best if we did it alone. Then he wouldn't be in the way.

"Dan?" I asked again when I didn't get a response from him.

I turned my head quickly and found him fast asleep against the window. He hadn't been quite himself lately, but I'd asked him if he was okay multiple times and he always answered that he was, so I had to believe him. He took his condition very seriously—I knew that. So we wouldn't lie.

But it was boring driving alone. I didn't want to be rude and turn up the radio in case it would wake him up, so I just had to sit quietly with my own thoughts all the way to Manchester.

Every once in a while, I glanced over to Dan, but he stayed still the whole way. Something must've really knocked him out. I knew he got tired easily, but this wasn't normal and I had to admit that it was making me a little nervous.

An hour later, I pulled over in front of the tall building. Dan hadn't woken yet, and instead just tried to curl himself together in the small car seat. I got out and walked around the car so I could open his door.

"Wake up," I whispered. I bent my legs a bit to support myself and knelt down on one knee on the ground beside the car.

"We're here now," I continued as I shook him gently. "So you have to wake up."

"We're where?" he mumbled sleepily without opening his eyes.

"Manchester." I unclicked his seatbelt and tried to help him up to a sitting position. "Or home. Call it want you want." I smiled

"I don't even remembering falling asleep," Dan complained. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." But my tone was serious and concerned. This shouldn't start out with Dan being ill, if that was what was about to happen. "Get out so we can go up."

Dan did as he was told and slowly swung his legs out of the car. I got to stand and grabbed our suitcases with the last of our clothes and the little suitcase with Dan's medication.

I smiled and tangled my fingers with his once we were in the lift. "I missed your company in the car, Dan."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening. I'm just so tired," he moaned and turned to face me. He looked really sorry without any reason to be.

"Stay still," I commanded and pulled my hand out of his. I stuck two fingers to the side of his neck and gently pressed down. The pulse felt rather normal, though. "Everything else seems okay? Nothing hurts, right? Nothing feels different? You have to tell me…"

Dan shook his head from side to side and took a deep breath. "No. Everything is fine. I'm just tired."

I sighed deeply and placed a quick kiss on his forehead right before the lift made a sound to alert us to the fact that it was our stop and we stepped out.

"Ready?" I grinned while holding the key in front of the lock.

"Ready." Dan smiled back, nodding.

"Tadaa!" I said as I pushed the door open. "Oh, maybe we need some light." I flicked the switch and the hall lit up in front of us. "Tadaa!" I repeated with a grin.

"Beautiful, Phil." Dan giggled and walked inside, dragging his suitcase behind him.

"Don't go in the lounge just yet!" I warned and hurried inside to stop him.

"Is my present in there?" he asked curiously, kicking his shoes off.

"Maybe." I smirked and took my shoes off too. "I can show you the rest first." I pushed the door open in front of me. "This was meant to be a spare room. And then it was meant to be your room. But then I figured that you would rather sleep in my room, so now we can have our clothes and other stuff in here. But if you want your own room, we can make it that of course."

"Your room is fine," Dan assured me.

"Thought so." I closed the door again and walked down the hall, making sure Dan followed.

"Here's our room then." I smiled and stepped inside. I let Dan walk around the room, taking in his surroundings.

"It's very pretty, Phil," Dan whispered under his breath. He moved his gaze around the room, letting his eyes fell on the mixture of his and my stuff.

"And now the best part." I smiled and grabbed his hand, gently dragging him with me. "Close your eyes."

"Oh god, is it one of _those_ surprises…" Dad mumbled tensely. But he did as he was told.

I guided him through the hallway and entered the lounge.

"No peeking."

"I'm not," he giggled.

I let go of his hand to make sure the card and bottle of champagne was standing straight on the table. It wasn't really anything special, but it had to seem like it was.

"Open," I said happily.

He slowly opened one eye and stared confusedly at me. "Have you been hiding a _card_ from me?" He grinned.

"Both yes and no. I think you should read it before you draw conclusions." I smiled and handed it to him.

I watched him as he opened the card and started to read. I stood still opposite of him.

Everything about this felt right. I'd finally cleared up my thoughts and decided that taking Dan with me would give me more joyous, amazing moments than sad and worrying ones.

I'd been offered the most amazing job in a coffee shop down the road right at the time when we determined that we would be moving back. A family friend of ours owned the place and me and his son Chris grew up together, so that would be perfect.

Dan couldn't have a normal job. Or maybe he could—no one really knew—but I wouldn't pressure him. His parents had agreed to help me with the rent, so it wasn't that big of a problem. I would've been living in this apartment anyway, with or without Dan. What mattered was that he did what he thought he could handle.

**Dan -**

"Did you do all this for me?" I whispered once I was done reading Phil's card.

"Well, It only took me an hour…" Phil smiled and took a step closer towards me.

"But still," I mumbled shyly. "The other thing is that I just can't believe they want me in."

"I made a few calls and they wanted to see you. I told them you weren't in the city, so I showed them some of the videos I've taken of you throughout the years. They were very positive about it, so we're going tomorrow. I mean, if you want of course…"

"Of course I want!" I burst out excitedly. "But… did you tell them about my heart?" I asked, nervous.

"Yes I did. It wasn't a problem. They would take it into account, don't worry about that," he assured me and pressed his forehead against mine.

"Thanks…" I breathed out in relief. I didn't like telling people about it because I was afraid they might look at me differently. So it was always nice getting it out of the way before I went places, even though I felt bad for Phil because he had to explain everything all the time. I was old enough to be independent.

"No problem." He smiled. "I just couldn't bear the thought of you sitting here alone all day while I was at work. Now you have something to do too!" he said cheerfully. "Of course it won't be every day, but now you have something to wake up for." Phil locked his fingers together on my back and pulled me closer. "And I'll have something to look forward to if you're lucky enough to get in a play."

"If that happens…"

"Of course it will! You're an amazing actor, Dan. The guy I talked to at the theater was very happy and positive about you. I'm sure you'll do great."

I giggled shyly in response and looked down. "And what's the champagne for? I'm not allowed to drink…"

"Well, who's in charge now?" Phil whispered, lifting up my chin.

"You?" I answered with a smirk.

"Yes. And I thought we should celebrate all this." Phil released me and turned around. "And maybe we could watch a movie or something. If you're up for it." He smiled and poured the champagne into the glasses before handing me one.

"Sounds like something I would enjoy."

Phil picked up our duvets from the bedroom and we made ourselves comfortable on the couch, my head resting in Phil's lab while he lazily ran his fingers through my hair.

But after an hour or two, my eyelids started to drop and it became harder to stay awake. I soon had to give in and let them stay closed.

* * *

><p>I sat up and tiredly looked around at my surroundings until my eyes landed on Phil next to me. He was fast asleep, curled up underneath his covers. I didn't remember getting to bed so I didn't know how I ended up here.<p>

I lay back down again and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to wake up properly. But it was just making my head spin slightly, so I closed my eyes back together and stayed completely still, not liking this feeling at all.

After a few minutes, Phil started moving beside me, stretching his arms above his head while groaning quietly.

"What time is it?" I asked.

I felt Phil jump slightly, clearly not aware that I was already awake. "Uhm, eight."

"I'm an hour late with the pills then…" I muttered, still with closed eyes as my head was still spinning.

"Oh yeah." Phil swung his duvet off and got to stand beside me bed. "I'll make some breakfast."

"I've thought about moving the times because it's highly unlikely that we're going to wake up at seven or eat at six if I know us, Phil. That's never going to happen."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea. What times were you thinking?" he asked, walking around the bed.

"I don't know. Nine in the morning and eight in the evening?" I suggested. But of course I was the one to make the final choice.

"Yeah." I could hear Phil's voice getting closer and before I got the chance to see what he was doing I felt his hand being laid on my forehead.

"Everything okay?"

I slowly nodded against his hand and opened one eye to look at him. He was wearing his glasses and it always made me happy for some reason, so I couldn't help but smile a little. "I'm fine. Just need a minute to wake up," I assured him.

"I'll be in the kitchen," he whispered back down to me before walking out.

After a few minutes, I got up and followed Phil to the kitchen.

"We're leaving for the theater at eleven. Just so you know." Phil smiled and pushed a bowl of cereal across the breakfast bar in our kitchen.

"You're not going to work today?" I asked.

"No. I start tomorrow."

"Okay." I nodded and started eating. I still didn't have any appetite and it was actually starting to worry me. My head was still spinning and I felt a bit nauseous. This definitely wasn't normal and I knew I had to tell Phil, but I wanted to get this theater thing out of the way first.

After drowning all the pills together with the cereal, I stood up to help Phil clean up. The movements only made my head spin more violently and I felt light-headed. My heartbeat rose slightly and dark spots were blocking my vision.

I let out a struggling whimper in an attempt to form words, but failed. I grabbed tightly onto the countertop to keep my balance, resulting in the bowl crashing to the floor into a hundred pieces.

This made Phil turn around and his eyes quickly caught mine before everything became distant.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Please continue! ^^


	8. Chapter 8

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 8

**Summary about chapter 7:** (They're 18 years old) Dan wakes up in hospital, not knowing what happened. Phil tries to calm him down.

**Words: **4.536

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

I woke up in a mix of confusion and fear, not knowing where I was or how I'd ended up here. When I opened my eyes, they automatically focused on the unfamiliar white ceiling. I blinked up at it, disorientated.

As I became more awake, I felt cold air hitting my chest and it only made me more confused. I looked down at myself, as best I could, and saw that my whole body was attached to different machines standing beside the bed. A blanket was covering from my hips down, but I was naked from the waist up.

"Phil?" I asked nervously and tried to sit up a little. Only then I realised that an oxygen mask was wrapped around my head and there were IVs in both of my hands: one with salt water— the other with blood.

I stopped my movements and closed my eyelids tightly together, not wanting to look at it.

"No…" I breathed out and took a few deep breaths. I was in a hospital and I had no idea how or why.

"Dan," I head Phil sigh. "Hey." He smiled caringly and hovered over my head so he could look down at me.

"W-what happened?" I asked through the oxygen mask, struggling to form words after just waking up in an unknown place.

"You passed out," he informed me. His face was tense as he looked me over carefully. "So I called an ambulance, and now you're in hospital."

Panic rose within me. I remembered having breakfast… and then nothing else until now.

"W-why?" I asked shakily, shifting around on the uncomfortable bed. I felt fine so I didn't understand what was going on.

"Your blood count was low," Phil whispered

"But—" I started, without knowing where I was going with this conversation.

"Hey, calm down. Nothing serious. Just low blood count. Nothing else," Phil tried. "They checked everything while you were out. It looks... fine." He sighed sadly. "Well, as fine as it gets."

He smiled calmly now, but I knew he'd probably freaked out when we were at home alone. "It was just a big shock you gave me there," Phil said.

I nodded at his explanation and pressed myself hard against the pillow, eyes shut tightly together. I hated getting blood. It always made me feel sick and uncomfortable. It was _someone_ _else_'s blood, flowing into _my _veins. It helped, yes. But I didn't like it.

"Please make me think of something else. Or else I'm going to be sick," I mumbled through clenched teeth.

"We missed the appointment at the theater," Phil quickly told me, and sat down on a chair beside the bed.

"No…" I whined. I had completely forgotten about that. This wasn't how I thought our first day in the new apartment would turn out. Everything was supposed to be perfect. But instead I was stuck in hospital, again, ruining everything.

"Don't feel bad about it, Dan. I called them—we'll go tomorrow if you're better. It wasn't a problem," Phil tried, seeming to regret his choice of conversation once he saw how I reacted.

"Why is this always happening?" I cried out, opening my eyes back up. In pure frustration, I pulled off the oxygen mask, quickly followed by the wires attached to my chest, which caused the machine next to me to make some warning noises. This was probably a bad idea, as I knew a lot of doctors would come rushing in any second now to see why the monitor was disconnected.

I didn't care. I wanted to get out of this bed, out of this hospital—away. But I wouldn't be able to make it far as both of my hands were still being used to fill me with life-supporting liquids. I stared at them angrily and got the indescribable urge to scream. This wasn't a life.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Phil!" I spat into his face, holding my hands out in front of him.

He stayed quiet and kept staring at me calmly. He sighed softly and leaned a little closer towards me on his chair like he was going to say something.

I desperately fumbled with the tubes in my hands, trying somehow to get them off, not really knowing what I was doing. But I was sick of this. I was sick of hospitals and doctors. Sick of medication and white sheets. I just wanted to go home.

A few doctors came running into the room and it just made me cry harder until I had a headache too. Phil quickly stood up and tried to push them back out of the room.

After a couple of failed attempts, I managed to get the hose with the saltwater disconnected from me. It was hard to see what I was doing through my blurry vision, but I wanted nothing more than to just escape.

Phil stumbled back into the room, alone, and hurriedly closed the distance between us.

"Don't touch that," he told me simply. He grabbed a hold of both of my wrists, forcing my hands down and apart.

I tried to focus up at him, but my sight was completely blurry by now.

"Relax, please," he tried while pressing my hands against the mattress, still being careful that he didn't cause any more damage to the IVs.

"I don't want to be here, Ph-Phil..." I sobbed, trying to release myself from his grip. But Phil was a lot stronger than me.

"I know. But you have to."

"Le-let me g-go," I cried and kept moving around beneath him, doing my best to get loose. All this struggling made my chest feel tight and my breathing sped up along with my heart rate. My brain was screaming at me to stop my actions. This was pointless and I knew it. But I'd had enough.

"When you stay still, I'll let go." Phil stayed completely calm, not letting go even though I tried kicking him so he would release me. I normally wouldn't react like this, but it was too much. I'd wanted to start a _real_ life, but once again it'd ended up with me in a white bed.

After another five minutes, my body gave up and I went limp against the pillows, crying silently from pure exhaustion and frustration. Phil kept holding me down, making sure I wouldn't attack the other IV.

**Phil -**

Dan stopped moving and started crying properly instead. I kept holding him so I was sure he wouldn't move anymore or try to get away or whatever he was doing.

It was wrong of me to think like that because I knew exactly what he was doing. And it was hurting me seeing him like this, but there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to just let him freak out if that was what he needed, but when he started to pull at the hoses, someone had to stop him.

This wasn't fair; he didn't deserve this. Nobody deserved this. I understood why he was reacting like this and I wanted nothing else for him than to let him kick out his frustration.

I slowly let go of him and watched his reaction. Dan instantly threw his hands to his face and cried into his palms while his whole body was trembling slightly. It gave me the opportunity to get a proper look at the back of his hands. I could see he had pulled a little in the needle in his right hand when he'd tried to disconnect the hose because there were small spots of blood on the bandage that was wrapped around his hand.

Without really knowing what do to or what he wanted me to do, I slowly wrapped his blanket back around him the best I could. He was only in his boxers, so I was afraid he might get cold.

I sighed softly and sat down on the chair, just watching him calm down for a few seconds. One of the nurses poked her head inside and I nodded towards her, letting her know that it was okay.

A bunch of doctors running around was definitely not something Dan needed at the moment, and I knew he was okay, so I told them to stay outside until he was ready. Of course they would come running since the machine had suddenly stopped when he had pulled the wires off.

Dan stayed crying silently on the bed while the nurse and I both looked at him. I wanted to comfort him, but when he was like this I didn't think that was what he needed. It should be in his own pace.

The nurse made a sign to me that she needed to look at Dan's hand. I nodded in understanding and rose from the chair to help her.

Being as careful as I possibly could, I slowly lifted Dan's hand away from his face.

"We're just looking at it," I assured him as I gently moved his messy hair out of his eyes, touching softly as I did.

"Take me h-home, Ph-Phil."

"I will." I smiled a little nervous smile towards him. "Just not now."

"When?" he sniffed sadly and placed his free hand on his bare chest.

"When we're done here," I whispered. I interlocked my fingers together with his and slowly ran my thumb across his skin without touching the IV. "When we've made sure you're okay, we'll go home." I lowered my chin a little, making sure he understood what I was telling him.

"Make it now!" he sobbed and threw his head back against the mattress. "I don't want to be h-here."

I gave the nurse a quick, helpless glance, not knowing what to do about this.

I wanted to fulfill his request and take him home, but of course I couldn't just do that. He didn't normally pass out like that so we had to make sure he was completely okay before we could go anywhere.

"Dan, listen to me," I started softly and moved around in my chair, getting closer to him. "Nothing is happening, okay? You're getting some blood and some oxygen and then we'll leave. Nothing else." I spoke in a hushed tone, knowing my words were pointless.

The reality was slowly getting to me. I could choose when I wanted to be around before, now I had no choice. His mum would usually deal with stuff like this, and I would come in later to make it better. I was with him all the time before, but I still had the freedom to leave. I would have to stay with him through it all now.

"I-I hate this…" he choked.

"I know. But we'll be out of here sooner than you think. "

* * *

><p>"Go away, Phil," Dan muttered into his hands as I walked closer.<p>

"I'm having my break now so I thought we could talk." I slowly pushed a cup of hot chocolate across the table. It was my first day at work and I was both excited and stressed out because of what had happened to Dan yesterday. It came as a shook and I would have preferred to take the day off, just staying home with him. But missing my day wasn't really an option, so I decided to take him with me instead, much to Dan's dismay. It made him feel like a sick child coming with his dad to work because he couldn't stay home by himself. Of course it was nothing like that. I was just so nervous, and I wanted to keep an eye on him just for a day or two.

"About what?" he snapped, still without looking at me.

I sighed softly and sat down opposite of him. "Something you wanna talk about?" I asked back, hoping to get him in a better mood. He'd been snapping at me ever since we came back from the hospital. I understood that it was frustrating, but I was getting quite tired of his behaviour towards me.

"No…" he groaned.

"Could you stop being so rude?" I breathed out tensely and slammed my cup unto the table, hard enough for some to spill out.

Dan threw his head up and glared back on me. "I'm not rude! I'm just…" But he trailed off, breathing heavily.

"I don't want to be here. Can I please go home?" he tried.

"No," I answered simply. "You can't."

"Why?"

"Because I say so," I said determinedly and locked my gaze with his in an attempt to make my statement clear.

"You're not my mum," he spat back while sitting up properly in his seat.

"You're right, I'm not. But I make the decisions anyway. And you're staying here."

"You should just have left me on the fucking floor..." he muttered under his breath, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What did you say?" I asked quietly through clenched teeth, feeling anger rise in me. I'd heard him, but I couldn't believe what he was saying.

"You should have left me on the floor! Is this how it's gonna be every day? Me coming with you to work so I can just sit here, staring at the air?"

"Shut up, Dan," I whispered harshly. "Shut the fuck up." I knew he didn't mean what he was saying, and it still made me angry, but more than that, it made me sad. I wasn't doing this without a reason.

"How do you think I feel about this, huh? Do you really think I'd just leave you home alone after yesterday? You ended up in fucking hospital, Daniel! I haven't slept all night because of this. Do you even understand what I'm going through with this?" I paused, waiting for an answer. But my sudden eruption had clearly shocked him. He froze completely still in his seat, his arms placed on the table in front of him, not daring to move.

"Do you?!" I spat into his face, leaning closer.

"I… Ye—" But no proper words came out.

"I believe you do. But can you then please show it and stop being so ungrateful! Should I just have left you on the floor? I didn't know what was wrong with you! You could've had a heart attack, you idiot!"

I was yelling now and my eyes were starting to burn. "You can walk, you can see, you can breathe. You have a roof over your head and food on the table, which I pay for, by the way. You have people around you who love you and care about you. You get all the help you need, for free. So stop moaning about your life and drink your cocoa. Which I paid for too!" I quickly rose from my chair to stand beside him instead.

I went on, "And for your information—no, it's not going to be like this every day. But the days I say it's like this, then it's like this. And you'll just be staying put on your ass wherever I tell you."

I turned around, dried my eyes, and walked with heavy steps back to the desk, not looking back.

**Dan -**

We were slowly walking down the road, me a little behind Phil. The weather matched my mood—all gray and foggy. I hadn't caught the weather yesterday because I was locked inside, but I guessed it'd been about the same. It was usually nice going outside, even in grey weather, because I liked the fresh air. But today seemed so different. This time it was making me more sad than happy.

I wanted to go back home, stay in my bed, and hide from the world. Hide from Phil. At least for a little while so things could get back to normal.

For the first time in seven years, Phil's company felt uncomfortable. I wanted to take a step back instead of taking a step forward. It was an odd feeling and I didn't like it.

I nervously followed Phil through the door and inside the theater. I still hadn't spoken to him after he'd yelled at me in the coffee shop. I wanted to apologize, or just do something.

Suddenly, I didn't want to do this anymore. The situation was too tense for my liking. This was Phil's birthday present to me and it wasn't at all how I pictured it. It felt somehow wrong.

"I-I need to use the toilet," I stuttered, glancing around to find the nearest bathroom. Once I spotted it, I stared walking fast so that Phil wouldn't follow.

I had been so excited to move here—too excited to pay attention to my life. I'd felt almost normal for once. The episode yesterday was like being hit in the face with the reality again. My future was unpredictable. Anything could happen. I was stupid and naive to think that this would go well—that I could get the chance to do theater. This wasn't school; they couldn't just make things fit for everyone.

"Dan?" I heard Phil ask through the door, followed by a few knocks. "What are you doing?"

I'd been sitting on top of the toilet seat probably longer than I'd intended to, lost in my own thoughts.

"Nothing…" I answered in a small voice.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have, I—" Phil started nervously.

"It's okay," I interrupted. "It's my own fault. I was ungrateful, like you said," I sighed.

"You weren't. You have every right in the world to be ungrateful. So many things have been taken from you and—"

I slowly opened the door. "I do not," I whispered. "I have every reason to be happy. People have it a lot worse."

"You can't compare your problems to others, Dan. No matter what they are. That isn't how it works." Phil's tone was serious and he shook his head at me. "It doesn't make your problems less serious or less important to compare them to other people's struggles," he assured me. "And it was wrong of me to talk like that, knowing how hard it is for you."

I nodded slowly. Not because I agreed with him, but because I didn't know how else to react.

"I was just so tired and everything was being thrown at me all at once. With you and the job.. It was just too much at one time. I didn't mean what I said." He sighed softly while looking me over.

"M-me neither," I stuttered in response.

We were standing still, just staring at each other.

"This wasn't how I expected things to be," I whispered to the floor.

I watched Phil's feet take one big step towards me. He slowly lifted up my chin and locked his gaze with mine.

"Things are never as you expect, Dan. I can assure you that." He smiled. "Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen… But sometimes the unexpected things are the best things," he whispered with a wide smile, and I knew he was referring to me.

"Sometimes they come smashing into your life and make it better," I whispered back, blushing slightly.

"Yes they do." Phil grinned and took a final step closer. "And more exciting."

"Maybe a little too exciting sometimes," I breathed out. After a moment, I muttered, "Do you think things happen for a reason?"

"Depends on how you look at it," he answered simply.

"Like… that I'm not meant to be doing this?" I wrinkled my forehead slightly, blinking up at him.

"Do you want to do this?" Phil asked.

"Yes…"

"Then what's the problem? I believe people's choices happen for a reason. No matter what kind of things are going on."

"You can't say that," I mumbled, confused.

"Why?" He smiled. "_Things_ don't happen for a reason, Dan. _Choices_ happen for a reason. It's what we choose to do that matters."

"I choose not to be ill then."

"That's not how I meant it," he sighed. "You didn't get the choice, did you? When I walked into the school on my first day, back when we were 11, I didn't think I would get anything out of it. I was about to go play football with our classmates but I chose to be with you, even though I didn't know you or had spoken to you. And look where we are now." Phil walked backwards while holding out his arms. "That was a good choice, wasn't it?"

I nodded shyly.

"It was just a bad day yesterday, but it's fixed now," he assured. He stepped back to me, grabbing around my left wrist to hold my hand the way he liked best. "No more thinking—just acting, okay? Make your choice, Dan."

* * *

><p>"You can call me PJ," the man in front of me greeted. He violently shook my hand, making my whole torso move. PJ was just as tall as I was, with brown curly hair. It looked a bit like my hair in the morning and I couldn't help but smile towards him. He was probably a few years older than me, but I could be wrong. He seemed nice at least.<p>

"Hello. You can call me Dan," I responded with a smile.

"Hello Dan! I've been looking forward to meet you, actually. Your friend here had been talking a lot about you during his last visit." PJ nodded in Phil's direction.

My cheeks flushed red and I quickly moved my eyes to the floor. "Good things, I hope?" I muttered, just waiting for my condition to be mentioned.

"Only good things!" PJ assured happily.

He wasn't as frightening as I'd thought, so I slowly started loosening up, feeling more comfortable about the whole situation.

"Follow me and I'll show you around," PJ informed us, and started walking.

We walked with him down one of the corridors. The place looked really old; the walls were covered in paintings and the carpet on the floor was light brown, almost yellow. It almost looked like the inside of an old castle.

My eyes were glued to the walls until we reached a big hall with a stage at the other end.

"This is where the magic happens." PJ smiled and waved his arm through the air in front of himself.

It was a lot bigger than the school theater, of course. The stage was a lot more beautiful and detailed, with proper lighting over it.

"Perfect," I breathed. I gazed around on my surroundings, trying to adjust to all the new impressions I was getting. It was indeed a beautiful place and I was overwhelmed by its appearance. This was not at all how I'd expected it to look like. I was expecting something like the school theater, but this was on a whole other level.

"Can I ask you something?" I started nervously, letting my eyes fall on PJ.

"Of course."

"What do you do around here? I mean, Phil hasn't told me much… How is this running and what kinds of things do you do?" I asked curiously.

"I'm the director slash script writer slash the person you have to talk to if something's wrong or you have questions," he informed me. "We're funded by the city of Manchester. We do professional plays too, where people pay to come watch. Sometimes we play for schools and other institutions." He smiled widely towards me.

"He doesn't need a _real _job. It's more to get him out of the house," Phil interrupted.

"Yeah, you told me that." PJ nodded in understanding. "But we'll see how things turn out. If you're ready, I'd like to see you on stage now."

I quickly moved my eyes from Phil and back on PJ.

"Just for a short bit—don't worry," PJ added when he saw my reaction. He stretched out his hand to show the way.

Phil nodded happily and gestured that I should follow. "I'll wait here," he said with a smile.

I took a deep breath and followed PJ down the rows of red-covered seats, giving Phil a quick glance as we walked behind the stage.

"This is how we do it," he began, looking me over carefully. "I'll start on a line and you'll just say whatever comes in mind. Don't think. Theater is not about thinking—it's about feeling. How you handle this doesn't change anything. Relax—it's just for fun. I can see that you're a little nervous about the situation."

I nodded slowly and backed up on the stage so my eyes were constantly fixed on PJ.

"Don't be," he assured, and followed me across the floor. "I've seen you on video, so I'm just curious…"

I looked down at Phil, but it was hard spotting him through the lighting even though he was the only one there besides me and PJ.

"How are you today?" PJ started suddenly.

I stared at him for a second, a bit confused, not really knowing what he was expecting.

"I'm... fine?" I tried. PJ kept smiling at me while nodding, showing that he wanted me to keep going. And it slowly hit me what he was trying to do. He was making me lie. I knew that he knew about my condition. He was trying to make me act like nothing was wrong. A thing I'd wanted all my life.

"But yesterday was better…" I grinned and took a big step backwards.

As time went on, I started loosening up and got more relaxed. It came natural to me, especially this kind of topic. This was how I'd want to explain my life if I had the choice.

Acting had been a big part—or maybe the only part of my life actually—that I really cared about and felt free doing. I could be whatever I wanted to be. Pretend to be someone else and really believe in it in that moment. It was a push out of reality and into a whole other world.

It was like I was stuck in between having a normal life and being confined to a bed. But with acting, I could choose for myself.

I quickly moved my gaze out to the side of the stage, seeking comfort. But suddenly, I became aware that this was the first time I was acting with Phil sitting in the audience rather than standing behind the curtain.

I had always wanted to save this moment for something special, or a really big play that I could be proud of. But I guessed this moment was special too, even though we were the only three around.

"That was really good, Dan. Convincing at least…" PJ smiled caringly. " And that's important!" He started giggling as he stepped towards me. "If you're up for it, you can stay."

"Of course." I smiled, feeling my heart flutter in my chest with excitement and relief.

"That was very good, Dan!" I heard Phil cheer from behind me.

I turned around. "Thank you," I breathed out with a smile. Then, whispering for only Phil to hear, I added, "He didn't even mention it."

"Because it doesn't matter," Phil whispered back and pulled me into a tight hug.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	9. Chapter 9

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 9

**Summary about chapter 9:** (They're 18 years old) Dan and Phil have been living in Manchester for a few months now and are finally trying to start a normal life together.

**Words: **3.622

* * *

><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

It was the third morning in a row that I'd woken up to an empty bed—the third morning in a row that there'd been a note on the breakfast bar, telling me that Dan had taken all of his pills and measured his blood pressure like he was supposed to, leaving me all the numbers so I could see that everything was alright. Then that was followed by a detailed explanation of what he'd had for breakfast, assuring me that he'd eaten at least two pieces of fruit with his Cheerios (even though I could plainly see he'd had Nutella on something because the jar was left open on the counter and it was definitely not me).

It made me smile to see that he was taking care of himself, but I still had mixed feeling about this. Maybe it was silly of me, because I knew that if something were ever wrong, he would wake me up, but I liked waking up with him so I could make sure he was okay by looking at him with my own eyes.

I had no clue what he was doing either. I'd tried asking him about it over dinner, but he'd only responded with, "It's a secret. You'll see soon enough". And then he'd just looked away with this weird smirk on his face, which made me question everything even more.

Of course, I knew some of what was going on, since I'd called PJ at the theatre to check if he was there. PJ had promised me that he wouldn't tell that I'd called, but he understood that I had to know where Dan was if something were to happen.

"_Are you calling again?_" I could hear the grin in PJ's voice through the phone.

"Of course." I smiled to myself as I poured some milk into my coffee. "Is he in?"

"_He is. Don't worry._"

"What's he doing?" I asked inquisitively, sure I would get the same answer as yesterday and the day before that.

"_I'm not allowed to tell you…_"

"Well… It was worth a try." I sighed. "Does he look alright? Sorry, I haven't really seen him much lately."

"_I'm not an expert like you, but he looks okay to me._"

"Okay, I'm glad." I was happy Dan could be doing something by himself. It was what I'd always wanted for him—to be independent and start a life of his own. It was what his parents wanted too, and it was the main reason they'd given him permission to come live with me.

But it also made me nervous whenever he wasn't around: like now. He'd always been around—either at school or at home with me—and if he wasn't, I could be sure that his mum would be looking after him. Now we were two different places and I couldn't keep an eye on him all the time. Not that is was needed, really, because PJ was highly informed about everything, but it still made me relax more knowing he was beside me.

"_Anything else?_" PJ asked.

"No. No, it's good. Thanks."

We eventually hung up so I could get ready to go to work. Not that I really wanted to, as it was so cold outside. Winter would be here soon, which meant Christmas, so at least one good thing would come from this cold.

* * *

><p>"T-turn on the h-hot water, Chr-Chris. Need C-coffee, pl-please," I stuttered as I stepped inside the shop, my cheeks flushed red and my vision slightly blurry from the cold air.<p>

"Whoa, Phil. Did you fall in the lake or something?"

"I-it's raining. And I'm fucking f-freezing," I complained, throwing my soaked jacket over a nearby chair.

"Where's Dan?"

"On a secret mission, I think." I kept shuffling around, trying to get all my limbs working again.

"Like a secret agent? Exciting." He grinned and handed me the steaming hot cup of coffee.

"Yeah, who knows? Maybe he's out saving someone," I giggled back. "But why do you ask?"

"Just because he's not with you now and hasn't been for weeks, so I was just wondering where you'd put him." He smiled and took a sip of his own coffee.

"He's with PJ at the theatre. And he put himself there—I have nothing to do with it," I assured him. I wrinkled my forehead slightly at his expression. He looked like someone who knew more than he should. "Do you have something to do with it?"

"No." He grinned.

"Have you been talking to Dan?" I asked curiously. I was finally able to feel my body again, and I took a step closer.

"No I haven't, I swear."

"You're all such bad liars." I playfully nudged Chris' shoulder as I walked past him to get my apron.

* * *

><p>"Are you home?" I called through the hallway as I stepped inside our flat after a quite hectic day at work. It was getting colder and colder, which meant that the demand for hot drinks was increasing.<p>

I looked around curiously to find Dan's shoes parked beside his jacket—which was thrown on the floor—so I figured that he must be here somewhere.

"Dan?" I called again. I threw all my stuff next to his before I started searching the house, starting with the lounge, obviously, since light was coming from there. Once I got closer, I could hear the television was on.

"Hmm?" was the only reply I got. I entered to find Dan half-asleep on the sofa.

"Good day?" I asked, stepping a little closer.

"Long day…" he answered simply.

"Yeah, same." I lifted up his blanket-covered legs and made some space on the sofa for me to sit before placing them back down on my lap. He was like a doll in my arms, not protesting any of the movements from pure exhaustion.

A smile spread across his face as he peeked one eye open so he could look at me. "What are you doing?" he asked, nuzzling his body further into the cushions.

"You're cold," I answered in a subdued tone, continuing to stroke his feet gently.

"No I'm not." He opened his other eye too so he could get a better look at me.

"Well, your feet felt cold. And now I'm making it better."

"But it tickles…" Dan sleepily complained, but clearly didn't have enough energy to pull away. "And your hands are cold too, so how is this supposed to be helpful again?"

"Always problems with you…" I sighed, dragging my fingers slowly across the bottoms of his feet.

"Yes. I'm basically a breathing problem," Dan confirmed, laughing. Quiet fell over the room and I stopped teasing him, knowing that he wouldn't protest anyway since most of his energy for the day had run out already.

After a few attempts, I managed to create enough friction to generate heat and warm up my frozen hands as well as Dan's feet. His humming followed my fingers' rhythm. I'd have to stop soon or I would probably lose him for the night. From what I could see, he was already halfway to dreamland.

"So, what are you hiding from me?" I began in a whispering voice, not really wanting to ruin the peaceful silence.

"Hmm, not telling you…" Dan smiled back, half-asleep. I wanted to know, partly because I was curious, but mostly because I wanted to know what Dan was doing to himself. He knew all too well how to deal with his own condition; he knew how much he could handle. But still…

It was obvious that it was something for me because of the fact that he wanted to keep it such a big secret. I wanted to know how anything involving me could be so important that he had to wake up early to get out of the house.

"Just a little hint?" I tried again.

Dan opened both of his eyes back up and gazed at mine. "Will you shut up then?" he giggled.

"I promise."

"You'll like it," Dan said simply.

"_That's_ my answer?" I jokingly complained. "You're so stupid. I hate you." I let go off his feet to cross my arms against my chest defiantly.

"And you're too easy." Dan laughed while nudging at my elbow with his foot. "It's a surprise. It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you, now would it?" he asked, continuing to poke me with his foot.

"No…" I sighed. I gave up. I just had to trust him enough to believe that he wasn't doing anything he couldn't handle.

"Thanks."

I lifted my gaze from my lap so I could get a better look at him, only to catch him in a wide yawn, rubbing his eyes in a fruitless attempt to be more awake.

"Are you just totally done for today?" I asked as I stood up.

"Hm," was the only answer I got. I knelt down beside the sofa so I could watch him closer. Besides being tired, he looked completely fine, so I guessed nothing was wrong. But I could never really know, and that made me nervous.

I sat fully down on the floor and rested my head in my hands while my elbows were placed on the edge on the edge of the cushion as I carefully looked him over one more time.

"What are you doing?" Dan asked me. He turned around on the small sofa to face me.

"Staring at you?" I offered, still smiling a little.

"And why are you doing that, if I may ask?" He giggled quietly.

"Because you look… cute?" I made it sound more like a question, without any intention to do so. "You look cute when you're tired or sleeping," I continued shyly. And that was both a truth and a lie.

Watching him sleep at home, on the sofa, or in our bed, was one of the best views I could imagine. He looked so peaceful, with all his normal problems washed away. He didn't have to worry about anything. He didn't have to think about anything. He was just in his own little world, and he could make it however he wanted. Often, he'd go to bed before I would, so I'd get to experience this sight a lot. It always made me happy.

But watching him sleep in a hospital bed was a whole other thing. I hated it. The thought of him possibly never waking up again was constantly there in the back of my mind. Seeing him hooked up to all those machines with different tubes filling him with liquids… It was the scariest thing I could think of. It was a reminder that he might never wake up again, that his heart would give out. That I might never get the chance to stare into those beautiful deep, dark-brown eyes, never hear his voice or laugher again, never be able to hold him close and tell him that everything would be alright when he was scared. The day would come, of course… but I wasn't ready for that yet.

"You're kinda creepy sometimes, you know that?" he giggled. Dan was aware of my staring since he often caught me doing it when he suddenly woke up.

"It's not for nothing that they call me Creepy Phil."

"Who the hell calls you Creepy Phil? Never in my entire life have I ever heard anyone say that."

"Well you have now," I responded, giggling.

"Okay then. I guess…" As he spoke, he drew his eyebrows together, looking slightly like a question mark. "But yeah, I'm done for today, I'm sorry," he breathed out.

"We haven't even had dinner yet…" I said, ever so slowly stroking my fingers through his hair.

He only groaned in reply, clearly not having enough energy to think about food at the moment. "Can't we just stay here? I'm too tired for that and I want to cuddle…"

"You have to eat something and then we can cuddle afterwards," I assured him. "Now, up."

"No," he complained, turning around to face the other way.

"You're such an lazy ass, Daniel Howell." I grinned and tried my best to wrap my arms around him. I guess we had time to stay here for a little while before it got too late.

"Am not." He laughed quietly and nuzzled himself into my touch.

"Oh you aren't?" I wrapped my arms fully around his body to pull him up in an almost sitting position, making it possible for me to slip in beside him on the small space. I turned us both around, me lying with my back pressed against the cushions and Dan pressed tightly against my chest so he wouldn't fall down on the floor.

"No. I'm highly active, not wasting any time…" He muttered sheepishly, and pressed himself further into my chest.

"Yeah, I can tell." I buried my head in the back of his neck and gently placed a soft kiss on his skin. His breathing turned heavier the more I kissed and I had to stop even though I didn't want to or else he would probably fall asleep in seconds.

"How about we order something instead?" I suggested in a low voice.

"That's the best idea you've had all day, if you ask me…" It was almost impossible to understand him by now—he sounded almost drunk.

"Glad you like my way of thinking." I smiled to myself and squeezed him quickly.

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

It was still dark outside when I tried to release myself from my castle of duvets and pillows without waking up Phil, who was still fast asleep beside me. Being as quiet as I could, I moved from the bed to stand on the floor. I held my breath, carefully trying not to make any sound that would wake him up.

It was all part of the plan—letting him sleep longer. I wanted to show him that I was capable of controlling my own life and I didn't need help with everything. I could wake up by myself, take my medication, and make myself breakfast. I didn't need him to do everything for me. It was the whole reason I came with him, wasn't it? To handle things by myself.

I tiptoed out of our bedroom and into the spare room to find some comfortable clothes to wear. It was freezing and dark outside—I could tell even though I was inside. I got cold really easily because of my poor blood circulation due to my heart condition, so I found the biggest hoodie I owned and pulled it over my head. I knew it would be warm where I was going, but I would probably still be freezing. I was freezing now, which meant it would stick with me all day until I got back home and buried myself in blankets and duvets.

My morning ritual was followed by a quick visit to the toilet, fixing my hair up so I wouldn't be looking like an idiot, and brushing my teeth.

And then on to the pills… which was the worst since there were so many. It almost made me sick each morning, just looking at them. There weren't only pills to control my condition, but also different kinds of vitamins and supplements.

Surprisingly enough, I wasn't very good at swallowing pills, which was weird as this had been my life for as long as I could remember. There was just something really unpleasant about it that I had never been able to get over.

I lined them all up in front of me, sighing at the sight. But it had to be done, no matter how long I dragged it out. Holding a big glass of water in my left hand, I picked up the first one to swallow it, and quickly followed it with another.

I had to stop halfway though to catch my breath or else I would probably throw them all up again. And that would for sure wake Phil up.

After eating enough food to get my stomach under control, I wrote Phil a long note to let him know that everything was okay. Now I just had to leave the house before he would wake up. The sun was already rising outside, so I knew it wouldn't be long.

"Morning, Howell." PJ smiled once I was finally inside the theatre. "It just gets earlier and earlier… Sure you couldn't sleep in just one day?"

"No. I want to make this perfect." I smiled and unzipped my jacket.

"It already is perfect. The others aren't even in yet." He chuckled while helping me out of my clothes.

"Then I can practise the dance first." I smiled happily.

"As you wish."

I followed PJ down the corridor towards the theatre hall. Everything was totally quiet, as we were the only one around. Maybe I'd arrived a little too early this morning. But I was so excited about this. Everything had to be perfect—I couldn't fail.

After being in a few small plays over the last couple of months, PJ had given me the main role in a big play where _real_ people would be paying _real _money to come watch. Phil didn't know anything about it. Of course, he had already guessed that I was at the theatre because where else should I be if I wasn't with him in the shop or at home? But I'd got the main role, so I wanted this to be a surprise for Phil. I was both nervous and extremely excited.

I had big plans for this. I would invite him to the premiere where he'd get the chance to be sat in the best seat, and then afterwards as we would eat a really fancy dinner together. I had been planning this for weeks, and now that the day was fast approaching, I spent all my free time on the stage, practising everything over and over.

The play would include a dance number, and I did my best to keep up with all the choreography, but it was hard, as I got breathless really easily. It wasn't a very exhausting dance at all—mostly just a lot of stepping around elegantly—but it was a lot to remember, and hard to do multiple times in a row.

I couldn't wait to show it to Phil. This was something I was really proud of doing and I wanted him to be proud of me too. I wanted to show him something that I'd done by myself. PJ wouldn't have offered me the role if he didn't think I could do it, so I felt honoured that he'd wanted me in.

"Lift your arms a bit more like this." He demonstrated by lifting his arms up above his head. I followed his instructions and did the same. "Lower them again. Slowly." He smiled. "Remember your feet."

I looked down and quickly got in the proper position.

"Then move to your left. Keep your back stiff all the time. Not in that browser position way, Dan." PJ smiled and pushed my spine forward.

"And then you have to go slower here," PJ informed me, and held out a paper with the notes for the melody on it.

"I'll have to go slower with everything…" I breathed out. I collapsed onto the stage floor unsteadily, breathing hard.

"Phil would kill me if he knew I was letting you jump around like that, you know that right?" PJ grinned and sat down in front of me.

"Yeah…" I sighed.

"You sure you can handle it? It's not just the premiere. We have to play it a few more times and—"

"Positive," I interrupted with a nervous smile. "I'm going to be fine. I think."

"You think?" he questioned.

"I could fall and break a leg or something. With that dancing, it might just happen." I giggled.

"You just have to tell me if it's too much, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you."

I nodded slowly. Through the last couple of months we had all become really good friends. PJ now knew pretty much every important thing about me when it came to my condition. It made me feel safer too, especially now that I was in a place without Phil. If something were to happen, PJ would be here and help me. It meant that I could relax some more and just concentrate on improving my acting skills.

Besides that, PJ was also really nice. He was maybe five years other than both me and Phil, but that didn't change anything. He could make us laugh like nobody had ever done before. It was nice having someone new into my life too. It had always just been me and Phil. Phil had had other friends back in our old town, just not enough time to be around them often, as I took nearly all of his time. I got tired pretty easily, so meeting a lot of people had always been hard. PJ was different in a way. He understood me on the same level as Phil, which made me so happy because I now had one more amazing friend.

Of course, I couldn't compare anyone to Phil. No one would ever get the chance to do half as much for me as he'd done.

"Should we go again?" I asked after I'd caught my breath.

"You're sitting the pace, Dan."

"Do you think Phil's gonna like it?" I asked nervously. I avoided making eye contact as I stood up, slightly insecure about his response.

"I think he's absolutely gonna love it, Dan."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Please continue! ^^


	10. Chapter 10

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 10

**Summary about chapter 10:** (They're 18 years old) Dan's having a day off from work and spends it at home. But things don't go as planned...

**A/N: **_This chapter and further on will contain heavy angst!__(No major triggers, don't worry.)_

**Words: **4.001

* * *

><p><strong>Dan -<strong>

"I forgot for a second that you would be home this morning…" Phil muttered from behind me, still half asleep.

I smiled and rolled over on the bed to face him. "I almost forgot too," I whispered in response. PJ had to go to London today, so everyone at the theatre got a day off. I didn't mind really, since I was so tried anyway. Phil didn't seem to have anything against it either. It was the first time in over a week that we'd been able to wake up together.

Phil, still lazy from just waking up, slowly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close so that my forehead was resting against his chest.

"Hmm, I've missed this…" he purred happily.

"I'm sorry for being busy," I mumbled into his shirt.

"I don't mind. I'm just happy you're doing something so I don't feel bad leaving you every morning." He pulled me even closer.

"I'm going to suffocate, Phil," I giggled lightly.

"Worth it." Phil rolled over to lay his back, pulling me with him so that my whole upper body was resting on top of his. "I wish I could stay home all day too…" he sighed with a smile.

"Someone's gotta make the money," I joked before pressing my lips against his, giving him no chance to respond. Phil's lips spread into a wide smile as he began kissing me back.

"You're late with the pills," he breathed out, between soft kisses.

"I know." I smiled back, but quickly got him to shut up by pressing my lips against his again. I knew this moment wouldn't be able to last much longer, but I could at least try to make him stay for a bit.

Phil finally broke the kiss. "Now. Up," he commanded as he tried to push me away from him.

"Just a little longer. Please," I begged sleepily, resting the side of my cheek down on his chest. I smiled at the steady sound of his heartbeat. It was pounding, slow and rhythmic, along with his breathing. I couldn't help but be a bit jealous. Phil was perfect—everything about him was perfect—whereas I was broken. His heart didn't have any trouble; he could run a marathon if he wanted. Of course he was too lazy for that, but he _could_, and that was the difference between us.

That was what I wanted most—to be able to run wherever I wanted without worrying about my stupid heart. Whenever I'd tell Phil, he'd just laugh and tell me that I'm not missing out on anything really by not being able to run, especially considering I was always able to get out of gym class in school. And part of me would believe him, but a bigger part of me still craved it: being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without limitations. Phil would try to understand, but he could never fully get what it was like to be in my place.

"Are you trying to make me carry you to the kitchen, because we need to get up now, Dan," Phil said, a little more determined this time.

"It's cold…" I sighed and pressed my body further into his.

"You can take your duvet with you into the lounge. You're staying there all day anyway."

"But I'm so comfortable," I complained. But I knew that Phil would probably push me out of the bed before long.

"Get out and I'll wrap you up. How does that sound?"

I groaned loudly in defeat, which only made a silly grin spread across Phil's face as he helped me up.

"And then we take this side around your shoulders…" he explained as he wrapped his warm duvet around me.

"Are you making me into a burrito?" I giggled.

Phil took a big step backwards once we were finally done to get a good look at his work. "No. I'm thinking more penguin, actually," he answered seriously.

"Should I walk like this then?" I turned around and started wriggling across the floor towards the door.

"Exactly like that," Phil laughed. He threw his arms around me from behind and started swaying from side to side along with my movements.

Surprisingly, we made it all the way to the kitchen with Phil still holding onto me. I couldn't wait until the play out of the way and I could wake up to more mornings like this. I'd really missed them. And from the way Phil was acting, he'd obviously missed them too.

"You'll have to get your arms out if you want something to eat," Phil giggled while pouring milk into his coffee.

"But it's cold outside," I groaned and leaned my stomach against the breakfast bar, bending over it slightly. It was lucky that I didn't have to do anything today because I wasn't even in the mood for breakfast. Now I just wished Phil would stay home too.

"Get your arm out so I can take your blood pressure," he commanded, taking a sip of his drink.

I did as I was told and unwillingly pulled my left arm out from under my warm covers. Goosebumps were already appearing on my bare skin as Phil gently wrapped the fabric of the device around my upper arm before pressing start.

I stayed completely still as always, doing my best to make it as accurate as possible.

Phil wrinkled his forehead slightly as he looked over the numbers. "It's a little high," he pointed out. "Stay still, we're gonna do it again."

I sighed softly. This was not the day for high blood pressure.

"It's the same..." he mumbled once the machine was done beeping.

"But I can't feel it," I assured him.

"It's almost fifteen over, Dan. You sure you can't feel it?" Phil lowered his voice and locked his eyes with mine, trying to get the truth out of me. But I wasn't lying.

"I don't feel any difference. Really, Phil. I can't feel anything," I said, shaking my head.

"Hmm…" Phil breathed out, concerned, before turning around. "Take your pills and go lay on the sofa. Then I'll bring you some toast, okay?"

I nodded a reply and started lining up the pills in front of me. As always, it made my stomach turn around just to look at them. Phil knew it all too well, and he gave me caring look.

"You don't have to do it, Phil... I know how much you hate bananas." I smiled.

"And I know how much you hate the pills. And I also know how healthy this banana is." He grinned back and held out the yellow fruit like it was the first time he'd seen one.

"You're so stupid," I mumbled before swallowing the first pill. At the same time, Phil took a bit of the banana he was holding. He sometimes did this—eating something he hated while I had to eat something I hated. Maybe it was to make me feel better about the whole situation, but the only thing I knew was that seeing the face he made in disgust was almost worth it.

"Never doing that again…" he muttered.

"You said that last time," I giggled while sitting down on the sofa, my duvet tightly wrapped around me.

Phil followed soon after, holding out a plate with my breakfast on it.

"Thanks. You're too good to me." I grinned as I took it.

"I know," he giggled back and rumpled his fingers through my already messy hair. "What are you going to do all day? Now that you have to house to yourself." He smirked over the edge of his mug.

"I don't know. Maybe run around naked and sing One Direction?" I smirked back at him.

He just shook his head and grinned before taking another sip of coffee.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey, Dan. What's up?<em>"

"W-where are you?" I stuttered into the phone.

"_At work, remember?_" Phil asked back.

"Yeah," I sighed.

"_Something wrong?_"

"I don't know..." I breathed out and pressed myself as far into the sofa cushions as possible, like I'd been doing for the past hour. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get comfortable, and I didn't know why. I was so tired, but I simply couldn't sleep. Everything I did felt _wrong_.

"_You don't know?_" Phil repeated in a nervous tone.

"When are you coming home?" I asked him, ignoring the question because I didn't have an answer for him—I really didn't know.

"_At five,_" he replied. I pulled the phone away from my ear to look at the time. He wouldn't be back for over five hours.

"_Dan, what's wrong?_" I could hear him stop whatever he was doing to give me his full attention through the phone.

"N-nothing," I assured. It was the truth—nothing was wrong.

"_Is something hurting? You have to tell me._"

"No. I'm fine, I promise." I closed my eyes and tried to make myself comfortable again, which seemed like an impossible goal at the moment. Nothing was hurting and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except for the fact that everything felt annoying.

"_Then why are you calling?_" Phil didn't sound very convinced by what I was telling him.

"I don't know!" I almost cried out, frustrated. I didn't have a proper response to give him for any of his questions. I didn't know why I was calling; he couldn't do anything about it anyway. I didn't even know what to tell him was wrong, because nothing was wrong, really. But calling him was the only thing I knew how to do when I felt helpless.

"_Hey, calm down,_" Phil tried. "_Can you tell me what your blood pressure is?_"

I nodded slowly, knowing full well that he couldn't see me anyway. I carefully got to my feet and started walking towards the breakfast bar, where we'd left the monitor from that morning. I placed the phone down on the counter before wrapping the cold fabric around my upper arm.

"I'm gonna be quiet for a moment…" I warned, so he wouldn't get worried from me not saying anything for the next few seconds.

I clicked the button and waited for the fabric to tighten around my skin, making my fingers tingle. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't pleasurable either. Now I just had to wait for it to beep.

"Normal," I mumbled as I unwrapped myself. "Better than this morning…" I sighed softly and turned around to head back to the sofa.

"_Okay... Okay, I think you should go take a nap if you can. Go to the bed instead. That's more comfortable._"

"I've tried sleeping already," I complained.

"_Yeah. But not in the bed, right?_"

"No."

"_Try that then. And call me again if something's wrong, okay? Promise me that?_"

"Yeah." I sighed and picked up all of my stuff from the couch to head to the bedroom.

* * *

><p>"<em>Okay, hang on for a sec...<em>" Phil mumbled hurriedly into the phone before I heard it being placed down on something. I guessed Phil had to be in the middle of dealing with a costumer. I always felt bad for calling him at work because I hated to interrupt him. It was especially rude in a situation like Phil's where he was dealing with costumers all the time.

But I had permission to call whenever I wanted to, and Phil had permission to leave and talk to me. It was easier to make agreements like that now that Phil knew both Chris and his dad—who owned the place—well. They understood our situation, so it wasn't a problem.

"_I'm here now, sorry._"

"C-come home…" I desperately sobbed, without crying properly. "Ph-Phil… Come h-home."

"_What happened?_" he asked in a loud, clear voice. I could hear him walking away from wherever he'd been standing to get somewhere quieter.

"Nothing h-happened." I still couldn't explain what was wrong. Maybe nothing was.

"_Did you sleep a little?_"

"Yeah, but..." I breathed heavily into the phone, not really knowing where to go from there. I let out a few helpless sobs.

"_Why are you crying? Dan?_"

"I-I'm not!" I whined, while rolling over on top of the bed. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't feel really bad, but I didn't feel okay either.

"_Hey, take it easy..._"

"J-just come h-home..." I begged as I drew the duvet over to fully cover my head. "Please."

"_Can it wait a little? We're really, really busy. And me and Chris are the only one here and—_"

"No… N-no." I pulled my covers back down—it was only making it worse. I had tried every possible way to get comfortable, without any luck at all.

"_Can you come to the coffee shop?_" Phil asked me. Just the thought of going outside in this weather was enough to make me cry properly. But if Phil couldn't get home, I had to come to him. I couldn't stand to be alone on a day like this where everything seemed weird and confusing.

"Y-yeah…" I got up and walked straight to the hallway to put on my boots, still in my sweatpants and oversized hoodie. My hair was all over the place from trying to sleep, but looking presentable was the last thing on my mind at the moment.

I zipped up my jacket and stepped out of the apartment. I locked the door behind me before heading to the lift.

"_Is it okay if I hang up now?_"

I froze in front of the door to the lift, just staring at it blankly.

"_Dan?_" Phil asked when I didn't responded.

This was too much to handle. This couldn't be happening now. My eyes began to water up while I continued to stare at the red sign with white letters that had been placed across the door on the lift, saying that it wouldn't be running for the next two hours because of a security check.

"C-c-come home Ph-Phil…" I begged, my voice thick. I had a hard time forming understandable words as I started crying properly. "The l-lift i-is not working…" I cried. The letters in front of me were turning blurry and impossible to read as tears formed in my eyes, soon to overflow.

"_What?_"

"The lift's not w-working!" I tried to make myself sound clear through my sobs, but failed. "And I can't take the s-stairs…" I started backing away from the lift to go back inside our flat.

I gave up on trying to stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I didn't like this; Phil had to come home.

"_Okay. Dan, calm down. I'm leaving now, okay? I'll be there as fast as I can. Go back inside and sit down. Just take it easy..._"

I did as I was told and unlocked the door again. Kicking off my shoes and wriggling off my jacket, I stumbled my way into the lounge.

"B-but you're busy…" I tried to sound like I cared, when I really didn't. I knew I was taking him away from his job on a busy day, leaving Chris alone, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I needed Phil here, no matter what he was doing.

"_It's okay, Dan. Don't think about it. Twenty minutes and I'll be there._"

I sniffed in understanding before he hung up.

* * *

><p>I was curled up on the sofa when I heard the door being clicked open out in the hallway. I hadn't moved at all since Phil told me he would come home. I didn't know what to do anyway. I was too uncomfortable to even think about playing video games or going on the internet.<p>

"Dan?" Phil called through the house. "Where are you?" I didn't have energy to answer his question, and it wasn't like I could go missing in a small apartment like this, so I stayed completely still, eyes closed, just waiting for him to find me.

"Is it just a horrible day?" he suddenly whispered from right beside me. I didn't even notice him coming into the room.

I sniffed in surprise and forced myself to take a proper look at him. He was still wearing his jacket. His cheeks were slightly red from the cold air, making me silver slightly just by the thought of being outside.

I uncurled myself and sat up in front of him. Phil took a small step backwards, giving me space to place my legs on the floor. I didn't take my gaze away from his as I did. I could see the concern in his eyes by the way his eyebrows were drawn together while he followed my movements.

Unsteadily, I got to stand before lazily wrapping my arms around Phil, seeking comfort.

"What is it, Dan?" he whispered into the side of my neck as he held me close.

"Nothing..." I sighed softly.

Phil loosened his grip around me to lift up my chin so he could look me in the eyes. I was still holding my arms around his waist.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know." I forced my chin out of his hand to avoid eye contact and rested my head down on his chest instead. I heard Phil sighing deeply as he gave me a quick squeeze.

"Can I take my jacket off?" he mumbled.

"Hmm..." I breathed out and let go of him, leaving myself standing in the middle of the lounge while he took of his jacket.

Phil walked back to me and looked me over carefully, letting his eyes travel across my face before placing a hand flat down on my forehead. I leaned into the touch, not sure if I liked it or not. Phil let his fingers stroke down my cheek until he reached the side of my neck and gently pressed down, waiting a moment before pulling back.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, once he was done touching me.

"Tired." Tired was the only thing I could say really, as tired was the only thing I was feeling. Nothing was hurting and the blood pressure was fine. I felt fine.

"Come on." Phil guided me back to the couch and forced me to sit down. "I'm going to use the nitroglycerin spray on you, okay? Is it in your jacket?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

Phil nodded determinedly and went for the spray as I sat back down. I buried my face in my palms, frustrated, just wishing that this horrible day would be over so we could move on.

Phil entered the room once more holding the object in his hand. He kneelt down in front of me, smiling caringly.

"Open your mouth and lift your tongue," he commanded as he held his hand underneath my chin to keep my head still. He clicked the bottle once out in the air to make sure it worked before he sprayed it under my tongue.

"Done." He smiled and slowly pulled his hand back. A sudden rush of heat surged throughout my whole body, making my head spin slightly. I just focused on taking deep breaths—it would fade away soon. The spray was meant to lower blood pressure. I was allowed to use it as many times as I wanted. It helped sometimes if I was feeling uncomfortable, but I hadn't really used it that much lately.

"Okay?" Phil nudged my shoulder gently to get my attention.

"Hmm. Fine," I assured him in a small voice. The feeling had subsided a little, only leaving a nearly slight headache, but that soon would disappear too.

"I'm going to find every duvet and pillow we own and then we can make a nest on the sofa, okay?"

"Okay." I opened my eyes just to watch him walk out.

"Want to watch something?" Phil asked me once we'd gotten comfortable in the couch, me leaning against him while resting my head on top of his chest. I felt a little better about the whole situation now that Phil was here. It made me feel safe and that made me relax.

"I don't care." I probably wouldn't be able to focus properly on anything anyway, so Phil could decide what he wanted and meanwhile I'd just be curling up against his side, trying to sleep.

Phil clicked the remote to find something interesting while I just let myself slide further down until my head was on top of Phil's duvet covered lap. Phil started moving his hand up and down my side. I breathed in relief, finally able to get some peace.

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><p>I woke up feeling weird and nauseous, definitely a lot worse than I've felt in months. This was wrong, and the more I woke up, the more scared I got. I did my best to stay completely still, hoping that it would subside a little.<p>

"Ph-Phil…" I muttered breathlessly into the corner of my duvet. Not even sure if he heard me properly, I tried to roll over in his lap to face him. I felt a rising sensation in my throat as I moved, so I forced myself to sit up quickly instead of lying down. But I regretted it instantly as the nausea only got a lot worse. My movements made me feel light-headed and my world slowly started to spin in front of me.

"What's wrong?" I heard Phil's voice—nervous and slightly confused.

I only groaned loudly in response and made sure my head was over the edge of the sofa in case I got sick. I felt Phil press his body up against mine to keep my balance while supporting my head so I wouldn't fall over. I could hear he was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying.

I couldn't really concentrate on him either since I was busy not throwing up. My breathing was starting to speed up really badly and it became harder and harder to breathe as each second went by. A tightening feeling started to fill my chest and I pressed my hand hard against it, knowing full well that it wouldn't help at all.

Everything felt surreal; it was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. A nightmare involving people standing on my chest or keeping me under water with no chances of escape, no matter how much I wanted it or how hard I tried. There was no going back.

My vision blurred and every sound seemed far away—locked out. I heard Phil saying something, but I didn't understand him. The only thing my mind could concentrate on was breathing, but it was like my body had forgotten how to do even that.

"Ph-Phi.. Call 999…" I squeaked out and pressed harder against my chest, trying somehow to get some relief from the building pain that was radiating through my chest and out to my entire body. It was like someone kept tightening their grip around my heart; it desperately tried to keep beating but they wouldn't let it. The pressure just got bigger and bigger, like it was going to explode at the end. It was pounding so fast that it was making all my muscles numb and my ears ring. I couldn't feel my hands or legs properly anymore because the blood wasn't going fast enough to reach them. My heart simply could not keep up.

"_999… 999,_" I repeated over and over, not sure if he could even hear me as I couldn't really hear myself.

Phil's hands were all over my body and I heard him shouting loudly at me, but I was unable to respond. I breathed out and felt myself relax completely in his arms, letting go of my chest because I had no powers left. I knew I was having a heart attack and I couldn't do anything about it.

Not even knowing where I was, everything became dark and completely silent.

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><p><strong>AN: **Please continue! ^^


	11. Chapter 11

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 11

**Summary about chapter 11:** (They're 18 years old) Just read chapter 10, then you'll find out what's going on.

**A/N: **Still an amazing story..(; _From this chapter and further on will contain heavy angst! (No major triggers, don't worry.)_

**Words: **5.266

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><p><strong>Phil -<strong>

"What's wrong?" I asked nervously. I quickly sat up and repositioned myself so that I was beside Dan, and grabbed a hold around his torso to keep him from falling forward off the sofa.

"Dan, what's wrong?" I asked again, a little louder this time. But he only groaned in response, unable to form words. Still trying to hold his body up in a sitting position, I moved to kneel in front of him, trying to get a better view. He was staring blankly into the air, clearly in a lot of pain. His eyes focused straight ahead without looking at anything in particular.

"Hey, calm down and talk to me. Deep breaths, Dan. Follow me," I told him in a loud, clear voice. I lifted up his chin to get eye contact, but I got no response. It was like he couldn't even see me.

I tried focusing on talking deep breaths in the hopes that he would follow me. I was used to dealing with high blood pressure, although this seemed a lot worse than usual since I couldn't get any response from him. If it was his blood pressure, then I needed to get his breathing down. I could try and use the spray on him one more time—that would probably lower his heart rate—but he seemed too out of it to cooperate long enough for that to work.

"Erhm..." I was desperately searching my mind for a solution, but I'd run out. I started to shake as I realised I was helpless at this point, unable to make him feel better.

I unsteadily placed two fingers to the side of his neck and pressed down, but I could barely feel his pulse. It was going too fast, but only superficially—not nearly pounding hard enough. While trying to keep him sitting up, I pulled out my phone and dialed 999 without any further questions since he'd already been feeling off. When it started ringing, I put the phone on speaker before placing it down on the coffee table, making it possible for me to put my full attention on helping Dan the best I could.

"Ph-Phi... Call 999..." Dan said desperately, through strenuous breaths. He started shaking violently in front of me and both of his hands were pressed hard against his chest while he moved restlessly back and forth in my grip.

"I'm already on it," I assured him nervously. But he didn't seem to register it at all. I'd never been in a situation like this. Sure, I'd dealt with him when he was sick and in pain, but this was a whole other thing. This was that kind of stuff his parents used to deal with, but now it was my responsibility. His parents had trusted me enough to let him come with me, and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him.

I told the operator that I needed an ambulance and waited anxiously to be patched through. I was freaking out, but I couldn't let Dan know that and make him even more scared.

"_Hello. What is the nature of your emergency?_" I finally heard a woman's voice ask through the phone behind me.

"My name's Phil Lester and s-something's w-wrong with my friend. He-he's a heart patient," I cried out desperately in the direction of the phone. This seemed so surreal; I couldn't really comprehend that it was actually happening. He'd passed out in my company before, sure, but it was nothing like this. Not even close. That time, his pulse was fine, his breathing was fine, and he was just unconscious. Nothing was fine now.

I tried the best I could to explain our situation—where we were and who Dan was (as he was a known heart patient)—to the dispatcher. Dan only seemed to get worse as each second went by. He was as pale as snow and almost slippery to the touch because he was sweating so much. I was shaking so much that just keeping my hands on him was nearly impossible.

"N-no. I can't get any response from h-him," I stuttered while still trying to catch eye contact. But he couldn't focus, not even on himself.

"_Is he still breathing?_"

"Y-yeah, he's still breathing, but... it's really shallow." I could hear he was breathing and I could feel it a little bit when I held my hand in front of his mouth, but it wasn't nearly enough. His lips had turned a light shade of blue while clear mucus was running out of his mouth.

Dan started moaning with each breath, but if it was because he was trying to tell me something or just because he was in so much pain, I couldn't tell. The only thing I knew was that we needed to work fast.

But before I got to explain any further, Dan went limp and fell forward into my arms.

I froze on my feet, eyes wide open, unable to move while I held Dan loosely to my chest. His arms hung numbly at his side, lifeless, not moving at all. His noises had stopped and the room became silent.

"_What's going on?_" The dispatcher's voice jolted me out of my trance and I knew that this was a matter of seconds.

Feeling as though I was working in slow motion, I pulled us both up to standing, Dan's weight only feeling like a feather to me at this point. I dragged him past the coffee table before placing him flat down on a clear space on the floor.

"I-I think he's h-having a heart attack," I muttered, hoping it was loud enough for her to hear. "I think he's having a heart attack!" was all I kept repeating over and over. My world suddenly seemed locked out and the only thing I could hear was my own heavy breathing. After all those years of worrying, it was finally happening. Just like in all of my worst nightmares. _Dan was having a heart attack._

My mind was screaming at me to move—do something, anything—but I was paralysed. It was like my mind and my body were two individuals, working independent of each other, unable to cooperate.

Sitting on my knees beside him, I stayed still, desperately trying to remember what I'd learned during the many first aid courses I'd taken throughout the years.

"_Phil?_" her voice called from behind me. It was like being picked up out of water, finally able to understand the world again. "_Can you tell me what's happening?"_

"He's not breathing," I muttered quietly, only loud enough for me to hear. "He's not breathing." I started panicking as it slowly dawned on me what was happening. _Dan was not breathing._

"_Phil, I need you to tell me what's going on,"_ the lady spoke again.

"H-he's not breathing!" I shouted as I jumped up.

"_Do you know CPR? Phil?_"

The word CPR circled around my head, but even my own name sounded strange and unrecognisable. _Did I even know CPR?_

"Y-yes! Yes, I d-do!" I'd been to numerous first aid courses throughout the period I'd known Dan since there was a big chance that this situation might happen someday. I thought I'd be fine with it because I was prepared. But no amount of training in the world could've prepared me for the terror of that moment. Things are never as you'd expect them to be.

"_Okay, good. Now, Phil, I need you to stay calm and don't hang up. I'm going to talk you through it. The ambulance is already on its way—don't worry. Is he laying flat on the floor?_"

"Yes!" I hurriedly replied as I looked Dan over.

"_Good. Tilt his head back and start with the rescue breaths. Two breaths and then thirty compressions, understand?_"

I did as I was told. _It's just like the classes,_ I told myself as I tried to remember what I'd learned.

Even though my brain was a mess, my muscles seemed to remember what to do and I just followed my instincts. Having a mind of their own, my hands started working automatically on his chest, pushing down hard and in a fast rhythm.

"Come… on…" I whispered harshly, through clenched teeth. I wasn't sure if I was doing the compressions right—I was probably doing them too hard—but at this point we had nothing to lose. I couldn't make it worse no matter what I did.

My eyes were locked on Dan's face, but it was hard to see anything as they kept watering up. I sniffed hard, trying to stop myself. Now was not the time for this. I had to focus; I was the only lifeline Dan had until the medics arrived.

The dispatcher was still trying to talk to me, but my mind was somewhere completely different, working on its own and just concentrating on Dan. My hands moved automatically, as if Dan were just one of the CPR manikins I'd practiced on and this was just another class. If I had time to think, I'm sure I would've been exhausted, but I didn't even have the luxury of thought.

I finally heard our front door being clicked open after what seemed like forever. "In here!" I yelled through strenuous breaths. I glanced up from Dan and out in front of me as three paramedics entered the lounge pushing a stretcher, which held a cardiac monitor and a defibrillator, along with a bag of medication.

Someone told me to move out of the way. After hesitating for a second, I got to my feet and moved towards the breakfast bar. It was probably better to get me out of way—they knew what they were doing much better than I did.

I watched as two of the medics cut open Dan's hoodie before continuing CPR on him. The other began connecting the machines to his chest. I could see that Dan's skin was flushed red where I'd been pushing down.

I suddenly felt sick. Sick to the point of vomiting. My vision began to blur like I was going to pass out any minute, and after a few seconds, my whole body went numb and my fingers started to tingle. My limbs felt like noodles as the adrenalin started fading away.

Without really deciding to, I turned around on my feet, facing our messy kitchen rather than Dan. I couldn't look any longer. It was all too real and too close. Dan could die in the middle of our apartment and it would be my fault.

I placed my hands on the countertop to keep my balance while leaning slightly over the sink in case I got sick. My mouth kept watering up and an unpleasant rising feeling filled my throat.

Closing my eyes, I tried to block out the world and get my mind somewhere else, just focusing on taking deep breaths and keeping it together. I couldn't get sick now. The medics shouldn't be dealing with me too; this was all about Dan.

I jumped a bit as someone suddenly placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Is this yours?" A women held out my phone kindly.

I stretched out my arm unsteadily to take it from her. "Y-yes… Thanks," I stuttered, and clung hard to the phone in my hand, making my knuckles turn a shade of white.

"Your name's Phil, right?" She was talking so calmly that we might as well have been chatting at the shops rather than waiting for the medics to resuscitate my best friend.

"Right." I was still facing in the other direction, away from Dan. My hands were holding onto the counter to keep myself standing.

I heard them use the defibrillator, which made my heart fall to my stomach and my breathing speed up until I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I was trained to use one of them too, but just the thought of hundreds of volts of electricity surging through Dan's body made me want to cry.

"Can you show me Dan's medication?" she asked.

"Yeah of course." But the voice was only happening inside my head—no sound was coming out. My whole world had turned upside down when Dan stopped breathing. Nothing was working for me and I couldn't control it.

"Phil?"

"Yes," I mumbled under my breath while my body automatically took a step towards the cupboard in which his medication was stored. "Here." I handed her everything, but my mind was blank, like my body was moving on its own while my brain was standing still.

"When did it start? Has he been feeling bad all day?"

"He felt fine this morning. The blood pressure was high, but it lowered throughout the day. Then, he was feeling weird, but—" I cut myself off, not wanting to talk about it. No matter how I turned it in my head, it always came back to being my own fault.

"He hasn't had a heart attack before, correct?" she asked, carefully looking over the different bottles and boxes.

"No, never."

"Is he allergic to anything?"

"No," I answered simply. She gave me a quick smile, turned around, and walked back to Dan and the two other medics on the floor, leaving me alone.

"We have a pulse."

That sentence made me spin around on my heels, back to facing Dan. The lady I'd been talking to was now rolling the stretcher closer while I carefully watched the numbers on the monitor climbing. Dan's chest rose and fell almost invisibly and in an unsteady rhythm, but he was breathing—I could tell from the fog in the oxygen mask wrapped around his head. Besides that, he looked unconscious. I wanted to feel relieved, but this wasn't even close to be over yet.

The medics carefully lifted Dan onto the stretcher along with the machines that were connected to his chest. I nervously stepped closer, unwillingly holding my breath, not really knowing what to expect.

"Let's get going," one of the men announced. I stood, lost, in the middle of the room, just watching as they quickly pushed Dan out while the woman made sure that every used needle and piece of equipment was coming with them.

"Come on." She gave me a friendly smile and guided me out to the hallway, where I put on my shoes and jacket to get ready to leave the house.

"You're sitting in the front seat," one of the medics informed me once we were downstairs and out in the cold afternoon air. It was already slightly dark and the sky was grey, like it would start raining at any moment. Or even snowing.

People where walking past us, looking curious. I laughed silently to myself. The world was just continuing to function as normal, like nothing had happened. But then I didn't know what I'd been expecting—that the rest of the world would just stop just because ours had?

I got into the ambulance, buckled my seatbelt, and waited for us to leave. It was the first time I had to sit in the front and it made me nervous. The times I'd ridden in the ambulances with Dan's mum, I'd always been in the back with him. It was the first time I couldn't look at Dan on the way to the hospital. Maybe he was scared too, or maybe he was feeling too bad to notice my absence.

My whole body tightened as we started driving. It was a lot more terrifying, sitting in the front. True, I was safer sitting in a proper seat, but seeing the world pass by at this speed scared me. We weren't exactly obeying the speed limit.

"Adam, slow down a bit," one of the medics yelled to what I guessed had to be the driver. "He's having another one."

"What?" I mumbled in confusion. I turned around to try to get a look at what was going on behind me, but the people were blocking the way so the only thing I was able to see was the top of Dan's head.

I panicked. He was having another heart attack and I couldn't even see what they were doing to him. I had lost all control of the situation and was relying blindly on people I didn't know.

"Phil, was it?" I heard the driver ask.

My breathing was so sped up that I couldn't really answer him, so I only grunted in response to let him know what he was right.

"What does Dan do? Is he going to school?" he asked calmly.

I had to rack my brain to even remember what he was doing. "He does p-plays. Th-theatre..." I stuttered.

"Theatre? Is he good at it?"

"Hmm..." I breathed out. He was trying to get my mind off the situation by forcing me to talk, but it wasn't really working.

"What do you do?"

"I w-work at a coffee s-shop dow—" But I got cut off by the sound of the defibrillator, making me jump almost a foot in the air. Closing my eyes, I pressed myself hard against my seat while holding onto the sides. It was like being shot, but they weren't even touching me.

The medic continued to talk to me the rest of the way to the hospital, after the others told him that he could speed up. Knowing that Dan was awake again didn't stop me from panicking. His heart could still stop again before we got to the hospital.

After another minute, we pulled over outside of the hospital, and before I knew what was going on, Dan was already out and being rushed inside. Not long after, a nurse came to guide me to a waiting area.

"No, no, I have to go with him," I protested, wriggling myself out of her grip.

"It's not something you want to see," she told me calmly.

"What are they doing to h-him?" I slurred, sounding almost drunk.

"How about you sit down for a bit and I'll bring you something to drink?"

I wanted to protest—scream at her, tell her that I needed to be with Dan. But I didn't even get the chance to move before the door was being closed in front of me, blocking the only chance I had to see him.

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><p>They told me to go home—that I couldn't do anything anyway and that they didn't know when he was going to wake up again. I hadn't gotten the chance to see him, to tell if he was okay before I got put in a taxi and sent home to pack a few things that Dan would need. They wouldn't even allow me in the room with him yet.<p>

I stumbled into the flat. The lights were still on and for a second I forgot that Dan wasn't there. It was just like coming home after a normal day at work. I could hear the sound of the television coming from the other room, and everything seemed as it should be.

Drugged by my own thoughts, I slowly continued through the flat and into the lounge. There, was nothing was like it should be. Our duvets were strewn about the floor, along with a glass of water that had been knocked off the table at some point. The carpet underneath the table was crooked and all our remotes were now spread out on the floor. Everything was out of place.

The whole scene fell over me once more and my eyes began to water up, blurring my world in front of me. I didn't even try to stop them this time; I couldn't have, even if I'd tried. And I had permission to break down now that I was alone with my own thoughts. We'd done everything to prevent a heart attack from happening, but it had happened anyway and it wasn't fair. He was only eighteen years old.

Working by themselves, my feet started leading me back out of the lounge. My breathing speed up the more I started crying and it made me feel sick and helpless.

I ran the rest of the way towards the bathroom. I collapsed down on floor in front of toilet just in time to be sick into the bowl. Dan had almost died in this house and I needed to get out of it—it was haunting me. It wasn't the same when he wasn't here, and I didn't have a clue when he would get back… or even if he _would_ get back.

My body was leaning numbly against the toilet, my head resting down on the seat while I breathed heavily, trying to resist the urge to just shut down and sleep for hours. I was exhausted, but I was also meant to be back at the hospital. But I couldn't move. I was shaking all over, which made it hard to focus on anything else besides crying.

I don't know for how long I was sat there on the floor, but it felt like hours, even though it was probably not more than fifteen minutes. I flushed the toilet, wiped my mouth, and forced myself to sit up straight against cold bathroom wall behind me, taking a minute to calm down and get my mind under control. I hid my face in my palms and rested my elbows on my knees, keeping my head up.

I let out a shaky breath, trying to remember what the doctor had told me. I was supposed to call someone when I got home, so I took out my phone from my pocket and dialled my mum's number, not knowing who else to contact.

"_Hey Phil,_" she greeted happily.

"M-mum…" I sobbed, not even trying to stop the tears. "S-something h-happened."

"_What happened sweetie?_" she asked, changing tone.

"I-it's Dan..." Was the only thing I managed to squeak out. She became silent. My mum knew all too well that if Dan was the reason I called her, it had to be about something serious. He'd been around our house since we were kids and my mum had learned to deal with his condition so that he'd been allowed to stay over on weekends. Dan had even been with us on holiday when we were twelve. He was like another son to my parents, just like I was to Dan's.

"H-he had a—" I stopped to take a deep breath, trying to get my voice under control so I could make myself understandable. "He had a heart attack." I covered my eyes with my free hand and pressed my palm hard against them while holding back sobs. "Dan's at th-the hospital."

"_Where are you?_" she hurriedly asked me.

"I'm at h-home..."

"_And how's Dan?_"

"I don't know!" I cried. "He's in a coma, I think… I don't know! Th-they wanted to control his breathing a-and… He wasn't a hundred percent stable yet. And it's all my fault!"

"_Shh, Phil. How can any of this be your fault?_" She tried to sound calm, but I could hear that she was almost as nervous as I was. She was just controlling it better.

"I should have noticed m-mum! He'd been feeling weird all day but everything seemed fine and I did nothing and then it was too late!"

"_You couldn't know it would lead to a heart attack, Phil. No one could. It wasn't your fault. Like you said, everything seemed fine. You couldn't have prevented it._"

"But…" I began, followed by a quick explanation of what happened so she would understand. But no matter how I thought about it, it was still my fault. Nothing could change that. I was the one meant to look after him, and I'd failed to do so.

"_What did the hospital tell you to do?_"

"Go home and pack some st-tuff. Then get back…" I dried my eyes and cheek with my sleeve, hoping I would stop crying. It certainly didn't help anything.

"_Do you want me to come over?_" my mum asked calmly.

I thought about it for a second, but answered, "No. I'm gonna take a shower and then head back to the hospital as soon as I c-can," I sniffed.

"_Okay… Okay, that's fine. You can call me whenever you feel like—remember that. What about Dan's parents?_"

"The hospital called them, I think... I'm not ready to talk to them just yet," I explained as I unsteadily pulled myself up to stand.

"_That's okay. Do you want me to call them?_"

"Yeah... If y-you want." All energy had left my body at that moment, and it felt like I could sleep for at least a year. All my muscles were aching, so just standing up felt like running a marathon.

"_I'll call later, okay? Take care of yourself, Phil. Just take it easy. Everything is going to be alright._"

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><p>It was late evening when I once again pushed the door open to the hospital. My heart was beating in my throat from pure nervousness. I didn't know what to expect or what information I would receive. They'd told me they would call if something happened, and I'd heard nothing all the time I was home. I assured myself that it was because nothing had changed from when I'd left.<p>

I cleared my throat before turning to the lady behind the desk. "I'm here for Daniel Howell," I said, a little quieter than intended because I was so nervous. I had finally calmed down enough to keep it together. Dan had been through a lot already and he shouldn't wake up feeling sorry just because I was crying.

She looked up from her computer and smiled politely at me. "Wait in the chairs over there, then someone will come get you in a minute."

"Okay." I turned around, ready to go to the chairs, but turned back again. A question had been haunting my mind ever since I left a few hours ago. "Do you know if he's alright?" I begged. She probably didn't, but I was burning to know.

"No, I'm sorry. You'll have to wait for the nurse," she smiled again. It looked comforting, but I couldn't help but think that she didn't care at all.

Sighing softly, I walked over to the blue and red chairs to wait.

The seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours, sitting in the chair. My foot was bouncing up and down on the floor, making my whole leg shake along with it. I had sat far too often in chairs like this, just waiting, not knowing if it would be good news or bad news. But today I didn't question whether it was good or bad; I already knew it'd be bad.

"Philip Lester?"

My head shot up at the sound of my name and I quickly got to my feet.

"That's me." I started walking in the direction of a blond lady in white scrubs. She must've been here last time because she looked familiar. She smiled widely while stretching out her arm to lead me down the hall.

"You're allowed to go see him now, but I have to warn you, it might look a little... extreme," she began.

I'd seen Dan in the hospital multiple times so it was highly unlikely that something could surprise me. But then again, he'd never had a heart attack before.

"He's not a hundred percent stable so we're helping him breathe for a little while until we get his heart rhythm back to normal. We hope that he'll wake up in the morning, but—"

"You hope?" I cut her off, stopping walking. "What do you mean hope?"

"There's a chance he might have some brain damage from the lack of oxygen to his brain during the heart attacks. We can't be completely sure at this point." She drew her eyebrows together, looking truly sorry at me. "The numbers look fine at the moment, Phil. But there's still a chance. We'll run him through some tests when he wakes up, but we can already see that his heart function is down almost fifteen percent and we don't know if it will stay there or go lower… Probably not, but we don't know yet."

I froze in the middle of the corridor.

"We can't tell how his body is going to react to it at the moment. A doctor will tell you more about it tomorrow once we get the results of the blood tests back. Normally we won't let people in here at this time, but we're going to make an exception for you."

My mind was blank. This was a lot to take in at once and my brain couldn't process it all, so I just stopped thinking and started following her again until we reached an open door on our left. The lights were just bright enough for me to spot a figure lying almost naked on top of the only bed in the room.

The familiar beeping sound filled my ears as I stepped further into the dimly lit room. My eyes travelled around it, scanning the different machines. It looked like all the other times Dan had been hospitalised, but a new machine had been added to the others. An oxygen pump was stood beside the cardiac monitor. I followed the tubes with my eyes. The visible tube ended at Dan's mouth and then continued all the way down his throat, helping him breath better than a normal mask could. I didn't like the sight of it, but it was for the best. New tubes had also been added to different places than normal, providing him with medication and liquids. He was almost completely hid behind wires, hoses and tubes.

"I'm going to be right outside if you need something or have questions," the nurse whispered, and squeezed my shoulder quickly as she walked passed me.

"Thank you." I kept my voice low too, knowing full well that no matter how loud I talked, I couldn't wake Dan up. But it felt calming talking quietly anyway, like he was just sleeping normally.

She walked out, leaving the door open and me standing alone. I took a few deep breaths, trying to take in my new surroundings and adjust to the sight of Dan lying stretched out on the bed, both arms, still, against his sides. His chest was covered in blue wires, tracking his heart rate.

I carefully dragged a chair to his bedside. This was probably going to be the longest night of my life, not knowing if he was going to be okay. But no matter what happened, I wouldn't take my eyes off of him before he woke up.

I sat down unsteadily and took his left hand in mine, just to sit back and watch his chest rise and fall slowly and steadily. He looked paler than normal, now that I could get a closer look. Underneath the wires, I could spot blue and yellow bruises from the CPR. A lump formed in my throat; _I did that to him_.

"I am so sorry, Dan. I am so, so incredibly sorry..." I started tearing up as the words left my mouth. "This wasn't meant to happen to you. N-nothing was meant to ha-happen to you. Ever. And it's all my fa-fault... P-please forgive me."

And just like that, our future was once again blurry and unpredictable.

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><p><strong>AN: **bring tissues for chapter 12


	12. Chapter 12

****I'll heal the hole in your heart ****chapter 12

**Summary about chapter 12:** (They're 18 years old) Just read chapter 11, then you'll find out what's going on.

**A/N: **A* story right here! _From this chapter and further on will contain heavy angst! (No major triggers, don't worry.)_

**Words: **4.656

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><p><strong>Dan »<strong>

I was lying on my back, just staring blankly out in front me and breathing heavily. I was surrounded by the familiar sounds of the machines, which indicated that I was alive and awake. Every noise seemed to cut into my brain and each breath felt like knives in my chest, like I'd been hit by a car. Or even multiple cars. At least two of my ribs were broken—I could tell even though I didn't know for sure yet. I didn't know what to feel. It was the first time I had woken up in a hospital feeling this bad. Usually it was the other way around; I would be feeling this bad at home and then be taken to hospital. I felt nauseous and light-headed, and I was so confused so I couldn't think straight. I blamed the medication that was flowing through my veins for that, but I couldn't be sure.

I was too young for this. Lying paralysed, trapped in my own body, just staring out into space and feeling like this.

I seemed to be completely alone in the room, but I couldn't know for sure. My ears were ringing and my vision was so blurry that everything just a few feet away looked like clouds—I couldn't really see anything. With slow, weak movements, I turned my head down to get a look at myself. I had an IV in both of my hands, but only one was being used. Instead, a tube was attached to a vein in my arm, allowing the medications access to my body. Besides the blanket covering my legs, I was completely naked. But I couldn't bring myself to care.

My gaze travelled to the familiar wires on my chest. I followed them to the side to get a look at the monitor at my bedside, trying to make out the blurry numbers going up and down. It was giving me a headache, having my eyes open for too long. Closing them again, I turned back to facing straight ahead and just concentrated on absorbing the oxygen coming from the cannula in my nose.

I couldn't remember how long I'd been lying there; my mind was just as blurry as my vision. What had happened before I woke up, I couldn't tell, but I'd already guessed it that it was my heart. Like it was whenever I woke up in a hospital bed, staring at a white ceiling.

I'd been through a couple of tests already, but I didn't have strength enough to ask any other questions, besides finding out it'd been a heart attack. I just let them do whatever they wanted and lay still, not even pulling a face when they stuck the needles into my arms or put me through the scans.

I heard approaching voices from outside of my room. Exhausted, I moved my attention towards the door. My whole world was moving in slow motion—it was like being in a constant daze, surrounded by clouds.

The one who, from the outline of his hair, I guessed had to be Phil stepped into the room first, shortly followed by a man dressed in white. I figured he had to be the doctor, but I couldn't tell at that distance.

My eyes followed Phil as he walked to one side of my bed, opposite from the doctor. He gave me a small smile, but I could tell it was fake. It was clear that he'd been crying. His eyes were all red and puffy and his cheeks were slightly flushed. Under his eyes, he had dark circles, telling that he'd been awake for longer than was healthy.

"Hey," he whispered, his voice sounding broken. I wanted to return his greeting, but I couldn't get myself to speak. Instead I blinked slowly in response, letting him know that I'd heard him.

"Hello Daniel," the doctor greeted in a low voice from the other side of the bed.

I sighed softly at his tone before turning my head a bit to face him.

"How are you feeling? That was quite a trip you went on there." He smiled caringly down at me. I couldn't see the point in describing how I felt. From the way I looked, it was pretty obvious how I was feeling.

He bent over me to shine a flashlight into my eyes. Normally that would hurt my eyes and cause them to water up, but I couldn't really feel it this time. But at that point, I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Is your vision coming back?" he asked as he sat down in the chair.

I nodded once, assuring him that is was. Slowly but surely, I was starting to see again.

"That's good." He smiled, but stayed silent for a little bit while I continued to stare at him. I knew he was about to tell me bad news. Phil seemed to already know what he was going to say—now it was my turn.

"Okay," he began with a sigh. It was probably for the best that I couldn't really see his or Phil's facial expressions. It felt less serious, not knowing how the others were reacting. "Let's start with some news that isn't about your heart first. Your brain didn't suffer any damage, which is the most important thing. It might be a day or two before you can see and hear one hundred percent again, but it should come back. Your reflexes are fine and your blood count is also fine."

He gave me a quick smile before his face turned back to serious. "Your heart, however, suffered more damage. You went into cardiac arrest multiple times, which was extremely hard on your heart. Unfortunately, this means that your heart is very weak now… It won't be able to sustain the same level of stress you've been putting on it recently. It's simply not strong enough."

He paused for a bit. "Your heart function is down fifteen percent due to the heart failure. Some people can live with that, but because you've been ill your whole life, your heart will not be able to maintain function indefinitely. It's been too weak for too long, Dan…"

I closed my eyes, trying to understand what he was telling me and not really sure if I wanted to hear the rest of it.

"So… you're saying… th-that I'm dying?" I asked weakly. It was the first time I'd spoke properly since I'd woke up and just forming the words was a battle.

"Dan, don't…" Phil interrupted gently.

"B-but that's what is m-means, right?" I stopped to breathe. Every single syllable hurt my chest. I just wanted to keep quiet, but I needed to know. "However nicely you phrase it… it doesn't change the fact… that I-I'm dying." I was scared to open my eyes. I didn't want to cry, but I didn't want to sound angry either.

The doctor was silent for a while, then he exhaled deeply. "Yes. It does," he said.

"H-how long?" I slowly opened my eyes back up at looked at him; I wanted him to tell the truth. All this talking was so painful and it was making me breathe faster. "Y-you can tell m-me."

"Probably a year. Maybe two years if nothing changes."

I nodded slowly, not talking my gaze off of him, feeling my eyes starting to burn from the tears.

"Our heart service team have approved you for a heart transplant. Your odds are good because you're so young. When you're feeling a bit better, we'll start the process and you'll get a therapist along with a specialised doctor to help you through it until you get a donor."

He looked kindly at me. "We'll tell you more about it later—this is a lot to take in at once. But we don't know when we're going to get a match. It can take months—even years. This means that you'll have to carry an oxygen tank from now on to make sure your heart gets as much oxygen as possible to help the blood circulate the best we can. You must avoid putting any stress on it, Dan. Not at all, I'm sorry."

"C-can I be alone? Pl-please?" It was impossible to hold the tears back any longer. There were too many.

They did as I asked, leaving me with my own thoughts. I wasn't crying for myself—I'd always known that I was going to die young. But I was going to leave Phil. It was the thought of that that was hurting me the most. Phil had always told me that it was just a bad day—that it could be fixed. But this time it couldn't be fixed, and he knew.

I threw my hands up over my eyes and cried into the bandages covering my hand, wishing I'd never met Phil. That I just had kept being the weird kid in the back of the class, not hurting anyone. Phil shouldn't be around me. I was poison, causing only pain to everyone who dared to get close to me.

I wouldn't be able to do anything from now on. Even simple things like getting out of the apartment would be a big struggle. I knew what not being allowed to put any stress on my heart meant. It meant sitting in a wheelchair and being pushed around if I needed to go anywhere far. The play I'd been planning for months—the play I would have shown to Phil—I would have to cancel now. That was probably the worst because I was both letting PJ down, and letting myself down too by not being able to do it. I'd been looking forward to it ever since PJ had given me the opportunity.

It was like my heart was still beating, but my life had stopped.

* * *

><p>"How do you… see m-me now?" I said through strenuous breaths. I blinked up at Phil, struggling to keep my eyes open. We'd been sitting like this for a while now, just looking at each other, exchanging small nervous smiles. Phil was gently running his fingers through my hair, trying to make me feel comfortable while neither of us wanted to speak. But I'd finally decided to break the silence.<p>

"I see a beautiful boy lying in front of me," Phil started quietly, with a small smile. "But one who is very, very ill…" He paused and looked me in the eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he continued. I could tell that he didn't like my choice of conversation. "And who I failed to protect. I promised nothing bad would happen to him, but… look at you now…" he whispered thickly. "I promised your parents nothing would happening to you, a-and I broke that p-promise." The more he continued, the more slurred his voice became. Even though my vision was still blurry, I could still see that he was about to cry.

"How c-can you say… stuff like that?" I asked in a low voice. "If it wasn't for y-you I w-wouldn't even b-be here." I was difficult to make myself understandable, as I was a mix of pain and exhaustion, but Phil shouldn't be feeling like that. Nothing about this was even remotely close to being his fault.

"But I should have known… I should have brought you in e-earlier."

"Can you please… not b-blame yourself, Ph-Phil? I don't need t-that… Please," I begged.

He sighed deeply, but didn't say anything else. I carefully looked him over.

"Now, what do you s-see, Phil?" I asked again.

He took a few heavy breaths before he started. "I see a beautiful boy lying in front of me…" He choked out a quick laugh through sobs. "I see a person who doesn't just step back and give up, but sits up and fights no matter what he comes up against." He sniffed hard, trying to stop himself from crying. "And that is what makes me love you so much…" he trailed off.

I focused my full attention on him while unintentionally holding my breath, not sure where he was going with this.

"I love you so much, Dan."

"Please don't s-say that… Please don't."

"But it's true…" Phil leaned even closer towards me on the bed so I could get a full look at him.

"You can't love me, Ph-Phil…" My voice became shaky and my vision turned even blurrier than it had been. "You can't…" But the last words came out almost inaudibly due to the lump in my throat. My eyes soon overflowed and I felt the hot tears running down my cheeks. Phil couldn't love me. He deserved better. I was only good for causing pain and worry. "You c-can't love someone like me, Ph-Phil. I won't let you, I—"

"But I do—I really do. Nothing you say can make me change how I feel. Nothing. I'm sorry." He started running his fingers through my messy hair again, smoothing it away from my forehead in the process.

"But you don't know h-how l-long I have l-left…" I cried quietly. My stomach twisted and I started feeling sick to the point of vomiting. Saying it out loud made me realise the truth. I hadn't really thought about it before, but I'd have a last day. Everyone has a last day, of course, but mine was coming before I was ready for it.

"How would that matter? Love isn't about time, Dan." He paused for a moment while using his free hand to dry his eyes. "I still love chocolate bars, even though they end. Everything ends at some point, but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it while it's here."

I managed to choke out a laugh. "But you can just get a new chocolate bar. You can n-never get a new one of m-me."

"Then it's lucky that this one is so good that I'd never need another one…" Phil whispered. He slowly moved his fingers down my cheeks to wipe my tears away. "I won't ask for anything in return. I'm emotionally invested in you, Dan, and I love you, unconditionally. You can't change that. I'm still your best friend…" He sobbed.

Phil stayed still in front of me, just looking. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, but he was still smiling weakly.

"I'm your only friend." I breathed out with a lazy grin.

"True.." Phil's mouth spread into a small relieving smile as he managed to squeak out a laugh.

For a moment I got lost in his deep blue eyes blinking down on my. It was calming looking at them. It has always been calming..

"You'll get through this, okay? We'll get through this," he whispered softly.

I took a minute to catch my breath before I could answer. "I love you too…" I finally let myself say.

It felt good saying it after so long. And it was funny, because I'd always loved Phil and he'd always known in a way. We weren't scared of saying it—we were just waiting for the right time, when it came naturally. But this wasn't anywhere near how I'd expected it to be. It should have been perfect. Nothing about this was perfect, but I couldn't control reality. This was just how it was meant to be. "I'm so s-sorry, Phil… You don't deserve this. I—"

I cut myself off. I wanted to scream out in frustration, but I couldn't even move. "You don't know what you're doing to me, Phil. Do you?" I ended up whispering.

He slowly shook his head from side to side, not saying a word.

"I didn't think I would ever have a life… With someone, y'know? Someone who cared about me, for more than…" I stopped to breathe. "Just someone who could look through all _this_." I paused, using my bandaged hand to gesture at the machines and tubes connected to me. "And I don't know how you do it… I r-really don't know."

"I've always looked through that." He drew his thumb over the tube on my cheek. "I see the person behind the illness, because that person is so beautiful, so amazing, and so talented. Everything about you is beautiful… You're so much more than hospitals and white sheets. I've never met anyone like you and you surprise me all the time. Every day with you is different from yesterday."

I nodded slowly against his hand, not knowing what to respond.

"But you're making it difficult, Dan." He swallowed. "I can't just look through it anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. I'll try my very best—I promise—but it's not that easy anymore. I'll still see the person behind… but it's like the wall is broken now. And I'm so, so sorry."

* * *

><p><strong>Phil »<strong>

It had been a few hours since Dan fell asleep again, and I was sat there with nothing to do, just watching him for the whole time. But I was so tired. At this point, I had probably been awake for forty hours straight and I'd be surprised if my blood wasn't made out of pure coffee yet.

"Phil?"

The sound of my name pushed me out of my drowsiness and I opened my eyes, just to blink up at Dan's parents and brother standing in front of me.

"H-hey," I murmured in surprise, and unsteadily got to stand. Dan hadn't woken up yet, even though we were now four people in the room.

"Let's go outside," Mrs. Howell suggested quietly.

I followed her out. "I'm sorry I haven't called, I just—"

"Don't worry about it Phil. It's okay," she cut me off as she stepped closer. "The hospital and your mother both called, so it's fine." She smiled caringly. "No need to be sorry."

I breathed out in relief, although I wasn't sure what I'd been anxious about; I knew they wouldn't be mad. I just couldn't get myself to call them. I had too much to think about, and dealing with Dan's parents wasn't at the top of my priority list. Maybe it was selfish, but if I wasn't my mind would probably explode. I just couldn't handle anything more.

"I think you should go home and get some rest, Phil…" She gently pushed my fringe out of my face and gave me the most motherly smile I'd seen in a long time. "You look so tired."

"Oh god, _I am_ so tired." I smiled back a bit. "It was a long night." Tried was probably the wrong word. I felt feverish and sick, on top of tired. By body was aching all over and just standing here was making me feel dizzy.

"I'm so glad he has you." Her face spoke the truth; she was truly thankful. I knew I'd brought so many bright moments into Dan's life and their lives. With me, they were able to relax when things got rough with Dan. I could take over and stay with him in hospital whenever they needed a break. And I understood that having a son like Dan must be hard. Just having a _friend_ like Dan was hard, but for every sad and frustrating moment that he'd cost me, he'd given me just as many fantastic ones.

"There's something we've talked about…" She sighed, suddenly serious. "About Dan." She moved her gaze to Dan's father, who'd stepped out of the room to stand beside her. "Let's sit down?"

I couldn't quite figure out where this was going, but I didn't like the start of it.

"What is it?" I began nervously, sitting down on one of the chairs in the corridor.

"We're taking him home," she began gently. "We're taking Dan back with us to Wokingham once he's allowed to leave the hospital."

I was so tired and the information came as such a surprise that I couldn't think of anything to say. I just sat there, staring blankly at them.

"We talked to his doctor briefly when we got here and…" She paused and moved her gaze from her lap to focus her attention on me. "We won't let you go through that again, Phil. It's not because we don't trust you—because believe us, we do—we just don't want you to have to deal with that. It's too much for anyone, let alone an eighteen year old. You shouldn't have to have that responsibility."

"But I…"

"It's not fair for anyone. We're so thankful that you've been able to have him until now. But it's getting too much, I'm sorry."

I didn't agree with her, but I couldn't disagree with her either. She was right. It would probably be too much.

"It's not something we have to discuss right now but—"

"Just don't tell Dan," I cut her off, my tone determined. "You can't tell him that we've talked about this. Not before I've made up my mind." I needed to think about it, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to agree to something like that. I was too tired to make proper decisions.

She sighed. "Of course."

I walked out of the hospital feeling even more empty than when I'd walked in, even though now I knew that Dan was okay. His parents were right. It would be hard. But I couldn't even imagine a life without him. That picture didn't exist in my mind.

I decided to sleep on it first. But if I insisted on letting Dan stay, I didn't know how his parents would react: if they even believed that was safe enough, or if they already had made up their minds about this. I still had work to do. Dan could of course come with me, but I knew he didn't like that.

I stumbled into our apartment, exhausted, almost tripping over some shoes on my way inside. I still needed to clean the lounge, but I would probably need a week to build up enough energy to do that.

I sighed softly before throwing myself on top of the bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes. I would just have to put them on again later so it wouldn't be worth the struggle.

* * *

><p>My phone went off what seemed like only five minutes later. Just the notification sound felt like being hit in the head with a shovel. I woke up, confused, forgetting where I was for a moment or why I even was there.<p>

I fumbled with my phone, trying to see what time it was and what had woken me up. I'd fallen asleep with my contact lenses in, so my eyes were hurting enough to give me a headache. Dan had only been in hospital two days but I was already falling apart. And I had no clue when they'd release him again—it could be days… weeks even. Just thinking about it was enough to make me cry.

Dan's mum had sent me a text telling me that they'd left the hospital to go find something to eat. Dan had fallen asleep again after talking to them briefly.

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes to get a proper look around. It was evening already. My inner clock was completely messed up. But if Dan's family was gone, that meant that he was alone. Granted, he was probably still sleeping and he didn't mind waking up alone in hospital, since he'd done it so many times, but I still would rather be there for him.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed in an attempt to stand. All the aches and pains of the past few days came back as I did, making me groan. Now I just needed to get the rest of the way to the hospital.

Walking down the hospital corridor, I heard voices coming from Dan's room. I guessed it was probably his parents talking to him, but then I remembered that Dan's family was out, so it couldn't be them.

"What's happening?" I asked, a little nervous, as I entered the room. I found Dan lying in another bed while a few nurses were changing all of his bed sheets. They'd done that once already this morning, so I was confused.

I glanced around the room until my eyes landed on Dan, who immediately drew his new duvet up to cover his face.

"Can I come in?" I asked. I wouldn't just walk in, in case they were doing something I shouldn't be a part of.

"Yeah, of course." A young nurse smiled.

I stepped into the room and started walking towards the duvet-covered Dan on the other bed. He was still hiding—only his hair was sticking out at the top. He didn't look like he had any intentions of revealing himself either.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a small smile. Nothing about this looked particularly serious, so I allowed myself to relax a little.

"Nothing…" Dan giggled quietly from under the mound.

I carefully lifted my hand up to grab the corner of his cover and drag it down, getting a glance of him.

"Don't look at me." Dan quickly threw his hands up to cover his face. His cheeks were flushed red when I finally got to look at him properly.

"Why?" I laughed, feeling a nice warm wave hit me. Finally being able to laugh a little was something I'd needed more than I'd thought. Just smiling felt amazing and calming.

"Iwetthebed," he hurriedly breathed out, still hiding behind his hands.

"You what?" I said, not sure if I'd heard correctly.

Dan let out a long breath, moved his hands down, and looked me in the eye, smiling shyly. "Hello, I'm Dan, your eighteen year old boyfriend, and I just wet the fucking bed," he managed to squeak out before he started giggling lightly. "Happy?"

"Seriously?" I asked while trying to hold back a laugh. I didn't want to make him even more embarrassed than he obviously already was.

"It was an accident, okay? It happens.. I was sleeping and then, you know.. I slept… Oh God, this is so embarrassing," he mumbled while shaking his head slightly, still smiling.

"Yeah, yeah…" I smiled as I dragged a chair over to his bedside to sit down. "Does this mean that I'll have to wear a swimsuit in bed from now on?" I teased, trying not to laugh. But the only thing I was actually thinking about was how he announced himself as my boyfriend.

"Oh shut up, you idiot." Dan smiled widely. He lifted his hand up to rest across his forehead while he was breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry.."

"No you're not.." Dan muttered while turning his attention to me.

We were stayed completely still, just looking at each other exchanging small grins every now and then.

Dan was staring at me the way he always did, the way he'd been looking at me almost since we'd first met. The way I'd always questioned. I hadn't known anything about him then, but as the years had passed by, I got to learn what he meant by looking at me like that. His deep, dark, brown eyes wide open, blinking slowly, and not moving off of me for even a second.

"I love you so much, Dan. I've always loved you and I always will," I whispered under my breath. But I knew Dan had caught it by the way his cheeks changed colour and by the way he smiled.

I couldn't agree with his parents on this one. Dan had to stay with me. I'd already signed up for everything when he first moved in with me over five months ago, heart attacks included. He was my boyfriend, and I was the one who would look after him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Story will be having a short break so I'll have time to work on my fic for the Phandom Big Bang (a tumblr thing for people who doesn't know). and a few oneshots. I am really sorry, but it's only a short break, you'll survive! (^_^)

The ending has a deeper meaning. Wait for the fic QA in like a few months hahahah or ask


	13. AN

hello! you're probably wondering what happened to this story..  
>but i'll just say that i haven't forgot it! jesus christ. the best is still yet to come and i'm so excited to show you.<br>i've just been very busy working on another story for a collap project on tumblr.  
>it's a ww2 au on 25k (almost i think)<p>

summary here:  
>It's World War 2. Phil, a young German soldier, is stationed in Denmark. There he meets Dan - a rebellious Danish school boy who is intent on making his job hell. But before long, they realise they have more in common than they'd have thought. How do you hide a friendship when you come from two different sides of a war?<p>

the story is called Renegade and will be uploaded in the beginning of october! and i really really love this fic and i spent so much time on it so i hope you'll like it too ^^  
>right after that i'll start writing chapters for this again!<p>

so don't worry! i've not forgot it


	14. Chapter 13

**I'll heal the hole in your heart **chapter 13

**Summary about chapter 13:** (They're 18 years old) Dan gets home from the hospital after his heart attack.

**A/N: **Well it has been ages hello. Are people still following this? I really do hope so bc I've gone through a lot to get this posted.

**Words: **2.803

* * *

><p><strong>Dan »<strong>

It felt strange now.

Whilst I'd spent the last five weeks being shuffled between cold white hospital beds, lying in my own bed again was what I'd most been looking forward to. But now that it was finally happening, it felt more like a nightmare. My room was eerily quiet; there were no doctors or nurses rushing in and out, and aside from the oxygen flowing into me through the cannula in my nose, no tubes or wires attached to me. Nothing was monitoring me anymore. And I was terrified.

It wasn't like I had pictured at all. Being home from the hospital was throwing me into a state of near panic, when it used to be the exact opposite. The very air around me seemed thinner somehow.

It's funny what a heart attack can do to you. It was like suddenly being smashed in the face with reality. Before, I was only aware of my own heart when I overworked it, but now I counted every single beat. And when I was alone with my thoughts, I'd worry that the number of beats wouldn't match all the things I wanted to do yet with my life. The more I thought about my situation, the more nervous I became.

I looked to my left, only to find Phil fast asleep beside me. He looked so comfortable and peaceful that just the thought of waking him up caused a knot to tighten in my stomach. He needed the sleep more than I did after all the time he'd spent awake with me in the hospital, keeping me company with lazy conversation and cuddling me into his side for hours and hours. We never talked about anything much really, but still the time had passed, and he'd made me feel comfortable in a place I hated.

But the more I looked at him in the dark, the more I felt the panic rush through my body until my breathing had sped up enough that I started shaking.

"You okay?" a tired-sounding voice asked from beside me.

But instead of words, I only managed to give him a few whimpers in return. Before I registered what was happening, Phil had jumped up, turned on the light, and pulled off my covers.

He immediately began asking the same questions: "Where does it hurt? Should I get you some painkillers? Do I need to call an ambulance?"

But I shook my head slowly from side to side against the pillow. "I'm just s-scared."

"So… nothing hurts?" Phil sounded both confused and slightly nervous, as if I were lying. He was kneeling on the bed next to me, his eyes scanning me over carefully.

"No," I breathed out between small sobs. "I just c-can't b-breathe." There didn't seem to be enough air for me in the room. At least it felt like that.

Without saying anything, Phil gently lifted me up to a sitting position, making it possible for him to slide in and sit behind me. My back pressed up against his stomach and my head rested on his chest as he held me close. I'd missed this. It was something we couldn't really do while I was still in hospital—at least not anymore. When we were younger, Phil would sit with me in the small, white beds. It had always made me feel safer, and it still did, but right now my breathing was still too quick for me to talk and I was too scared to stop shaking.

"Just relax. Nothing is going to happen to you." Phil already knew what I was thinking. I didn't have to explain my thoughts to him anymore; he would say them for me when I couldn't. "You need to slow down, Dan."

I only nodded in response. Panicking would just make my breathing worse. But I couldn't help it. The nightmares kept coming back.

Slowly, Phil turned my head to the side so he could see me. His eyebrows were drawn together in concern as he looked me over carefully. He made sure the plastic cannula was positioned correctly in my nose so I could get as much oxygen as possible.

"Just take it easy."

My eyes began to water up at his gentle touch. I didn't mean to cry, it was just too overwhelming and I had too many thoughts swirling through my mind to hold back any longer.

"You're okay. Nothing is going to happen to you," he assured me in a calm voice. His gaze locked with mine, even though it was difficult to focus on him.

"I c-can't breathe," I managed to say through strenuous breaths. "I c-can't…" My body was tense with panic and fear.

"You can." He kept his voice low, but I could hear he was nervous.

I just shook my head. There wasn't enough air, and I began to feel dizzy and light-headed.

Though my eyes were shut tightly, I could feel him staring at me. "You sure it doesn't hurt?" he asked again. "Should I call the hospital? You have to tell me, Dan." His voice was a little higher this time, to make sure I understood. But still, nothing was hurting—I was just so scared.

"No-Nothing hurts," I promised. He pressed two fingers to the side of my neck and let out a deep breath of concern. "It's just…" I tried, but barely any sound came out.

Instead of responding, Phil just started moving around behind me. Before I got the chance to ask him what he was doing, he removed the tubes from my nose and swapped it with the oxygen mask instead.

"I'm just making it a little easier for you—relax," he informed me as he adjusted the string on the back of my head to keep the mask in place. I felt like crying. Not that I wanted to—I'd cried enough already—but because I was too scared. It was that powerless kind of fear, where the only thing that feels right is crying.

Gently, Phil drew his fingers across my cheek, just as he'd done so many times before. It still made me feel loved. That feeling never lessened, no matter how many difficulties we faced together.

We sat in silence for some time—Phil with his arms holding tightly around me, while I was sat between his legs. His body felt warm against mine, and my breathing calmed down again, mostly because I didn't have the strength to keep going. This was the thing I'd missed the most. Phil had always been gentle around me, but he didn't treat me as though I was made of glass like the doctors did.

"You don't have to be scared…" he mumbled into my hair.

"But I am."

"I'll always be here to look out for you. There's no reason to be afraid—I promise."

"It wasn't your fault, Phil." It was hard getting the words out like how I wanted them. Not that they had changed much from all the other times I'd said it to him since I ended up in hospital. There was just this tone in his voice told me he needed to hear it again. And when he didn't give me a response, I repeated, "It w-wasn't."

From behind me, I could feel him let out a sigh. "I know," he whispered.

That was the answer he gave me every time, and every time he sounded the same. Like he didn't truly believe what he was saying, no matter how much I tried to convince him otherwise. It made me both angry and sad at the same time. He shouldn't be feeling like that.

We'd stopped talking, but eventually the silence was broken by Phil's quiet giggle.

"Wh-What's funny?" I asked curiously.

"I was just thinking…" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"About what?"

"Do you remember that time I was with you and your family on holiday when we were twelve, and I fell from that swing and broke my arm?" he asked in a low voice. "I just remembered that."

I choked out a small laugh as the memories came back. "Yeah. To this day, I d-don't think I've ever heard anyone scream that loud."

"Hey! It hurt."

"Sounded l-like it." A wave of exhaustion washed over me and I could barely keep my eyes open. And with the oxygen mask covering my face, it must have been difficult for Phil to understand my words by now.

"And do you remember how I cried when they needed to poke me with needles?" Phil giggled quietly.

"Hmm…" I remembered. Phil had never liked needles. Not that I did either, but after all these years I had gotten used to the hospital routine.

For as long as I could remember, he'd always told me stories like this whenever I was upset or scared. He'd talk about things we had experienced together, or about his work, or sometimes he'd make up his own stories. It was his way of getting my mind, and his too, off of serious things for a moment.

At times, the conversation would veer off, and we'd talk about life. It'd get to the point where I'd yell at him for not understanding. But he would always just agree with me—he couldn't really understand—and I was fine with that.

That was one of the reasons I loved him so much; he never really tried. Not like my parents or the doctors, who insisted on analysing everything I did. When Phil looked at me, he just saw me.

"Remember how you had to hold my hand and promise me it would be okay?" he continued, nudging me a bit to make sure I was listening.

"I remember I had a hard time n-not laughing," I mumbled through the mask. "It was just anaesthesia."

"You must've done a good job because I can't remember you laughing at me."

Phil's words were like a lullaby. My breathing had finally calmed down, but I was left so exhausted that just the thought of moving felt like running a marathon. I was still nervous, even though Phil held me tight in his arms. I was always scared, but in moments like these, it wasn't so bad.

"You can sleep if you want," he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

><p><strong>Phil »<strong>

"Phil..? Phil? Phil, wake up!"

"Huh? What's happening?! Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"Uhm, no?" But instead of it being Dan's voice answering me as I thought it would be, it was Chris's. Confused, I glanced around and found myself sitting at the table in the back office of the coffee shop.

"Sorry…" I murmured, and quickly tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes. But every second I kept them closed, I felt myself drifting off again.

"That's okay." Chris moved towards me to get a closer look. "Better question—are you okay?" His voice changed slightly, making him sound more concerned than I liked.

"Yeah…" I mumbled, trying to avoid eye contact. But it didn't sound very convincing, not even to myself. My voice was hoarse, my head was pounding, and I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, yet alone think about standing up and getting back to work.

It had been a few weeks since Dan had come home from the hospital now, but it certainly hadn't gotten easier. The nights when he couldn't sleep and I stayed up with him were long, and even when he finally did drift off, I couldn't.

Christmas was coming soon—too soon, if you asked me. I hadn't had time to think about it. It just didn't feel right this year. But then again, we needed something to look forward to. In the midst of hospitals, and medications, and the constant monitoring of Dan's health, we needed something happy. Some peace.

"You know, I could stay with him for a few days and you could go visit your parents. Just so you could get some time off," Chris offered.

The same feelings I'd had when Dan's parents had wanted to take him home now came over me again. They were feelings of loss, and failure… and not being good enough.

"You don't need to prove anything, y'know," Chris continued. "You already saved his life once."

"I'm not trying to prove anything," I spat back. But honestly, I'd asked myself that question more times than I could count. Was I putting myself through unnecessary pain? Was I just trying to prove to everyone that I could do this—that I could take care of him? But I always ended up with the same answer.

"He's my responsibility, Chris." I looked out the office door into the shop and spotted Dan there, sitting at the nearest table with his headphones on. His wheelchair, with the oxygen tank hanging on the back, stood beside him, and he was watching something on his laptop. Something funny, I guessed, because I could see his lips were curled up and his dimple was showing slightly. I felt myself smile by the sight. He was safe.

Now we were both staring at him from inside the office. "But he's not _only_ your responsibility, Phil. I want you to remember that," Chris said as me moved his gaze from Dan to me instead.

I knew he was talking about Dan's parents, or even himself, as he'd offered to help a few times before. And sometimes, when I'd lie awake at night, I would consider it. But when I looked at Dan—sitting in his usual spot in the coffee shop, as he'd done every day since he came home from the hospital—it felt different. I didn't see him as sick. Not like how other people saw him, anyway. He was my responsibility, yes, and sometimes it was hard and the days were long and unpredictable. But then there were days like today, where I saw him smile and I heard him laugh, like nothing was ever wrong, and I'd forget everything and smile with him.

Chris gave my shoulder a quick pat before heading back to help his dad serve some costumers. I followed, but only made two cups of hot chocolate, grabbed two sandwiches, and continued on towards Dan, who was still occupied by whatever he was watching on the laptop. Once I was standing beside him, he carefully removed the headphones, making sure the cannula didn't follow.

"Something funny?" I smiled as I handed him the food and drink.

"Maybe," Dan answered me, his voice a little hoarse. I blamed the cold weather for that, even though he wrapped in multiple blankets and sweaters to keep him from getting ill.

Not taking my gaze off of him, I sat down at the other side at the table, taking small sips of hot chocolate.

"Aren't you working?" Dan closed his laptop screen and focused on me.

"Break," I replied, and took another sip of the hot substance in my cup. "So I thought we could eat together."

Dan nodded slowly, and started to pick at his sandwich.

"You okay?" I asked softly. I tried my best not to stare at him while I asked, since I knew he didn't like that.

"I'm fine. A little tired, but fine," Dan mumbled. I let my gaze rest on his face. A short moment of guilt then followed as my eyes travelled across his pale skin, past the cannula, and to his eyes. It was quickly forgotten as he gave me a lazy, but genuine smile. "And my feet are cold."

"And you're expecting me to do something about that, aren't you?"

"Yep," Dan breathed out, placing both of his feet in my lap underneath the table. He was wearing the fluffiest socks I could find, but still he got cold easily due to his poor circulation.

"Unbelievable," I complained jokingly, and started rubbing his feet between my hands.

"If you tickle me this time, I will kick you. You have been warned," Dan smirked, pointing at me with his sandwich.

"Got it." I nodded and grinned remembering how he'd almost thrown his drink at me the other day. I could see Dan remembering it too, as his eyes kept landing on the water bottle next to him while he smiled widely.

I let out a small sigh of relief. Dan was in a good mood today. And it felt wrong to say it like that because most days he was in a good mood, but this was one of the rare moments where it felt real.

Today it felt like there was a future—days to wake up to and new memories to make.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Chapter 14 will be wrote on asap!


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